The ship changed course and it was okay, I was able to see other options. I wasn't in my desolate black and white thinking. I was able to see a new shore. I was able to begin to breathe again and know that, baby, every little thing is going to be alright.

What happens when road blocks are present How do you take on a new meaning and perception if life just keeps putting curve balls in your face. For so long: loss was I. I was loss. I redefined and I want my meaning to be about gaining. I'm trying to gain, to embrace a "holy gaining" and all I am getting served is loss. Wtf. Come on life. I am trying and all I get is loss after the next. Throw this girl a bone- I sat on the Atlantic and I truly felt an authentic "I am ready" and all I get is subtraction. I am not good at math, however I am smart enough to understand that tides change and I am ready for my tide changer. Addition come to me (hehe). I am ready to embrace. Patience can be a little bitch sometimes, excuse the french.

Embrace your little monsters

Embrace your little monsters. Your little monsters can be many things, the insecurities and fears that creep up on you. I have mine and this past week I feel like I have indeed been reminded of my little monsters. I fear my little monsters, but I had a thought... maybe it is time to give a little lovin to my little monsters. Instead of fearing these creatures of doubt and insecurity... what would happen if I acknowledged them, sat with them, gave them some attention? What would it look like to be present with my little monsters, and if I faced them head on would they really be that scary? Would they be all that I had them cracked up to be, and maybe just maybe I might love my little monsters. After all, they indeed might keep me grounded, humbled, and in check. This week I was reminded of my little monsters and maybe it's okay to be attentive to them and they might just teach you a thing or two.

Tapas in dc and data collection almost complete. It is amazing how much I stressed over this. However I should up and advocated for the cause and for myself with awesome help from friends and it worked out. I am surprised at the responsiveness! I also wonder why I was so surprised. I realize I often speculate things won't work out and I feel a need to do it all but right when I walk in the Hyatt I was completely supported and people were genuinely excited for this study. There were kinks and mess ups but over all I feel like it was a success and I did to the best of my abilities. I can't wait to look at the data!

To fall in love with a city! Georgia, wow you have truly blown me away! Especially Savannah, you are mix of berkeley and small town san francisco with a hint of Davis. If traveling through savannah I highly recommend foxy Loxy cafe and Back in the day bakery. I am all about unique spaces especially for deliciousness going into my belly. This space is artirific, all of it. So inspired to paint and feeling alive traveling! I forgot how important recharge time is for me. Two days ago I sat on the beach at Tybee Island and how cool, porch swings on the beach. To be able to sit and reflect is so important to me and I forget that sometimes. It is easy for me to get wrapped up in the swing of things and give up a lot of myself to commitments. It is my do good caring nature. I put the other guy infront of myself at the risk of losing myself. Traveling and excursions on my own is refreshing it is a reminder to take care of myself. I will be ready to go forth with my dealio in California and excited for the things to come. Practicum and life excitement here I come, remembering take your time heather and know that you are capable. ... As for the mean time, time to drink more sweet tea and enjoy the south just a little bit longer. Feeling good.

Tapas in dc and data collection almost complete. It is amazing how much I stressed over this. However I showed up and advocated for the cause and for myself with awesome help from friends and it worked out. I am surprised at the responsiveness! I also wonder why I was so surprised. I realize I often speculate things won't work out and I feel a need to do it all but right when I walk in the Hyatt I was completely supported and people were genuinely excited for this study. There were kinks and mess ups but over all I feel like it was a success and I did to the best of my abilities. I can't wait to look at the data!

Attuned

Triggers and Being Attune Today talking about agency, triggers and being attune- guys this is good stuff! Have you ever felt, why do I attract certain types of unwanted attention or types of people in my life? I sure have. That has constantly been a replay in my mind when I come across people who over step boundaries. And for anyone who knows my funny awkward stories from bars and beyond, this is of common occurrence. I constantly question- why do I attract the creeps, the boundary violators, and obscure characters? This is a loaded question and puts my self to blame, that there is something about my innate nature that attracts these kinds of interactions. And I start self blaming and seem to let it happen to me. I justify it and I feel at fault. Today I was able to see an alternative view and put language into effect that maybe it is not "I attract this" but "I am highly attune to this behavior, I understand how it plays out, I have seen it, and so it is easy for me to pick up on obscure behavior and interactions. There is a lot more empowerment possibilities in the latter way of viewing weird interactions. All of the sudden I am no longer a victim to self blaming thoughts, instead I am able to see characteristics, identify, organize, and to be able to say I don't have to have this treatment/ interaction/ conversation, and that is okay. Today I feel empowered by the word of: "I am highly attuned". Which sounds kinda funny, but it gives me a lot of strength. So the next time I get an inappropriate rub on my head from a stranger, or conversation which is crossing boundaries that I can begin to say, I don't attract this, but I can see this and understand this, and I do not have to tolerate it. To my Alopecia Family, there should be a book of rights and in that remember: You do not have to engage in a conversation that you feel uncomfortable with. It is healthy to talk about your condition and experience and spread awareness, but you are not obligated. Like with anything your healthy and safety is number one. It is choppy waters and at times we are attune to so much, it can tiring. However, When you talk of Alopecia, let it be special and unique because you are, and keep shinning on.

“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I just realized one of my pet peeves. Canceling on people. I hate it. I have a weekend cleared which is good for thesis, catch up on rest and rejuvenation, and get over this little tickle in my throat but ughh ughhh so arduous for me. I know that some times canceling is needed but it annoys me a lot. I don't mind getting canceled on but I hate when I have to cancel. Hmm...

Finding Allies and the mirror Within

Today I realize the term "Ally"

Ally: to unite or form a connection or relation with another.

Thesis: A process of self doubt, constantly. Somewhere there is a flashing light that tells me to keep doing this. There is purpose and shine, shine, shine. But damn, why is it such a demanding, frustrating, intense experience? All week, I have been struggling with the sense of "I am the one writing this and I have to do it" and "what if no one cares?" What if this is all for myself? A support said, "well what if your research only benefits yourself? Innately, it is your nature to give back and to be concerned with the other, but what would it look like if your research only helped you? Would it be all bad?"

And I realize of course not. All of the sudden I thought of the meaning of passengers on plane in an emergency (dramatic as it is, but stay with me). Before a parent helps a child, they must put on their own oxygen mask. You can only help others, when you have fed oxygen to yourself.

I think of this thesis process as a challenge, maybe not quite an emergency per say, but it is a journey that is important to feed yourself. And at the end of the day I was fed, I was nourished to keep walking into my vocation and life, thus giving the energy to give in healthy ways.

Ally: are the people and the supports that really have and are reminding me to feed myself. Every week I run into class, high on caffeine and pressured that I didn't print three copies of my writing that I haven't done yet but was suppose to. I enter class and I see faces of everyone having the same face and the scent of coffee coming from my co-students. I take a deep breathe and realize that thesis is hard but by allies we can make it through. My classmates and I are on our way to make something really wonderful, out of all these ideas that will benefit self, the art therapy profession, and clients.

Ally: the people that tell me, "Great, your growing, but are you caring for yourself in the process?"

It's one thing to have people remind oneself to ask the tough questions and to reflect internally, but another to say- take care on the process. Find the ally residing inside of you. Don't be afraid to ask for help and admit that sometimes you need others to help you through. I want to ask the tough questions and I am ready to continue my journey without forgetting my tool of the mirror within, reminding myself all will be alright. All will be wonderful.

Set the Balls Down

Grad School- Thesis-IRB Application- Practicum Search- Work- Student Groups- Volunteer- Somehow manage a social life- and date. Those are a lot of balls in the air. This morning experiencing a chaotic catch up- I realized I am all over the place. My support I was talking to expressed- is it really chaotic? Or is it all the balls are in the air and you keep needing to tend to all of them so they don't fall down. What would happen if you placed the balls down and tended to them one by one- designated a time for each.

I work in metaphor. Balls in the air feels fitting of this chapter- this semester- this time I am trying to manage. Instead of managing- how about "Just be". Instead of trying to tend to all things at once- one thing, one day at a time. I was feeling overwhelmed about the amount of things in my life- but now I want to fully embrace. It's this projects turn to have my attention. Then in a few hours or tomorrow, the next.

Today is about patting myself on the back and telling myself- "you got this girl" and tending to one thing at a time.

Disentangle

Feb 7th 2012
The end of January brought my 11th anniversary with Alopecia Areata. This year was about transformation. Each year I can feel it shifting and changing the meaning and myself in new ways. For years, January 26th was about loss and grief and these past two years were: after-the-storm-and-the-sun-comes-out-everything- is-clean and it’s time to get outside doing things. Living.
Last year was about changing the thought process of loss to what are my gains. This year I learned my word… like in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert… “What is your word?” This year it is: Disentangle.
After careful repetitive themes and reminders in my life I am realizing that meaningfulness is important but everything doesn’t have to be connected. I think about the growing pains of my life and for a long time I considered them going hand in hand. This year it dawned on me: compartmentalization is good.
My hair loss is not tangled with other pains that I have experienced in my life. Alopecia does not have to be the measurement of my relationships and my capacity to love. My lack of hair is not measure to the amount of love and compassion that I hold for others and myself.
In therapy I have been going over the theme of what is my representation (outside vs. inside), can I find equilibrium and insure healthy boundaries. I also learned that it’s okay to state how you would like to be seen- in that moment. I want to be seen as human, someone who is kickass inspirational but someone that doesn’t have to be the revolutionary inspiration all the time. I make mistakes and I hurt- but I come back and keep walking even though it’s hard sometimes.
So this year it is about disentangling.
Everything doesn’t have to be connected completely- all the time. My insecurities in one area of my life, does not need to determine my fate in another area. It is time to do a little sorting, cutting the insecure tangled connections, compartmentalize, and hold meaning because life is precious. Each piece in it’s own way and own place is beautiful even in the madness and stress. But like an exotic moth being saved in it’s own compartment box. It is intricate on it’s own which then makes up an entire species. We each have a place and calling- our own intricate details that are precious- so it’s time to sort and celebrate a new year. A new year of disentanglement: to find clarity and joy.

Returning home from a trip to DC. 2012 oh the things you have in store. Travel- so important- gets out of your routine… even if it’s walking a different way. Switch it up- it’s good for you.