Re cutting

I cut my thinning bits yesterday. It was only about a centimeter but it is amazing how much I found coverage and concealment in that tiny bit of hair. I have had to cut the thinning bits before, but I feel like keeping them is too painful to see the cranial globe shed it's trees, little by little, as if my head was going through global warming. So I trimmed my hair because for some reason I feel like the sameness of hair length makes me feel more professional, or at least grappling with my reality. So usually the trimming process is upsetting, and remembrance of the first time I had to shave my head at 15 1/2. But this time, I looked down into the sink were the bits fell and honestly, the amount was so insignificant, and as I looked up and into the mirror I realized that I am okay. I closed my eyes and remembered an exercise I did in my alternative mirrors class..."tell yourself your beautiful until you really feel it". I told myself I am beautiful repetitively and opened my eyes, and I felt a deep beauty, a beauty in the pain, in the struggle, in the little insignificant bits in the sink that make me laugh because of the irony, beauty in the ugly, beauty in the fearful, beauty in the honesty, beauty in the beauty, beauty in me. Beauty I need to stand in, own, and believe.

It is a bit weird to rub my hand over my head and feel more of a bristle, but the trimming is an action I did, something I controlled, something I released myself of pain. I felt a bit apprehensive to go out today... but it was only a few bits- why heather, why? But it was more about change for me, it was grievance for a change...

At my internship we were talking about grieving in letting go and entering into the new, even if the new can be better for us. And all of the sudden with a shedding of three little hairs, I felt it. Grieving the old, even if it was painful to move onward. I am excited to head into celebration tomorrow. I think some good good sweet things will come about. As my good friend Mary always says, keep your head high girl but look straight ahead. Believe in yourself and understand your uniqueness has power like every one else's uniqueness does... think of all the work we could get done. Beautiful.