Old News- But is present in contemporary climate- Needing Change

Tragic news came out of Knoxville, Tennessee, on Thursday, August 20,
2008, when 15-year-old Ryan McDonald was fatally shot by a fellow
student. Ryan had alopecia areata since age 3 and the motive for the
incident appeared to be strongly related to bullying and teasing over
the fact that Ryan was hairless and stood out as different.

The high school had been trying to crack down on fights and unruly
behavior amidst an atmosphere that was "a culture that lacked
discipline." Ryan was raised under tough circumstances and he was
described by those close to him as a "kindhearted kid", "always
happy", but with a tough exterior that compelled him to stand his
ground and handle himself verbally when teased or bullied - it was
pointed out that Ryan had been endlessly teased. He was
confrontational and had a chip on his shoulder – probably, not unlike
many of his fellow students and friends. However, violence of this
sort is never expected and this incident has sent shock waves through
his local community as well as the community of those of us who deal
with alopecia areata.

A remark by a classmate summed up much of the emotion, "I didn't know
him but I feel like I lost my best friend." Her world was violated.
Her sense of what is fair and just was turned around by a single
event. Her own security was threatened and the loss could have just
as easily involved her or a close friend. It points out how fragile
life is and how fragile our way-of-life can be - and, how deep this
hits home for many of us. For me, it brings back isolated feelings of
my adolescence and being singled out as different. It was a time of
not having an understanding of myself with alopecia areata and not
having the tools to deal with it. It also brings to mind all the many
children I have known with alopecia areata and how important it is to
me that they have every opportunity to achieve full potential.

What could have been done differently? There are no set formulas. We
deal with life circumstances in a variety of ways and all of them are
valid and all of them should lead to responsible emotions and actions.
All of us have tested the boundaries of teasing and bullying. Most
of us learned quickly that some light-hearted teasing is normal and
part of life. More importantly, we learned that being a bully crosses
the line and is not acceptable behavior. Awareness of the problem is
essential along with timely and thoughtful intervention.

How do we monitor? Be open with your child and give them the space to
respond and talk things over with you. Be observant of their
behavior, especially while interacting with friends. Be aware of
signs that might indicate bullying or other problems. A child may
become withdrawn or depressed. Social activities may be avoided if a
child feels threatened. School work and the ability to concentrate
often take a turn for the worse as a child becomes preoccupied with
insecurities. We need to not only be aware of the victims of bullying
but to be extra aware of someone who might be a bully. Besides those
things listed above, a bully is often defiant, has a difficult time
forming positive relationships, and manifests abusive tendencies.

What can we do? Again, there is no formula. First, be certain to set
a good example as a role model. Next, it takes both a watchful eye
and the capability to stand back and allow our kids to mature through
their own life experiences and develop self-esteem and maturity.

Where do we draw the line? As mentioned, everyone teases now and then
and good-natured teasing usually involves humor and a comfort level
with the person being teased. It ceases to be funny if the teasing is
persistent or is presented with a threatening or demeaning attitude.
A bully's weapons are verbal, psychological, and physical. Be aware
that boys usually bully in a different way than girls. Boys tend to
be confrontational in verbal and physical ways directly with the
victim. Girls tend to talk indirectly "bad mouth" and exclude the
victim from the group. Bullying tends to exhibit power and control.
Note that the perpetrator may also be under the stress of being
bullied by other kids or adults.

How do we protect our kids? We need to handle situations with
age-appropriate communication in order to guide both bully and victim
to a better understanding of themselves and others. Children need to
be aware that they have capabilities to deal with teasing and bullying
but that it is okay to seek the help of friends, parents, and other
trusted authority figures. We also must realize that children may not
know how to ask for help. Even when a child is going through a
critical situation and an adult tries to intervene, the child may find
it very uncomfortable to be open and choose to deny an experience or
concern. Overall, a child is better off to widen their circle of
support through caring friends and adults. The overwhelming goals for
both bully and victim is to come to a better understanding of
relationships, to learn skills of conflict resolution, and to improve
on techniques to problem-solve their own issues and relationships.

Many schools have resources within the district to effectively
confront and resolve these issues by encouraging a climate of respect
for self, for others, and for diversity. If you recognize a problem
and you are not receiving satisfactory results, be sure to broaden
your scope for seeking help from parents, teachers, and other
resources. The National Alopecia Areata Foundation is an excellent
resource for information specific to helping parents work with schools
in order to educate and provide students with straightforward
information about alopecia areata. Timely action often diffuses
problems before they get out of hand. Much more general information
is readily available and easy to find on the internet with regards to
teasing and bullying.

http://www.naaf.org/index.html National Alopecia Areata
Foundation – NAAF