Last week, I was at open mic for my work and yet again I left feeling rejuvenated. When I went to the open mic I asked a woman if anyone was sittng next to her, she said go ahead, then I sat down and the woman sitting on the other side of the empty seat said "no no I don't want to sit next to you!"
Alright- yes she could have wanted an empty seat next to her, and the excuses can go on, for why she didn't want to sit next to me. But in all honesty- let's cut through the B.S.- She didn't want to sit next to me because I am a bald woman, an abnormal site.
Yes it is hard to say- she wasn't comfortable with me because of my hair loss. But let's be honesty- let's not put on a pretty face to a reality. That was how it was.
This has happened before, similar situations, before I was devastated- I wanted to be in bed for a week, I felt terrified of the public and what people thought of me. I felt like a monster that should be caged- a freak show that make people just too uncomfortable.
But this time it was different. For once- the depression didn't set in, the anxiety and fear of my monster identity, never came. And I was okay. I asked her if she would like me to move- she said no that's okay I will. She got up and moved. And a clear understanding of "she feels uncomfortable, she is the one who misunderstands, she can take care of her self" I realized it is her insecurity and uncomfortableness that she needs to deal with. I am here, I am not going to change, and I have to say "I am okay with who I am- in fact I have love for myself, my integrity, and my identity- socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
And all of the sudden, it was such a real moment- the honesty was at an all time high- and I was okay. I survived and I didn't need to hide from the world, and put away who I was in order to accompany people's misunderstandings. I didn't need to cry about it- and it felt so good. It was real.
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