random notes

Good conversations today.
busy bee.

Submitted to NYU today- ah we shall see.
Such an unknown.

Reading:
The Beggar King and the Secret of happiness, by Joel Ben Izzy.

Current song that I am lovin:
-Wait till you see my smile
-Coldplay- Fix you
-Dixie Chicks- top of the world

Movie wanting to see:
tyler perry's: I can do bad all by myself
Dear John
Invictus

Excited for friends, family, and finding some time to paint.
Oh and a bath.

Would love to see in concert:
Beyonce
Mary J Blige
Lady Antibellum
Kings of Leon
Joshua Radin

If I could be better at one thing-
Math.

Something I think is funny:
The mom on the bus that kept saying "ohhh baby are you poopy, ahhh baby are you poopy, you poopy?" And the kid says "poppy".

Something I love:
When people are singing outloud to themselves and doing a little dance on the street as they are walking

something I think is awkward:
When you hear something drop a pickup line and the other recipient either doesn't get it, or doesn't know how to respond.
Example- Copy shop- "Do you have one of those rolls [of tape]? I'll put my roll in your thing." I don't think the woman got it.

So inappropriate, and awkward.

Something I admire- that this season's bachelor isn't playing by the rules. (I know I know)
I also admire- my conversation of story sharing yesterday at the library about empowerment, self esteem, etc...

I admire those who have hardships work through it and show up still.

I love multi colored flowers and farmers markets.
I love that my friend Cynthia told me-it's healthy to write a list of things you hate... here is a few of mine...

I hate:
1) folding paperbags
2)animal movies
3) The smell of old metal on your hands.

Okay more to come xo

I love it when- ou see someone in the right time, that it is just awesome with their timing and conversation. I love those happenings.

Today a man across from me was weeping in the library. I visually wish there were lasooses attached to each one of us that sensed pain, and collected each other to share stories. To tell.

Nine years.

Nine years. And I look out into the open and I see so much more to go. I am a bit scared today. I look back and see nine years of baldness and I look ahead and all I can see is more. Sometimes... a lot of the time- I really wish this disease would just go away. I feel that okay I have learned my lesson, self acceptance, confidence, self love, blablabala- got it. Now let me just have my hair back. I am tired of feeling like I need to over compensate for the things I lack. I am tired of being on all the time. I am tired of answering back. I am tired of being bald. I don't want this anymore- I don't want this anymore- I have learned enough.

That is what my mind is saying. Nine year aniversary with being bald and I feel exhausted.

Sustainability

vs. a leading known death of an idea.

If something doesn't work, try approaching it a little differently for renewal.

Today was a bit of a tough day for me. Yesterday was my nine year anniversary of when I first lost my hair. And I took a "self care" day yesterday to go on a drive, and spoil myself on a massage ;) During that time I was trying to allow myself to "get it out" emotionally of all that I was thinking. Well, trying to force myself to cry about it, really didn't work. I thought tomyself, maybe I have done enough crying about it. Maybe I am finally over it. Sure enough- I get to Glide. And start journaling as I am waiting for a meeting to start, and there it goes the waterworks. And all I could think of was "why today- I was suppose to do this yesterday- I gotta get to work. Why now? I scheduled this for yesterday. Bad timing." What ever happened to God's time, spirit time, emotion time. Letting it work out naturally. heather have you really settled upon set calendars even to feel. How about drop your blinds protecting you from honesty. Do not be affraid to say I am bald and this sucks.

The power to say goodbye.

Notes and more to follow!

It's been one of those days... that you want to say... "life suck it."

Today. Ugh today- was a really hard day. I think I had one of the most terrifying experiences. I was watching a few children today and a miscommunication happened leading to a child being lost for a minute. And yes, just a minute, and yes everything is fine now but I had some of the worst fear in my life today. I realized how important communication is.

Lately my ego has been so slashed to the ground- my frustration level has been running high. So with a few things bearing down- it feels like a thousand- I keep wearing at myself- saying "stupid stupid stupid". And I am reminded of how many times I said this. I had to stop myself. I had to remember the good parts. I have to remember the hug I got from one of the kids I was watching. I have to remember that I am okay. I have to remember to not fear all of the good things that can happen. And not be affraid to just live in it.

My ego has been beat up lately- but maybe it's a good thing. Maybe humbling, maybe lets me go through a fire to see what is true on the other side of potentiality- authenticity. I am not going to over play my thinking. Today al I wanted to do was say: "Life suck it."

Off to painting. I have weird energy and it's time to focus on something different.... or better yet... I am needing to be in it. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.