"Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."
from my google app
good point good point.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Things I love but I take fore granted
1) Cinnamon
2) Coupons
3) Coin wrappers
4) singing
5) budgeting
6) doing something new everyday
7) Saying "YOU CAN DO IT!" in multiple accents
8) Vince Vaughn- enough said. ;)
9) my ability to make cool things out of crafts for people
10) Knowing when enough is enough.
11) When friends fold paper bags for me.
2) Coupons
3) Coin wrappers
4) singing
5) budgeting
6) doing something new everyday
7) Saying "YOU CAN DO IT!" in multiple accents
8) Vince Vaughn- enough said. ;)
9) my ability to make cool things out of crafts for people
10) Knowing when enough is enough.
11) When friends fold paper bags for me.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
As I was talking to myself about my burdens.
Carry You
Amy Grant
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
If I can walk on water
And calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm weary watchin'
While you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
I give vision to the blind
And I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of Hell
And I returned
And I see those sleepless nights
And I count every tear you cry
I know some lessons hurt to learn
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry carry, my child, my child
I will carry you, my child, my child
I will carry you
Amy Grant
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
If I can walk on water
And calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm weary watchin'
While you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
I give vision to the blind
And I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of Hell
And I returned
And I see those sleepless nights
And I count every tear you cry
I know some lessons hurt to learn
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry carry, my child, my child
I will carry you, my child, my child
I will carry you
Monday, December 14, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
"You Are"
On the dark windy road, I left the Mendocino county line. Eyes drained of energy and singing to my tunes of hope. I sang to Wicked's "defying gravity" Have I seen Wicked? No. But the song- heard- love it. And in my state of emotional exhaustion yet relief to be leaving the darkness behind- I sang at the top of my lungs- hoping that some relief- some spiritual core in me would stir and my eyes would be clear. My eyes- didn't clear- after about the third round of Defying gravity and the lyrics "and you won't bring me down"- I realized: What I am wanting is the humaness of another to say: Heather "you are".
In biblical text: "I am" is prevolent. I won't kid you I have no I idea where in bible this is, but through out my life I had heard "i am" in the connection of recognizing God. The spirit. And I realized in my eye redened state and over dose of emotions. That "I am" is about recognition. And in everyone's life- they each deserve the right to say "I am". And for community to work- family to work- there needs to be a balance of "I am" with "you are". I hope to recognized this balance in each of my relationships whether family, friend, work, romantic, etc.
Defying gravity of recognition- defying recognition of difference and the ability and confidence to say: "You are".
When getting home from my stuff I had to do... I settled in with a cup of tea to find a quote on the end with "you are" in it. Funny how life works that way. Thanks Twinlings, or whatever tea company for being intune- and hitting it right on the nail.
You are.
Recognition.
In biblical text: "I am" is prevolent. I won't kid you I have no I idea where in bible this is, but through out my life I had heard "i am" in the connection of recognizing God. The spirit. And I realized in my eye redened state and over dose of emotions. That "I am" is about recognition. And in everyone's life- they each deserve the right to say "I am". And for community to work- family to work- there needs to be a balance of "I am" with "you are". I hope to recognized this balance in each of my relationships whether family, friend, work, romantic, etc.
Defying gravity of recognition- defying recognition of difference and the ability and confidence to say: "You are".
When getting home from my stuff I had to do... I settled in with a cup of tea to find a quote on the end with "you are" in it. Funny how life works that way. Thanks Twinlings, or whatever tea company for being intune- and hitting it right on the nail.
You are.
Recognition.
Like Tumbleweeds they keep going
In recent news, Glide Church was featured in an article and there was much debate of intentionality of the Glide way. And being present there just over the past few months I see how far Glide has help me push through barriers that I held for myself to hide behind. Glide pushed me to build the confidence that I was just too scared to show and that I already possessed. It is a space for questions, when we need it the most: in times when we think that we are alright- there is a strive to keep diving inward. Glide brings out the "you are" that one always had but was not in an accepting or comfortable environment to all for expression. For examply, everytime I stunt myself at Glide- because I am too scared to get to "work" (emotional or physical) it gets pushed back on me with the "try again" button. And it is my confidence that is built and hope that I can strive for something better- this is what Glide gives me and many I feel. I was disappointed that the article refered to Cecil Williams as a "poverty pimp". I feel that this is a misjudge of character- and I am sure that the congregation was more upset by this misinterpretation of CW than himself.
But I think there is an important silver lining in this story. There is still work to be done. And that article and the comments that followed are the work that needs to be done towards social justice. A few posts ago- I wrote about an experience on a sunday when a man suggested he was horny over my bald head. I wrote about the violation that took place, and I realized that that was an example of the work yet to be done. And without that blatent example of sexual violation and inappropriate behavior where would we b- complaining about invisible issues- and that would be no good. So if their is going to be violations and injustices against women, lessening poverty, whatever the example is... Let's get it on the table- out in the day light. Bring everyone to the welcome table as Glide speaks of. What I admire the most about Glide is their Speakout programs on Wednesday nights... It is a chance to tell the truth. And in all honesty- a lot of the time the truth- is people saying Cecil and Janice- I don't like this- and here is my honesty. And they are heard. So if all of the comments from sfgate.com would like to come to Glide on a wednesday night- they would be appreciated and loved. Because the truth will set you free.
Yes, I am a Glidian Advocate. And I support the work of no hiding, I support the process of recovery in people and especially in my self. We all have a story to tell and it can be honored and heard all at one community table. And we can change.
But I think there is an important silver lining in this story. There is still work to be done. And that article and the comments that followed are the work that needs to be done towards social justice. A few posts ago- I wrote about an experience on a sunday when a man suggested he was horny over my bald head. I wrote about the violation that took place, and I realized that that was an example of the work yet to be done. And without that blatent example of sexual violation and inappropriate behavior where would we b- complaining about invisible issues- and that would be no good. So if their is going to be violations and injustices against women, lessening poverty, whatever the example is... Let's get it on the table- out in the day light. Bring everyone to the welcome table as Glide speaks of. What I admire the most about Glide is their Speakout programs on Wednesday nights... It is a chance to tell the truth. And in all honesty- a lot of the time the truth- is people saying Cecil and Janice- I don't like this- and here is my honesty. And they are heard. So if all of the comments from sfgate.com would like to come to Glide on a wednesday night- they would be appreciated and loved. Because the truth will set you free.
Yes, I am a Glidian Advocate. And I support the work of no hiding, I support the process of recovery in people and especially in my self. We all have a story to tell and it can be honored and heard all at one community table. And we can change.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Older email to friends- but present of the work needing to be done, and the memory of a boy.
Dear wonderful friends and family,
It's unusual for me to pass along a mass email, unless it is a
frantically hyper update from my life, but this I found too close to
home to not discuss. Below is an email I received from the Alopecia
Areata support group network about a recent shooting of a teenager
with Alopecia Areata. Speculation has it that there was teasing about
his hairloss and he was standing up for himself before he was killed.
How do I even begin to describe what I feel about this young man's lost life?
A) I first resort to fear and deep sadness that this was a boy
verbally and finally attacked for a disease that is uncontrollable.
The disease I have. Does this mean I need to hide from the world, no.
But a chill went down my back when I, for the first time, in almost 8
years with Alopecia Areata, have heard the words "Alopecia Areata" and
"death" in the same sentence.
I spoke in my social psychology class of Death and Dying about the
connection of Alopecia Areata and loss, in the terms of the process of
grief, which I feel that I have experienced strongly, but now to
encounter a mirror in which my own mortality may be threatened because
of my difference, ohhh HELLLLLL NOOOO.... as in the great words by my
campers and catch phrases often used by my HFH family in NY this is
certainly a "beastin" situation and 100% "mad whack".
B) I felt dissappointed, because there is a larger point needing to be
addressed. This has been happening throughout time with ethnic
communities, religions, sexual identities, dissabilities, and classes.
The list continues, we as people are faced with struggle and the
noting of difference in some way. There has been violence against our
differences for too long. For example in recent events to list only a
few: the struggle to ban same sex marriages, racial stereotyping in
media, and hate groups that exist today. I am scared that I have been
blinded until it hit home for me. Are we only awakened to hate crimes
and violence, when it jeopordizes ourselves? I don't want to be like
that, I want to be an advocate for change, and most importantly hope
that there is something better out there for me than a stake in the
physicality of hair to prove my worth as a woman.
Lets broaden the spectrum and change the "me" mantra into a "we"
progression towards compassion and equality for our nation, and for
the planet filled with roaming differences.
C) I am frustrated and feel deflated by this, I am keeping face about
it because somewhere in the core of my belly I know I need to keep
walking: to keep wishing for a better day in which, not just the
Alopecia Areata community can identify there difference and go on
confidently living because of their uniqueness, but other groups as
well struggling with issues of personal/ public idenitity.
It's unusual for me to pass along a mass email, unless it is a
frantically hyper update from my life, but this I found too close to
home to not discuss. Below is an email I received from the Alopecia
Areata support group network about a recent shooting of a teenager
with Alopecia Areata. Speculation has it that there was teasing about
his hairloss and he was standing up for himself before he was killed.
How do I even begin to describe what I feel about this young man's lost life?
A) I first resort to fear and deep sadness that this was a boy
verbally and finally attacked for a disease that is uncontrollable.
The disease I have. Does this mean I need to hide from the world, no.
But a chill went down my back when I, for the first time, in almost 8
years with Alopecia Areata, have heard the words "Alopecia Areata" and
"death" in the same sentence.
I spoke in my social psychology class of Death and Dying about the
connection of Alopecia Areata and loss, in the terms of the process of
grief, which I feel that I have experienced strongly, but now to
encounter a mirror in which my own mortality may be threatened because
of my difference, ohhh HELLLLLL NOOOO.... as in the great words by my
campers and catch phrases often used by my HFH family in NY this is
certainly a "beastin" situation and 100% "mad whack".
B) I felt dissappointed, because there is a larger point needing to be
addressed. This has been happening throughout time with ethnic
communities, religions, sexual identities, dissabilities, and classes.
The list continues, we as people are faced with struggle and the
noting of difference in some way. There has been violence against our
differences for too long. For example in recent events to list only a
few: the struggle to ban same sex marriages, racial stereotyping in
media, and hate groups that exist today. I am scared that I have been
blinded until it hit home for me. Are we only awakened to hate crimes
and violence, when it jeopordizes ourselves? I don't want to be like
that, I want to be an advocate for change, and most importantly hope
that there is something better out there for me than a stake in the
physicality of hair to prove my worth as a woman.
Lets broaden the spectrum and change the "me" mantra into a "we"
progression towards compassion and equality for our nation, and for
the planet filled with roaming differences.
C) I am frustrated and feel deflated by this, I am keeping face about
it because somewhere in the core of my belly I know I need to keep
walking: to keep wishing for a better day in which, not just the
Alopecia Areata community can identify there difference and go on
confidently living because of their uniqueness, but other groups as
well struggling with issues of personal/ public idenitity.
Old News- But is present in contemporary climate- Needing Change
Tragic news came out of Knoxville, Tennessee, on Thursday, August 20,
2008, when 15-year-old Ryan McDonald was fatally shot by a fellow
student. Ryan had alopecia areata since age 3 and the motive for the
incident appeared to be strongly related to bullying and teasing over
the fact that Ryan was hairless and stood out as different.
The high school had been trying to crack down on fights and unruly
behavior amidst an atmosphere that was "a culture that lacked
discipline." Ryan was raised under tough circumstances and he was
described by those close to him as a "kindhearted kid", "always
happy", but with a tough exterior that compelled him to stand his
ground and handle himself verbally when teased or bullied - it was
pointed out that Ryan had been endlessly teased. He was
confrontational and had a chip on his shoulder – probably, not unlike
many of his fellow students and friends. However, violence of this
sort is never expected and this incident has sent shock waves through
his local community as well as the community of those of us who deal
with alopecia areata.
A remark by a classmate summed up much of the emotion, "I didn't know
him but I feel like I lost my best friend." Her world was violated.
Her sense of what is fair and just was turned around by a single
event. Her own security was threatened and the loss could have just
as easily involved her or a close friend. It points out how fragile
life is and how fragile our way-of-life can be - and, how deep this
hits home for many of us. For me, it brings back isolated feelings of
my adolescence and being singled out as different. It was a time of
not having an understanding of myself with alopecia areata and not
having the tools to deal with it. It also brings to mind all the many
children I have known with alopecia areata and how important it is to
me that they have every opportunity to achieve full potential.
What could have been done differently? There are no set formulas. We
deal with life circumstances in a variety of ways and all of them are
valid and all of them should lead to responsible emotions and actions.
All of us have tested the boundaries of teasing and bullying. Most
of us learned quickly that some light-hearted teasing is normal and
part of life. More importantly, we learned that being a bully crosses
the line and is not acceptable behavior. Awareness of the problem is
essential along with timely and thoughtful intervention.
How do we monitor? Be open with your child and give them the space to
respond and talk things over with you. Be observant of their
behavior, especially while interacting with friends. Be aware of
signs that might indicate bullying or other problems. A child may
become withdrawn or depressed. Social activities may be avoided if a
child feels threatened. School work and the ability to concentrate
often take a turn for the worse as a child becomes preoccupied with
insecurities. We need to not only be aware of the victims of bullying
but to be extra aware of someone who might be a bully. Besides those
things listed above, a bully is often defiant, has a difficult time
forming positive relationships, and manifests abusive tendencies.
What can we do? Again, there is no formula. First, be certain to set
a good example as a role model. Next, it takes both a watchful eye
and the capability to stand back and allow our kids to mature through
their own life experiences and develop self-esteem and maturity.
Where do we draw the line? As mentioned, everyone teases now and then
and good-natured teasing usually involves humor and a comfort level
with the person being teased. It ceases to be funny if the teasing is
persistent or is presented with a threatening or demeaning attitude.
A bully's weapons are verbal, psychological, and physical. Be aware
that boys usually bully in a different way than girls. Boys tend to
be confrontational in verbal and physical ways directly with the
victim. Girls tend to talk indirectly "bad mouth" and exclude the
victim from the group. Bullying tends to exhibit power and control.
Note that the perpetrator may also be under the stress of being
bullied by other kids or adults.
How do we protect our kids? We need to handle situations with
age-appropriate communication in order to guide both bully and victim
to a better understanding of themselves and others. Children need to
be aware that they have capabilities to deal with teasing and bullying
but that it is okay to seek the help of friends, parents, and other
trusted authority figures. We also must realize that children may not
know how to ask for help. Even when a child is going through a
critical situation and an adult tries to intervene, the child may find
it very uncomfortable to be open and choose to deny an experience or
concern. Overall, a child is better off to widen their circle of
support through caring friends and adults. The overwhelming goals for
both bully and victim is to come to a better understanding of
relationships, to learn skills of conflict resolution, and to improve
on techniques to problem-solve their own issues and relationships.
Many schools have resources within the district to effectively
confront and resolve these issues by encouraging a climate of respect
for self, for others, and for diversity. If you recognize a problem
and you are not receiving satisfactory results, be sure to broaden
your scope for seeking help from parents, teachers, and other
resources. The National Alopecia Areata Foundation is an excellent
resource for information specific to helping parents work with schools
in order to educate and provide students with straightforward
information about alopecia areata. Timely action often diffuses
problems before they get out of hand. Much more general information
is readily available and easy to find on the internet with regards to
teasing and bullying.
http://www.naaf.org/index.html National Alopecia Areata
Foundation – NAAF
2008, when 15-year-old Ryan McDonald was fatally shot by a fellow
student. Ryan had alopecia areata since age 3 and the motive for the
incident appeared to be strongly related to bullying and teasing over
the fact that Ryan was hairless and stood out as different.
The high school had been trying to crack down on fights and unruly
behavior amidst an atmosphere that was "a culture that lacked
discipline." Ryan was raised under tough circumstances and he was
described by those close to him as a "kindhearted kid", "always
happy", but with a tough exterior that compelled him to stand his
ground and handle himself verbally when teased or bullied - it was
pointed out that Ryan had been endlessly teased. He was
confrontational and had a chip on his shoulder – probably, not unlike
many of his fellow students and friends. However, violence of this
sort is never expected and this incident has sent shock waves through
his local community as well as the community of those of us who deal
with alopecia areata.
A remark by a classmate summed up much of the emotion, "I didn't know
him but I feel like I lost my best friend." Her world was violated.
Her sense of what is fair and just was turned around by a single
event. Her own security was threatened and the loss could have just
as easily involved her or a close friend. It points out how fragile
life is and how fragile our way-of-life can be - and, how deep this
hits home for many of us. For me, it brings back isolated feelings of
my adolescence and being singled out as different. It was a time of
not having an understanding of myself with alopecia areata and not
having the tools to deal with it. It also brings to mind all the many
children I have known with alopecia areata and how important it is to
me that they have every opportunity to achieve full potential.
What could have been done differently? There are no set formulas. We
deal with life circumstances in a variety of ways and all of them are
valid and all of them should lead to responsible emotions and actions.
All of us have tested the boundaries of teasing and bullying. Most
of us learned quickly that some light-hearted teasing is normal and
part of life. More importantly, we learned that being a bully crosses
the line and is not acceptable behavior. Awareness of the problem is
essential along with timely and thoughtful intervention.
How do we monitor? Be open with your child and give them the space to
respond and talk things over with you. Be observant of their
behavior, especially while interacting with friends. Be aware of
signs that might indicate bullying or other problems. A child may
become withdrawn or depressed. Social activities may be avoided if a
child feels threatened. School work and the ability to concentrate
often take a turn for the worse as a child becomes preoccupied with
insecurities. We need to not only be aware of the victims of bullying
but to be extra aware of someone who might be a bully. Besides those
things listed above, a bully is often defiant, has a difficult time
forming positive relationships, and manifests abusive tendencies.
What can we do? Again, there is no formula. First, be certain to set
a good example as a role model. Next, it takes both a watchful eye
and the capability to stand back and allow our kids to mature through
their own life experiences and develop self-esteem and maturity.
Where do we draw the line? As mentioned, everyone teases now and then
and good-natured teasing usually involves humor and a comfort level
with the person being teased. It ceases to be funny if the teasing is
persistent or is presented with a threatening or demeaning attitude.
A bully's weapons are verbal, psychological, and physical. Be aware
that boys usually bully in a different way than girls. Boys tend to
be confrontational in verbal and physical ways directly with the
victim. Girls tend to talk indirectly "bad mouth" and exclude the
victim from the group. Bullying tends to exhibit power and control.
Note that the perpetrator may also be under the stress of being
bullied by other kids or adults.
How do we protect our kids? We need to handle situations with
age-appropriate communication in order to guide both bully and victim
to a better understanding of themselves and others. Children need to
be aware that they have capabilities to deal with teasing and bullying
but that it is okay to seek the help of friends, parents, and other
trusted authority figures. We also must realize that children may not
know how to ask for help. Even when a child is going through a
critical situation and an adult tries to intervene, the child may find
it very uncomfortable to be open and choose to deny an experience or
concern. Overall, a child is better off to widen their circle of
support through caring friends and adults. The overwhelming goals for
both bully and victim is to come to a better understanding of
relationships, to learn skills of conflict resolution, and to improve
on techniques to problem-solve their own issues and relationships.
Many schools have resources within the district to effectively
confront and resolve these issues by encouraging a climate of respect
for self, for others, and for diversity. If you recognize a problem
and you are not receiving satisfactory results, be sure to broaden
your scope for seeking help from parents, teachers, and other
resources. The National Alopecia Areata Foundation is an excellent
resource for information specific to helping parents work with schools
in order to educate and provide students with straightforward
information about alopecia areata. Timely action often diffuses
problems before they get out of hand. Much more general information
is readily available and easy to find on the internet with regards to
teasing and bullying.
http://www.naaf.org/index.html National Alopecia Areata
Foundation – NAAF
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Overcoming our fears
Last week, I was at open mic for my work and yet again I left feeling rejuvenated. When I went to the open mic I asked a woman if anyone was sittng next to her, she said go ahead, then I sat down and the woman sitting on the other side of the empty seat said "no no I don't want to sit next to you!"
Alright- yes she could have wanted an empty seat next to her, and the excuses can go on, for why she didn't want to sit next to me. But in all honesty- let's cut through the B.S.- She didn't want to sit next to me because I am a bald woman, an abnormal site.
Yes it is hard to say- she wasn't comfortable with me because of my hair loss. But let's be honesty- let's not put on a pretty face to a reality. That was how it was.
This has happened before, similar situations, before I was devastated- I wanted to be in bed for a week, I felt terrified of the public and what people thought of me. I felt like a monster that should be caged- a freak show that make people just too uncomfortable.
But this time it was different. For once- the depression didn't set in, the anxiety and fear of my monster identity, never came. And I was okay. I asked her if she would like me to move- she said no that's okay I will. She got up and moved. And a clear understanding of "she feels uncomfortable, she is the one who misunderstands, she can take care of her self" I realized it is her insecurity and uncomfortableness that she needs to deal with. I am here, I am not going to change, and I have to say "I am okay with who I am- in fact I have love for myself, my integrity, and my identity- socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
And all of the sudden, it was such a real moment- the honesty was at an all time high- and I was okay. I survived and I didn't need to hide from the world, and put away who I was in order to accompany people's misunderstandings. I didn't need to cry about it- and it felt so good. It was real.
Alright- yes she could have wanted an empty seat next to her, and the excuses can go on, for why she didn't want to sit next to me. But in all honesty- let's cut through the B.S.- She didn't want to sit next to me because I am a bald woman, an abnormal site.
Yes it is hard to say- she wasn't comfortable with me because of my hair loss. But let's be honesty- let's not put on a pretty face to a reality. That was how it was.
This has happened before, similar situations, before I was devastated- I wanted to be in bed for a week, I felt terrified of the public and what people thought of me. I felt like a monster that should be caged- a freak show that make people just too uncomfortable.
But this time it was different. For once- the depression didn't set in, the anxiety and fear of my monster identity, never came. And I was okay. I asked her if she would like me to move- she said no that's okay I will. She got up and moved. And a clear understanding of "she feels uncomfortable, she is the one who misunderstands, she can take care of her self" I realized it is her insecurity and uncomfortableness that she needs to deal with. I am here, I am not going to change, and I have to say "I am okay with who I am- in fact I have love for myself, my integrity, and my identity- socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
And all of the sudden, it was such a real moment- the honesty was at an all time high- and I was okay. I survived and I didn't need to hide from the world, and put away who I was in order to accompany people's misunderstandings. I didn't need to cry about it- and it felt so good. It was real.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Feeling it coming back.
As singing at the top of my lungs on the twisting turning road into the darkness. I felt a need to say- stay. Because my spirit was filled and I wanted it to stay. I told it not to leave. Stay. Stay spirit stay.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Motherhood and Protection
Motherhood
This past week and weekend I realized something- I want to be a mother. And when I say mother- sure biological clock ticking. Tick tick tick. Umm let's maybe give that sometime. But I am talking about Mother in a greater way. I was babysitting, and I realized it is so important I think for anyone to be able to be a mother to something, to nurture and to support a growth process.
I have been thinking this especially in my gardening I am starting to get into. I had some tomatoes growing and although they were smaller then an eyeball, I grew them, and it was so neat to have ownership in that one bite tomato salad I was able to produce from my labor.
I think it is good to grow something, even if it is a spiritual sense. I have been wanting to be a mother lately in this sense of to nurture and grow something, whether it is a program at my work, work on my spirit, or have tiny tomatoes, it feels satisfying to know that I did that. Just like a little kindergartener looking at her work in the hall way, feeling accomplished. I did that. I did that. I did that.
Protection
I have been feeling a little stunted, speaking of growing. Those who love me want to protect me, from words others say about my hairloss. But in the long run, I am one who has to cope with awkward, maybe offensive statements. I realize that I am at this point that others love me so much, they see me as that child you need to protect and not let fall. I realize that yes for some odd reason, these bald cards is the hand I have been dealt. So let me play my cards, let me have moves (words) against me come, because in some weird way, I want to build the protection, awareness, and my need for safety in times of danger to be activated. I need to know when too much is too much from words of offense. And I need to stand up for myself, and not let others do that for me. My friends and family love me, and never want to see me hurt, but I need to fall in order to learn how to get back up and keep moving. My bareness will be a protection, and knowledge is power. And I will seek safety from those who love me when it is the right time.
This past week and weekend I realized something- I want to be a mother. And when I say mother- sure biological clock ticking. Tick tick tick. Umm let's maybe give that sometime. But I am talking about Mother in a greater way. I was babysitting, and I realized it is so important I think for anyone to be able to be a mother to something, to nurture and to support a growth process.
I have been thinking this especially in my gardening I am starting to get into. I had some tomatoes growing and although they were smaller then an eyeball, I grew them, and it was so neat to have ownership in that one bite tomato salad I was able to produce from my labor.
I think it is good to grow something, even if it is a spiritual sense. I have been wanting to be a mother lately in this sense of to nurture and grow something, whether it is a program at my work, work on my spirit, or have tiny tomatoes, it feels satisfying to know that I did that. Just like a little kindergartener looking at her work in the hall way, feeling accomplished. I did that. I did that. I did that.
Protection
I have been feeling a little stunted, speaking of growing. Those who love me want to protect me, from words others say about my hairloss. But in the long run, I am one who has to cope with awkward, maybe offensive statements. I realize that I am at this point that others love me so much, they see me as that child you need to protect and not let fall. I realize that yes for some odd reason, these bald cards is the hand I have been dealt. So let me play my cards, let me have moves (words) against me come, because in some weird way, I want to build the protection, awareness, and my need for safety in times of danger to be activated. I need to know when too much is too much from words of offense. And I need to stand up for myself, and not let others do that for me. My friends and family love me, and never want to see me hurt, but I need to fall in order to learn how to get back up and keep moving. My bareness will be a protection, and knowledge is power. And I will seek safety from those who love me when it is the right time.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Grief and a Woman's Voice
Yesterday was a big day for me. I facilitated a group on grief and loss at work. And I admit I was nervous, that the words may not come to help lead, that no one or too many would show up and I would not know how to handle it. But in all honesty it was great. I feel it wasn't anything jumping for joy monumentum moment but it really allowed me to see what I can do to create great things for a community. As I was thumbing through a book on grief, the back had resources and showed that you could get a certificate in grief counseling. And I was like ahh ha what a great experience, but I want more tools. And I realized with everything in life, you have to start somewhere and you don't know what wildfires of social change one can create, by just saying I tried.
-----------
In the early morning I had an interesting experience. Yet another comment about Alopecia. As I was getting ready for service. I had a man sit next to me and he stated "what the hell happened to you?" obviously, commenting on my hairloss. But I've gotten worse, so did my speal. He said "wow I am inappropriate" and I said "yes, but have gotten worse." He said I was beautiful and then it got weird. He leaned over and said "it makes me kind of horny". My jaw dropped and at that moment I knew this man wasn't all there. I stopped in my tracks and turned back to my reading, feeling violated and curious of what to say. I should of said- that is inappropriate and said no. But instead I turned away. I wish I had, but also- I did what I needed to do to feel safe. It is a violation of women to say sexually explicit words to a stranger and I no longer want to just turn away. It is a violation to make a woman to be a sexual object, something to be looked at and ignored of her voice, identity, and power she owns. It was a violation and it was an add to rape culture that exists in this world.
But I am a person that likes to find the hope in a story and here is what I think. I thank that man that he was blunt and it was a visual, literal example of all the work that still needs to be done. Sometimes I think what is my work? why do I want to do social work? And is it just silly to be voicing and dedicating time to things that may not get that high salary, or stability of a 401k? But I realized that my heart is in people. And seeing that man made visual evidence that these problems still exist and I don't want to ever give up on myself, my dreams, my work because of safety nets.
There is famous quotes that say "I will not rest until...." I felt that today. That I believe in social Justice and I had a reminder and a security found is in the Spirit for me. It encourages me and it gives me confidence to protect me from words of violence, cycles of violence, and words I can not control.
I realized you really can not control the things others say, but you can use that as evidence and power to push an end to that violence caused. I wish i had told that man he was being inappropriate but what is done is done and I hope to use that as power to move on, push ahead, and help with causes of social justice.
we shall overcome.
-----------
In the early morning I had an interesting experience. Yet another comment about Alopecia. As I was getting ready for service. I had a man sit next to me and he stated "what the hell happened to you?" obviously, commenting on my hairloss. But I've gotten worse, so did my speal. He said "wow I am inappropriate" and I said "yes, but have gotten worse." He said I was beautiful and then it got weird. He leaned over and said "it makes me kind of horny". My jaw dropped and at that moment I knew this man wasn't all there. I stopped in my tracks and turned back to my reading, feeling violated and curious of what to say. I should of said- that is inappropriate and said no. But instead I turned away. I wish I had, but also- I did what I needed to do to feel safe. It is a violation of women to say sexually explicit words to a stranger and I no longer want to just turn away. It is a violation to make a woman to be a sexual object, something to be looked at and ignored of her voice, identity, and power she owns. It was a violation and it was an add to rape culture that exists in this world.
But I am a person that likes to find the hope in a story and here is what I think. I thank that man that he was blunt and it was a visual, literal example of all the work that still needs to be done. Sometimes I think what is my work? why do I want to do social work? And is it just silly to be voicing and dedicating time to things that may not get that high salary, or stability of a 401k? But I realized that my heart is in people. And seeing that man made visual evidence that these problems still exist and I don't want to ever give up on myself, my dreams, my work because of safety nets.
There is famous quotes that say "I will not rest until...." I felt that today. That I believe in social Justice and I had a reminder and a security found is in the Spirit for me. It encourages me and it gives me confidence to protect me from words of violence, cycles of violence, and words I can not control.
I realized you really can not control the things others say, but you can use that as evidence and power to push an end to that violence caused. I wish i had told that man he was being inappropriate but what is done is done and I hope to use that as power to move on, push ahead, and help with causes of social justice.
we shall overcome.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
GRE Words
So on my google homepage I have GRE words, and one of them was "shambles". For it to mean disorder and mess, it sure is a pretty word... and well makes me think of how... in our messes and in our falls, can be grace, and sure can be a pretty thing.
Monday, October 19, 2009
It's amazing how we all got something. I keep trying to rule out things, stating that we are looking for perfection. But maybe it is the messiness, in fact the healthy messiness, the honesty of human condition that I am looking for. And in all that messiness, I realize I am just looking in a mirror, learning most importantly how to love myself.
"Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says, 'I value you enough to give you my most precious asset - my time'". Unknown
This is interesting and could be a broader thing than romantic love. This could be so much more, this could be about commitment all together... will think about this.
This is interesting and could be a broader thing than romantic love. This could be so much more, this could be about commitment all together... will think about this.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Childhood Development
Giving yourself the right to articulate your pain.
I don't know if I have allowed myself that. Or the time to speak and not be worried.
I found myself speaking today.
I have spoke before
But today in a very different sense of what it means
"to speak".
I don't know if I have allowed myself that. Or the time to speak and not be worried.
I found myself speaking today.
I have spoke before
But today in a very different sense of what it means
"to speak".
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Walking Meditation that is still walking....
Today at work we did an medication walk at work and I felt extremely uncovered and exposed to a deeper level. To have to slow things down in a busy urban setting did not sit right with me. All of the sudden I found myself trying to clear my mind, but everything was weighing in and I was there overly bare.
It made me realize the bareness I already have to cope with and slowing it down was like a microscope amplifying my differentness and baring. I was overwhlemed and felt vulnerable.
As leaving to catch the bus a man said hello to me and I saw him watch me cross the street, usual scoff it off my shoulders and walk on, in some way I felt violated. Maybe it was because we were discussing voyuerism today that made it really present in my mind.
I became a little overwhelmed and feeling an anger for the things I deserve that aren't present at the moment... and all of the sudden I was reminded by a friendly conversation, a bucket of paint, and brainstorming ideas when getting home some and I felt an okay-ness to life.
Tonight I had brought to prayer Jeremiah 29:11. I alone the plans I have for you. And this is indeed a reassurance I found this afternoon in baring a little emotion and myself, even if I didn't necessarily like it that much.
It made me realize the bareness I already have to cope with and slowing it down was like a microscope amplifying my differentness and baring. I was overwhlemed and felt vulnerable.
As leaving to catch the bus a man said hello to me and I saw him watch me cross the street, usual scoff it off my shoulders and walk on, in some way I felt violated. Maybe it was because we were discussing voyuerism today that made it really present in my mind.
I became a little overwhelmed and feeling an anger for the things I deserve that aren't present at the moment... and all of the sudden I was reminded by a friendly conversation, a bucket of paint, and brainstorming ideas when getting home some and I felt an okay-ness to life.
Tonight I had brought to prayer Jeremiah 29:11. I alone the plans I have for you. And this is indeed a reassurance I found this afternoon in baring a little emotion and myself, even if I didn't necessarily like it that much.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Re cutting
I cut my thinning bits yesterday. It was only about a centimeter but it is amazing how much I found coverage and concealment in that tiny bit of hair. I have had to cut the thinning bits before, but I feel like keeping them is too painful to see the cranial globe shed it's trees, little by little, as if my head was going through global warming. So I trimmed my hair because for some reason I feel like the sameness of hair length makes me feel more professional, or at least grappling with my reality. So usually the trimming process is upsetting, and remembrance of the first time I had to shave my head at 15 1/2. But this time, I looked down into the sink were the bits fell and honestly, the amount was so insignificant, and as I looked up and into the mirror I realized that I am okay. I closed my eyes and remembered an exercise I did in my alternative mirrors class..."tell yourself your beautiful until you really feel it". I told myself I am beautiful repetitively and opened my eyes, and I felt a deep beauty, a beauty in the pain, in the struggle, in the little insignificant bits in the sink that make me laugh because of the irony, beauty in the ugly, beauty in the fearful, beauty in the honesty, beauty in the beauty, beauty in me. Beauty I need to stand in, own, and believe.
It is a bit weird to rub my hand over my head and feel more of a bristle, but the trimming is an action I did, something I controlled, something I released myself of pain. I felt a bit apprehensive to go out today... but it was only a few bits- why heather, why? But it was more about change for me, it was grievance for a change...
At my internship we were talking about grieving in letting go and entering into the new, even if the new can be better for us. And all of the sudden with a shedding of three little hairs, I felt it. Grieving the old, even if it was painful to move onward. I am excited to head into celebration tomorrow. I think some good good sweet things will come about. As my good friend Mary always says, keep your head high girl but look straight ahead. Believe in yourself and understand your uniqueness has power like every one else's uniqueness does... think of all the work we could get done. Beautiful.
It is a bit weird to rub my hand over my head and feel more of a bristle, but the trimming is an action I did, something I controlled, something I released myself of pain. I felt a bit apprehensive to go out today... but it was only a few bits- why heather, why? But it was more about change for me, it was grievance for a change...
At my internship we were talking about grieving in letting go and entering into the new, even if the new can be better for us. And all of the sudden with a shedding of three little hairs, I felt it. Grieving the old, even if it was painful to move onward. I am excited to head into celebration tomorrow. I think some good good sweet things will come about. As my good friend Mary always says, keep your head high girl but look straight ahead. Believe in yourself and understand your uniqueness has power like every one else's uniqueness does... think of all the work we could get done. Beautiful.
“My upbringing made me as I am now. But I can become merry and happy at once. There were many years I was feeling at a loss about my life or how I grew up. I couldn't understand what is right or what is precious. At that time, I was so miserable and self-defeating. I was feeling angry with various things. My anger came up to the surface then. I don't say such tendency has disappeared. Even now there are anger and the dark side in myself. But it's the first time I've been so close to the light.”
Johnny Depp
Johnny Depp
Loss and revitalization
“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”
Walter Anderson
Walter Anderson
Friday, September 25, 2009
Recent Be-comings
I have recently started new work.
And I have learned about celebration. Celebrating life, but lately I have learned how celebration has become a form of masking for me. I, as anyone who knows me knows the happy go lucky kid in me. But I have recently realized how I mask my pain, my experience, my story-by the chance to throw a smile on others faces and to say there there-it's alright.
Cheer is a good thing, it is an asset that needs to be cherished and elaborated in this world. But also, I want to know how to bring cheer in the utmost authentic form. What does it mean to be a cheerleader for life? What does it mean to have Alopecia and celebrate. I keep celebrating for libration of hair, of beauty, and justice in this world. But it is important to articulate my story, my pain. I think it's important to share the hardship of what I felt, and what I am feeling.
Think of it like going to a party through a random friend, you're there and see banners with "happy birthday", but you don't know who the party is for- and you really wish you knew or was clued in.
I think in all of my celebration- I want to work on articulating my story, my journey (the trials and tribulations), because then people understand, people get a commonality between us all, of human emotion. And then we can put a name to a face at that party.
I simply then am not floating above others but dancing with the people.
Work- back to work. It is amazing to see the wake up calls I get in a day of how I live my life and where I want to go.
My work has the theme that we are all in Recovery. And I didn't quite grasp until I sat in on a circle of people I felt were so far away from me, and what my life experience was. There I was looking at myself in the mirror. And it was terrifyingly beautiful to open it up- to lay it out, and put the truth into action, and to celebrate about honesty.
To say I suffer sometimes, but it is through that suffering, speaking, and creating that I find justice in my mind and heart.
And I look around and I want to dance with life. But I have to remember that the a punchline is no good without the joke, and visa versa. Wholeness, recovery, and story is where I am at.
And I have learned about celebration. Celebrating life, but lately I have learned how celebration has become a form of masking for me. I, as anyone who knows me knows the happy go lucky kid in me. But I have recently realized how I mask my pain, my experience, my story-by the chance to throw a smile on others faces and to say there there-it's alright.
Cheer is a good thing, it is an asset that needs to be cherished and elaborated in this world. But also, I want to know how to bring cheer in the utmost authentic form. What does it mean to be a cheerleader for life? What does it mean to have Alopecia and celebrate. I keep celebrating for libration of hair, of beauty, and justice in this world. But it is important to articulate my story, my pain. I think it's important to share the hardship of what I felt, and what I am feeling.
Think of it like going to a party through a random friend, you're there and see banners with "happy birthday", but you don't know who the party is for- and you really wish you knew or was clued in.
I think in all of my celebration- I want to work on articulating my story, my journey (the trials and tribulations), because then people understand, people get a commonality between us all, of human emotion. And then we can put a name to a face at that party.
I simply then am not floating above others but dancing with the people.
Work- back to work. It is amazing to see the wake up calls I get in a day of how I live my life and where I want to go.
My work has the theme that we are all in Recovery. And I didn't quite grasp until I sat in on a circle of people I felt were so far away from me, and what my life experience was. There I was looking at myself in the mirror. And it was terrifyingly beautiful to open it up- to lay it out, and put the truth into action, and to celebrate about honesty.
To say I suffer sometimes, but it is through that suffering, speaking, and creating that I find justice in my mind and heart.
And I look around and I want to dance with life. But I have to remember that the a punchline is no good without the joke, and visa versa. Wholeness, recovery, and story is where I am at.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Change and a call for vocation.
"Everyone has a vocation- a calling"
this has been on my mind this week. Since starting a new job I realized that I should never settle for something that does not have a drive of passion in me. I realize that I am meant to do a certain type of work, and live uniquely for me. For a while I was questioning this whole road and choices I have been taking with school, jobs, relationships, and I realize the such great purpose that is in me- that I need to listen to and follow. For example with Alopecia- it has been a hardship and it continues to challenge me, but in the long run it has given me direction, a questioning for something greater, it gave me my life back and an identity of social justice to always keep striving for, even if the storms may come my way. It is time to walk the talk. And I am so there.
this has been on my mind this week. Since starting a new job I realized that I should never settle for something that does not have a drive of passion in me. I realize that I am meant to do a certain type of work, and live uniquely for me. For a while I was questioning this whole road and choices I have been taking with school, jobs, relationships, and I realize the such great purpose that is in me- that I need to listen to and follow. For example with Alopecia- it has been a hardship and it continues to challenge me, but in the long run it has given me direction, a questioning for something greater, it gave me my life back and an identity of social justice to always keep striving for, even if the storms may come my way. It is time to walk the talk. And I am so there.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Beginning and workings on a research paper.
I was curious about the cute boys behind me as I was learning about parallel parking in my driver’s education class. I shuffled my hands through my young locks, because that is apparently what a female must do to attract her mate. As trying to lure them in I noticed a bald spot on the back of my neck. I figured it a fluke and like a snakeskin, it was bound to return with even more lovely locks. Within a month all my hair was gone. Every morning strand after strand laid on my pillow, in the shower drain, and fell to a quite death on my bedroom floor, trickling through my hands like water going down to sea, but the only thing is that you don’t know how it is going to get there. Maybe that’s what it is about- my life is just about the adventure of finding it’s way out to sea.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Just watchin' it go by.
I watch the train go by, and say- I wonder where that train is going? And I wonder if I will ever be on it.
There's a metaphor for you.
There's a metaphor for you.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
New Beginnings
Name games and introductions, ah sometimes I really hate them. I suppose I have the ultimate- what is one thing you don't know about me. Sometimes, I don't want to say. But others I want to shout it to the world, that I have Alopecia Areata. So identity how much of it changes over a lifespan. For example, student. I went back to being a student again today and how much awkwardness yet excitement rests in that ten minutes before class, when everyone silently sits there, grabbing at their cell (pretending to turn it off), but in actuality you are just deleting the messages from your inbox to avoid at all costs the need to strike up a conversation with someone else. I did a name game today in class and I grinded my teeth and had an internal groan- but my professor said something a little insightful- "I have gone through an entire class and not meeting anyone- it's sad don't you think?" And I realized something- I never want to be all up in someone's business, espcially a stranger- but at that moment I thought: "How true!" Why aren't we talking. I think if there were more communication in this world- there would be a lot more mobility to see change. It is so easy for me to want my cave time (or what ever sex stereotype it is for a woman needing solitude) and hide from the world, and say I will do that later. But really the time is now. And I really like putting my thoughts down, because somehow I feel this is action, and I feel like it is giving me a little more courage to talk with others in those awkward 10 minutes before class.
Today was about new environments and going back to being a student. I felt in the open and a little nervous, a wee bit tired, but so excited to learn.
Today was about new environments and going back to being a student. I felt in the open and a little nervous, a wee bit tired, but so excited to learn.
Monday, August 17, 2009
A Little List of Support woop woop!
http://www.alopeciaawareness.com/
http://www.alopeciaworld.com/
http://naaf.org/
http://www.alopeciaworld.com/
http://naaf.org/
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Categories
Being a bald woman in her twenties, I feel that sometimes, (approximately yearly) a new challenge arises. Whether it is a man telling me I need a bonnet (I am apparently a young child or we have reverted back to 1700's) to the earthy dreaded young stranger granting me peace and a kiss on the head- rubbing for good luck of course. Buddha's tummy magically and geographically shift a complete axis upward to my head and somehow to people they find enlightenment. Where is this going... Exactly, my experience with Alopecia and being bald is a bunch of stories mashed together all adding to greater insight of who I am and how I interact with the world. I hope to share more as time goes on.
So Categories... like the example of situations above, I realize, I have to break my life into a filing system. Where there are files, and in those files is learned information of how to handle a certain situation, and how can that information be retrieved and applied to the bigger story- life, who we are, and what we want out of it all.
My Categories are:
Love/ Romance
Spirituality
Ambition and goals
Career
Expression
Interactions & relationships
I suppose I could edit this later on, it is really a fluctuating thing, things become pertinent, others fade away- or I conquer fears, or create new thoughts. Basically, I like writing this all down because it helps me flush it out. It gets my mind going away from the ugly and feels that I can transform my life, just by writing.
(Note: I usually write this before bed- so excuse the delirious- miss spelling or nonsense thoughts- I will try to edit, but that is like saying you'll try to go to the gym 7 days a week- doesn't happen.)
So to a last note. Above is my cycle of categories of what I constantly file information under. Things become heavy at times, and I sometimes feel sad about things- like we all do. At times, I feel scared, embarrassed, shameful, and ugly that I am bald. Especially when I first lost my hair. But I also feel enlightened, empowered, dazzling, beautiful, excited, and in love with being bare to the world- it gives me so much sometimes. For example, I was walking on Powell today and I pass this gorgeous group of men. One guy had the most striking features, and a bit of drool hit my lips. And my brain started kicking in scared but remembering all my loved ones' advice "hold your head high." and I told myself to "smile just smile", and he turned around and said "I like your hair cut" with a sincerity I felt hit to my core and it helped me remember that I can rock it and I can always smile- because I can truly own that. I said thank you and walked on. I noticed my spirit that was in a good mood already, was elevated to the next level. I kept my head high and walked on, into the day with a friend by my side.
So file that information into interactions and put a plus and remember that even a stranger with the smallest complement can uplift your days. Take those- remember them- battle them against negative thoughts of your own or the craziness that may come your way. Remember to hold your head high and smile just smile because you truly own it. I have to remember this.
So Categories... like the example of situations above, I realize, I have to break my life into a filing system. Where there are files, and in those files is learned information of how to handle a certain situation, and how can that information be retrieved and applied to the bigger story- life, who we are, and what we want out of it all.
My Categories are:
Love/ Romance
Spirituality
Ambition and goals
Career
Expression
Interactions & relationships
I suppose I could edit this later on, it is really a fluctuating thing, things become pertinent, others fade away- or I conquer fears, or create new thoughts. Basically, I like writing this all down because it helps me flush it out. It gets my mind going away from the ugly and feels that I can transform my life, just by writing.
(Note: I usually write this before bed- so excuse the delirious- miss spelling or nonsense thoughts- I will try to edit, but that is like saying you'll try to go to the gym 7 days a week- doesn't happen.)
So to a last note. Above is my cycle of categories of what I constantly file information under. Things become heavy at times, and I sometimes feel sad about things- like we all do. At times, I feel scared, embarrassed, shameful, and ugly that I am bald. Especially when I first lost my hair. But I also feel enlightened, empowered, dazzling, beautiful, excited, and in love with being bare to the world- it gives me so much sometimes. For example, I was walking on Powell today and I pass this gorgeous group of men. One guy had the most striking features, and a bit of drool hit my lips. And my brain started kicking in scared but remembering all my loved ones' advice "hold your head high." and I told myself to "smile just smile", and he turned around and said "I like your hair cut" with a sincerity I felt hit to my core and it helped me remember that I can rock it and I can always smile- because I can truly own that. I said thank you and walked on. I noticed my spirit that was in a good mood already, was elevated to the next level. I kept my head high and walked on, into the day with a friend by my side.
So file that information into interactions and put a plus and remember that even a stranger with the smallest complement can uplift your days. Take those- remember them- battle them against negative thoughts of your own or the craziness that may come your way. Remember to hold your head high and smile just smile because you truly own it. I have to remember this.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
To take a stand
I feel that with Alopecia- there has been a silence placed over my body- a bondage as woman, as the overemotional. I think these stereotypes and judgements of women have started long ago. Before the dawn of feminism, before a thought of Heather Curtis was ever mentioned. These negative thoughts about my body are a history of a long story told. So if it has been told- why speak? And I feel that for a stance in women everywhere I have an obligation and right to tell. To speak of a story untold, only unique to I. A tale of that last stand and last strand, only to make something new- a reinvention of that once longing to tell my story, but not feeling the courage and illegitimate with thoughts of woman, bald, heterosexual, and all of those categorizing metaphors we use to define our bodies and try to pinpoint our minds. It is my courage to write- but now only to believe that I can. I can have the courage to speak and feel adequate of where I stand as a bald woman in her twenties not by choice. This is a story of an 8 year battle of adapting with a body and preparing my mind for the journey that lay ahead. I am preparing myself for battle with an ounce and a half that I can keep going, keep going to make other's believe that they can march ahead and lead me, greet me, and teach me a little more love.
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