A few years back I was honored to be a teacher to some amazing kids. I was digging through some old papers and I found some notes on Kwanzaa. Let me just tell you Kwanzaa kicks ass and that is the kind of rejuvenation I need in my life, culture, and soul.
Kwanzaa:
Dec. 26-Jan 1
There are seven principles:
1) Umoja- Unity
2) Kujichagulia- Self determination
3) Ujima- Collective work and responsibility
4) Ujamaa- cooperative economics
5) Nia- purpose
6) Kuumbe- creativity
7) Imani- Faith
These principles is really jiving with where I am at in life. And needing a little something something. Christmas get ready because the meaning boys are back in town.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Give it up
Everybody wants you
Everybody wants your love
I'd just like to make you mine all mine
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
Baby give it up
Give it up, Baby give it up
-KC and the Sunshine Band
"Give it up"
Everybody wants your love
I'd just like to make you mine all mine
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
Baby give it up
Give it up, Baby give it up
-KC and the Sunshine Band
"Give it up"
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Inviting others into the journey and understanding the other person....
I keep things close and "I'm fine" is constantly flying out of my mouth. What's so scary about letting others in and to speak about my experience in life. It is time to find healthy boundaries but not to be afraid to stand up and speak.
I keep things close and "I'm fine" is constantly flying out of my mouth. What's so scary about letting others in and to speak about my experience in life. It is time to find healthy boundaries but not to be afraid to stand up and speak.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Art, Soul, and Transformation
This past week I attended the Art Therapy Association Conference in Washington D.C. During the conference I was able to expand my understanding of materials in therapeutic practice. Not only did I learn about book arts, but also I took a class on fabric collage when working with trauma survivors. My mind was expanded in the populations I want to work with in the future. I started off learning about dual relationships in small communities. I often have my mind buzzing from dreams and goals such as eventually living up in the country working with rural communities. I learned so much about the complexities of dual relationships in small communities, the importance of confidentiality, and thinking about self disclosure through the internet. This really started making me consider the ways in which I have self disclosed through facebook, or even this blog. The question came to mind, as a writer/ artist disclosing (to a certain degree) is part of my process, but as a future therapist how could that hinder my relationship to the profession, my clients, and privacy/ boundaries of self.
I was incredibly moved by the momentum behind working with military soliders returning from oversees, particularly demonstrating PTSD. There was a panel on the projects behind this movement. And a client shared his story processing his battle with PTSD. And next thing I know he said... My disability will no longer be my liability. My jaw dropped because going on a year and half ago I spoke those words through my sermon at Glide Memorial Church when interning there. I realized about blessings and hidden interconnectedness that truly exists. There is healing happening in this world and it's going to get so much better. My vocation is calling. And here I am- ready!
I was incredibly moved by the momentum behind working with military soliders returning from oversees, particularly demonstrating PTSD. There was a panel on the projects behind this movement. And a client shared his story processing his battle with PTSD. And next thing I know he said... My disability will no longer be my liability. My jaw dropped because going on a year and half ago I spoke those words through my sermon at Glide Memorial Church when interning there. I realized about blessings and hidden interconnectedness that truly exists. There is healing happening in this world and it's going to get so much better. My vocation is calling. And here I am- ready!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Killer Bees
This week was decompression. Simply said.
I went to the National Alopecia Areata Conference. It was all over the board for me. It was life changing and awakening for so many reasons. So where do I begin?
I was inspired...
- By the kids with Alopecia- they shine and really led the others.
- By the parents experience to find a space to cry/ mourn/ rage/ show their self- blame they may feel over their child's hair loss (which they shouldn't)- a space to be where they need to be.
- By the friendships made and the adults to walk together in this experience (and dance parties in hotel rooms- how can you beat that?)
Things that didn't get my cookies to crumble:
- I wasn't too enthralled by the motivational speakers. (Maybe just an off year?)
- I support the medical research of this disease- absolutely, but at what cost are we going to risk our lives to treat a non-life threatening disease?
-Acid treatment equivalent to poison oak?! Really?
-ER visits from allergic reactions to treatments. I am worried.
Things I liked:
The support groups were really interesting. And the young adults support group was kick butt, really interesting to hear my same age group and see the Alopecia support group in another context.
Things I wasn't aware of:
There was a common theme of children and their families having to go against school boards to allow hats in schools. I heard many stories about how families had to eventually go to the state's department of education to have their child allowed into their school with a hat. The concern assumed with a child wearing a hat in the school is in affiliation with "gang culture".
I have to question the systems protocols as a comparison to the enduring discrimination against children of difference in our schools. Violence is in the schools. Healing and a cease to bullying need to happen. But I question how does that happen when there is still the label amongst the system stating "this child of difference is not allowed".
I think that this overlaps with other children of difference. I think this is where we all can connect, Alopecia or not. Children of difference deserve the access to education. People deserve love from others, the system, and self. How appropriate to learn about this over pride weekend. As I was boogying my ass off with 900 other bald people to celebrate our difference, my home – the bay area was dancing for all of us as well.
What I found comical:
Killer bees. As I was listening to the medical update about Alopecia Areata- they threw out the term “killer bees”. Honestly, after a late night drive from the bay, an early morning talk on the development of children, and no coffee- I was snoozing. But as soon as one doctor threw out the term “killer bees”, my pupils opened, and there was a giggle in my belly.
“Killer bees” is being used as a term to describe the process of my body attacking my hair follicle- because it has a swarm effect. So I have killer bees in me. Comical, interesting, and I kind of want to be sarcastic about it and say “Really?! WTF? That’s what you got doctors? Killer Bees? Really?
Makes sense, like in Winnie the Pooh- when the bees were attacking, they ran to the mud- us Alopecians run to the poison oak. (Excuse my sarcasm).
Moving on…
What motivated me:
One doctor I really got a lot out of went over all the treatments- although it seemed daunting to sit through, it was extremely informative. My favorite part of his talk was the comparison or Alopecia Areata to the movie Click. He warned the audience to skip the movie, not worth it. But the basic concept of the movie Click was that the main actor fast forwards through all of the bad parts of his life. Leaving him with the feeling that he had not really lived. The doctor made the connection that “we can not fast forward through Alopecia Areata” it might be worth while to explore to deeper meanings of who we truly are in this experience. I got it. There is no fast forwarding through Alopecia Areata.
This made me think a lot about my career. And going to the conference really pointed out to me the lack of psychological services and therapeutic support given to this community. The monetary support is in the medical (makes sense and I am not complaining), but I have to question as mentioned before, how far are we going to go to be pricked and prodded to treat a non-threatening disease when Alopecians are highly aware about day to day interactions. And when is the time we are going to stop pushing the fast forward button on medical treatment and dig a little deeper into the experience of the alopecian on a day-to-day basis?
I loved the conference- but its only once a year. I love my support group meetings- but they are only every other month. Not that I want to walk with “woe with me I have alopecia” everyday- it’s been ten years and there is a point to which we must eventually let go of the grief of hair loss, but we as a community have the ability to share something deeper, to connect our shared humanity with the world. We have the capability to stand for difference and a strong power/ investment into social justice that isn’t being recognized. It’s time to tap into a broader understanding of transformation.
Learning to be the newbie: VIP
This was my first conference. I was VIP (literally had to have that on my name tag) because I was a newbie. It was a bit strange to be the newbie, but to be so old (not age- but 10 years- notches under my belt with Alopecia). A woman at the conference one night asked how I was doing since I was a newbie. I could see the rush of sympathy through her bones. I appreciated her caring, but I felt very fragile. I joked it off with- "Oh I have had it for ten years, I just haven't been to a conference" but there was something in that interaction that made me feel a duality. I was a VIP, but I also felt "fragile" and I didn't like that. But I realize it was good for me to experience. I often hold my head high- because I am the vet of Alopecia- I am bare and I show the world that it's possible. I am the strong one. But to have the VIP newbie tag- really humbled me. It really allowed myself to say: "why do you have to be strong all the time Heather? And why can't you accept someone asking "how are you?" So I was VIP and now on further reflection, damn it felt good.
So specialness, last but not least. The more I think about it, I had a hard time being just another bald head in the sea of Alopecians at the conference. I often pride myself on the choice I have made to not wear a wig or hat. I am confident to confront conversation, answer questions, and radiate Alopecia. But I realized how far I need to go with true acceptance of me myself and I. Me as radiant and not my bald head (my bald head is sexy- don't get me wrong but that's not the full package). This is where India Arie's "I am not my hair" interplays.
All of the sudden I found my self going from being bare as my specialness, it's what gets me into conversation with people, sometimes accesses me to resources I feel I would not have, etc. But once I walked into that hotel for the conference. I was scared- I had a momentary panic of "my specialness is gone. I am like everybody else". This scared me to realize I ride so much confidence of myself on Alopecia. And after I left the conference I have to admit, I had a little fear in me. What if my hair grew back? How would I be special? Once I get on one of these existential life lessons, I am not one to easily drop it. I realize that this is something I really want to hone in on. I want to believe that my specialness lies within my self (persona, laugh, charisma, etc), and not so readily rely on my defining of Alopecia to define who I am. As the weekend went on, I realized the connections I made really were powerful and based off of something so much greater than my insecurities. I realize the importance for that conference and I hope to continue to go because it pointed out that my specialness lies so much deeper than to have hair or not. But me. We all have the specialness in us and it's important to be spot checked on it from time to time.
I went to the National Alopecia Areata Conference. It was all over the board for me. It was life changing and awakening for so many reasons. So where do I begin?
I was inspired...
- By the kids with Alopecia- they shine and really led the others.
- By the parents experience to find a space to cry/ mourn/ rage/ show their self- blame they may feel over their child's hair loss (which they shouldn't)- a space to be where they need to be.
- By the friendships made and the adults to walk together in this experience (and dance parties in hotel rooms- how can you beat that?)
Things that didn't get my cookies to crumble:
- I wasn't too enthralled by the motivational speakers. (Maybe just an off year?)
- I support the medical research of this disease- absolutely, but at what cost are we going to risk our lives to treat a non-life threatening disease?
-Acid treatment equivalent to poison oak?! Really?
-ER visits from allergic reactions to treatments. I am worried.
Things I liked:
The support groups were really interesting. And the young adults support group was kick butt, really interesting to hear my same age group and see the Alopecia support group in another context.
Things I wasn't aware of:
There was a common theme of children and their families having to go against school boards to allow hats in schools. I heard many stories about how families had to eventually go to the state's department of education to have their child allowed into their school with a hat. The concern assumed with a child wearing a hat in the school is in affiliation with "gang culture".
I have to question the systems protocols as a comparison to the enduring discrimination against children of difference in our schools. Violence is in the schools. Healing and a cease to bullying need to happen. But I question how does that happen when there is still the label amongst the system stating "this child of difference is not allowed".
I think that this overlaps with other children of difference. I think this is where we all can connect, Alopecia or not. Children of difference deserve the access to education. People deserve love from others, the system, and self. How appropriate to learn about this over pride weekend. As I was boogying my ass off with 900 other bald people to celebrate our difference, my home – the bay area was dancing for all of us as well.
What I found comical:
Killer bees. As I was listening to the medical update about Alopecia Areata- they threw out the term “killer bees”. Honestly, after a late night drive from the bay, an early morning talk on the development of children, and no coffee- I was snoozing. But as soon as one doctor threw out the term “killer bees”, my pupils opened, and there was a giggle in my belly.
“Killer bees” is being used as a term to describe the process of my body attacking my hair follicle- because it has a swarm effect. So I have killer bees in me. Comical, interesting, and I kind of want to be sarcastic about it and say “Really?! WTF? That’s what you got doctors? Killer Bees? Really?
Makes sense, like in Winnie the Pooh- when the bees were attacking, they ran to the mud- us Alopecians run to the poison oak. (Excuse my sarcasm).
Moving on…
What motivated me:
One doctor I really got a lot out of went over all the treatments- although it seemed daunting to sit through, it was extremely informative. My favorite part of his talk was the comparison or Alopecia Areata to the movie Click. He warned the audience to skip the movie, not worth it. But the basic concept of the movie Click was that the main actor fast forwards through all of the bad parts of his life. Leaving him with the feeling that he had not really lived. The doctor made the connection that “we can not fast forward through Alopecia Areata” it might be worth while to explore to deeper meanings of who we truly are in this experience. I got it. There is no fast forwarding through Alopecia Areata.
This made me think a lot about my career. And going to the conference really pointed out to me the lack of psychological services and therapeutic support given to this community. The monetary support is in the medical (makes sense and I am not complaining), but I have to question as mentioned before, how far are we going to go to be pricked and prodded to treat a non-threatening disease when Alopecians are highly aware about day to day interactions. And when is the time we are going to stop pushing the fast forward button on medical treatment and dig a little deeper into the experience of the alopecian on a day-to-day basis?
I loved the conference- but its only once a year. I love my support group meetings- but they are only every other month. Not that I want to walk with “woe with me I have alopecia” everyday- it’s been ten years and there is a point to which we must eventually let go of the grief of hair loss, but we as a community have the ability to share something deeper, to connect our shared humanity with the world. We have the capability to stand for difference and a strong power/ investment into social justice that isn’t being recognized. It’s time to tap into a broader understanding of transformation.
Learning to be the newbie: VIP
This was my first conference. I was VIP (literally had to have that on my name tag) because I was a newbie. It was a bit strange to be the newbie, but to be so old (not age- but 10 years- notches under my belt with Alopecia). A woman at the conference one night asked how I was doing since I was a newbie. I could see the rush of sympathy through her bones. I appreciated her caring, but I felt very fragile. I joked it off with- "Oh I have had it for ten years, I just haven't been to a conference" but there was something in that interaction that made me feel a duality. I was a VIP, but I also felt "fragile" and I didn't like that. But I realize it was good for me to experience. I often hold my head high- because I am the vet of Alopecia- I am bare and I show the world that it's possible. I am the strong one. But to have the VIP newbie tag- really humbled me. It really allowed myself to say: "why do you have to be strong all the time Heather? And why can't you accept someone asking "how are you?" So I was VIP and now on further reflection, damn it felt good.
So specialness, last but not least. The more I think about it, I had a hard time being just another bald head in the sea of Alopecians at the conference. I often pride myself on the choice I have made to not wear a wig or hat. I am confident to confront conversation, answer questions, and radiate Alopecia. But I realized how far I need to go with true acceptance of me myself and I. Me as radiant and not my bald head (my bald head is sexy- don't get me wrong but that's not the full package). This is where India Arie's "I am not my hair" interplays.
All of the sudden I found my self going from being bare as my specialness, it's what gets me into conversation with people, sometimes accesses me to resources I feel I would not have, etc. But once I walked into that hotel for the conference. I was scared- I had a momentary panic of "my specialness is gone. I am like everybody else". This scared me to realize I ride so much confidence of myself on Alopecia. And after I left the conference I have to admit, I had a little fear in me. What if my hair grew back? How would I be special? Once I get on one of these existential life lessons, I am not one to easily drop it. I realize that this is something I really want to hone in on. I want to believe that my specialness lies within my self (persona, laugh, charisma, etc), and not so readily rely on my defining of Alopecia to define who I am. As the weekend went on, I realized the connections I made really were powerful and based off of something so much greater than my insecurities. I realize the importance for that conference and I hope to continue to go because it pointed out that my specialness lies so much deeper than to have hair or not. But me. We all have the specialness in us and it's important to be spot checked on it from time to time.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Shine on into me.
Vocation come to me throughout the day and into the night. Vocation lean into me, breathe into me. Whole bodied I want to carry my vocation like a swaddled baby soon only to hold its hand and see it grow into something magnificent. Carry me through in the blank times when I might forget the road. Remember the essence, the spirit of my art, my being that nourishes me. Allow myself to be in the process with eyes wide open whether alone or with others. Allow applause, remember achievements, and think of all the possibilities ahead.
Today as I stumbled around my apartment for an hour, I realized I was avoiding something. In the coming month there will be an art show through my program. As eager as I am to help organize the event, I realized- entering in pieces- oh gosh where will this come from. So as this morning began I said- "alright paint- paint.... ohh Colbert Report is on- sweet!".... an hour later..."okay paint time... ohhh the Doctors and they are talking about all you need to know about a man- I'm in"... an hour later.
"Crap- paint."
I walked around in a few more circles and I realized- hmm what am I so scared/lazy about?
I made my way to my easel downstairs with a bucket of water. I took a photograph that I took in high school. It was an isolated form image of a canvas tarp from the side of the road in Mendocino. This photograph was the first image I ever shot, developed, and printed. It is a source of accomplishment- and hopefully a tool of inspiration to paint this afternoon. I stood there, obviously painters block, and started looking at this first image I created. I started thinking about first times. (I know what your thinking.) But first times and having the knowledge to be authentic to an experience- and to gracefully carry through 'you'.
Let me continue... Recently, let's say, a mentor figure stated to me "although you may have been hurt or not taught the skills to stand up for the situation, you managed to own grace and love and come through with an unlearned skill set. Where do you think that it is from- if not from an external teacher?" She was unspeakably implying that, it came from within.
There are too many times I look for skills to become embedded from outside of myself, without recognizing those I bring to the table myself. Values, skills, and love that I too often forget I own and radiate and fill others with. I realized that I would like remember to radiate some of that love back on myself. # 1) I would like to inspire myself today.
I kept looking at that photograph and I began to sketch, I pulled out the palette knife and started spreading paint across the canvas. I made ridges and movement. I kept repeating those mentor words, "where do you think this came from?" And I was able to answer "Me".
Today was a self love radiance moment.
I stood back and said "yes- it's me."
Today as I stumbled around my apartment for an hour, I realized I was avoiding something. In the coming month there will be an art show through my program. As eager as I am to help organize the event, I realized- entering in pieces- oh gosh where will this come from. So as this morning began I said- "alright paint- paint.... ohh Colbert Report is on- sweet!".... an hour later..."okay paint time... ohhh the Doctors and they are talking about all you need to know about a man- I'm in"... an hour later.
"Crap- paint."
I walked around in a few more circles and I realized- hmm what am I so scared/lazy about?
I made my way to my easel downstairs with a bucket of water. I took a photograph that I took in high school. It was an isolated form image of a canvas tarp from the side of the road in Mendocino. This photograph was the first image I ever shot, developed, and printed. It is a source of accomplishment- and hopefully a tool of inspiration to paint this afternoon. I stood there, obviously painters block, and started looking at this first image I created. I started thinking about first times. (I know what your thinking.) But first times and having the knowledge to be authentic to an experience- and to gracefully carry through 'you'.
Let me continue... Recently, let's say, a mentor figure stated to me "although you may have been hurt or not taught the skills to stand up for the situation, you managed to own grace and love and come through with an unlearned skill set. Where do you think that it is from- if not from an external teacher?" She was unspeakably implying that, it came from within.
There are too many times I look for skills to become embedded from outside of myself, without recognizing those I bring to the table myself. Values, skills, and love that I too often forget I own and radiate and fill others with. I realized that I would like remember to radiate some of that love back on myself. # 1) I would like to inspire myself today.
I kept looking at that photograph and I began to sketch, I pulled out the palette knife and started spreading paint across the canvas. I made ridges and movement. I kept repeating those mentor words, "where do you think this came from?" And I was able to answer "Me".
Today was a self love radiance moment.
I stood back and said "yes- it's me."
Thursday, June 16, 2011
New life and changes
My best friend's baby was born today. Now she has two healthy sons. What a miracle.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."- Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Realizing You Got the Power.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_j0vcc70Ig
If we just got together and said "what's happening?" Think of this world.
If we just got together and said "what's happening?" Think of this world.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter Reflections: Rebirth you bet I believe in rebirth.
Growing up in the Presbyterian church, I was very familiar with Christian holidays. Easter has the narrative about rebirth, renewal, and new life. I love Easter. I loved Christmas, but Easter was magical for me. Christmas was special, but Easter, it was different. Easter was so much more because the Easter bunny hid all of these magical candies around our orchard and it was my job to find them. It was so active and imaginative. And the process of waking up in my 90's nightgown and squealing at the sight of bright pink eggs in the yard, made my heart sing. Long story short I love Easter for it's nostalgic memories it always highlights in me.
Easter now means so much more to me. When I hear the hot terms of renewal and new life, my heart soars. Yes, I have ties to Christian Ideology and remembering youth. But when I hear rebirth, I am reminded of when I chose life and regrowth of self, over depression and lack of self confidence. Easter reminds me of when I chose to live. As my ten years passed with Alopecia and a second semester with grad school finishes, my theme for year 10 definitely seems to be "gaining".
For 10 years I have mourned over my hair, I have tossed and turned over what would be differently if I just had my hair. It was loss, it was trauma, and I was grieving. But as this 10 year passed, I realized I didn't need to cry for my loss. I realized I wanted to acknowledge the gains I had in my life. I wanted to push my self to new heights to realize that this doesn't have to be about overcoming grief the rest of my life but about celebrating in the grace of gaining.
I realized that I could remember my struggle, but it could also be about celebrating life. Celebrating a new story and all of the gains I have had in my life (from friendships to travel to accomplishments). My friend, Cynthia, dear sister and wine tasting partner suggested to me, that this year, maybe I start thinking about my anniversary more about the things that have come in my life for the better since I lost my hair. I then had a professor pull me aside and tell me, "I see your going through the theme of loss in your work [an art book about human sexuality and what that means to me], I see where you may be or was, but maybe it's time to think about the ways you can find gains in your life, because you deserve that." With my friend, professor, and my housemate encouraging us to go skiing over my anniversary weekend (which was definitely a new experience for me), It has been a transformation in my thinking that my hair-"loss" is just an add on to a word, that may come and go, but doesn't have to keep me suffering in grief.
On my tenth anniversary weekend, I sat up at the ski lodge with a bruise on my butt and a beer in hand after my lesson feeling frustrated that I could not get skiing right away, but realizing the accomplishment for pushing myself (and having my friend Stephanie encourage me) to try something new, when deep down I was a little too scared to try a new gaining experience. I expanded my possibilities that things are so much grander than grief. Maybe it was the wind chill from the mountain or a buzz from the beer or a transforming moment, but I left feeling "yes I tried it and that's a big step"- I gained.
So when we talk about Easter. Yeah, I am joyful and thankful for the reminder that I chose to gain life. Renewal- new life- let's talk because I am ready to gain a great new experience. That is what Easter means to me.
Easter now means so much more to me. When I hear the hot terms of renewal and new life, my heart soars. Yes, I have ties to Christian Ideology and remembering youth. But when I hear rebirth, I am reminded of when I chose life and regrowth of self, over depression and lack of self confidence. Easter reminds me of when I chose to live. As my ten years passed with Alopecia and a second semester with grad school finishes, my theme for year 10 definitely seems to be "gaining".
For 10 years I have mourned over my hair, I have tossed and turned over what would be differently if I just had my hair. It was loss, it was trauma, and I was grieving. But as this 10 year passed, I realized I didn't need to cry for my loss. I realized I wanted to acknowledge the gains I had in my life. I wanted to push my self to new heights to realize that this doesn't have to be about overcoming grief the rest of my life but about celebrating in the grace of gaining.
I realized that I could remember my struggle, but it could also be about celebrating life. Celebrating a new story and all of the gains I have had in my life (from friendships to travel to accomplishments). My friend, Cynthia, dear sister and wine tasting partner suggested to me, that this year, maybe I start thinking about my anniversary more about the things that have come in my life for the better since I lost my hair. I then had a professor pull me aside and tell me, "I see your going through the theme of loss in your work [an art book about human sexuality and what that means to me], I see where you may be or was, but maybe it's time to think about the ways you can find gains in your life, because you deserve that." With my friend, professor, and my housemate encouraging us to go skiing over my anniversary weekend (which was definitely a new experience for me), It has been a transformation in my thinking that my hair-"loss" is just an add on to a word, that may come and go, but doesn't have to keep me suffering in grief.
On my tenth anniversary weekend, I sat up at the ski lodge with a bruise on my butt and a beer in hand after my lesson feeling frustrated that I could not get skiing right away, but realizing the accomplishment for pushing myself (and having my friend Stephanie encourage me) to try something new, when deep down I was a little too scared to try a new gaining experience. I expanded my possibilities that things are so much grander than grief. Maybe it was the wind chill from the mountain or a buzz from the beer or a transforming moment, but I left feeling "yes I tried it and that's a big step"- I gained.
So when we talk about Easter. Yeah, I am joyful and thankful for the reminder that I chose to gain life. Renewal- new life- let's talk because I am ready to gain a great new experience. That is what Easter means to me.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Self Disclosure
Self disclosure and Alopecia and being a therapist. To tell the story or not to. Our class the other evening was about self disclosure as a therapist and it got me to thinking about how I self disclose and how much. I easily self disclose, and I realize that I want to be an advocate for change by using personal narrative but is it "change for community"? Or is it a need to voice who I am- to prove my "existence" and presence? As a future therapist I want to make sure I find appropriate self care as well as outlets to share my story. Tying in my story/ self disclosing with clients only when see fit that would benefit the clients work/ treatment. I have to remember that, I could see how easy it would be to have the client's story personally relate with yours- and want to shout excitedly back "oh me too! me too. I know how you feel!" But understanding and allowing the person to be in the room with what they are going through can be a beautiful process, sight, and testimony to mental/ emotional healing.
I have been thinking about thesis work as well. I have the words: Alopecia and art therapy bouncing in my head. I was discussing with my counselor about my concern for writing a thesis around Alopecia, would be A) Personal bias and B) Is it a need to do this to figure out something on my journey of healing? Or is this something of research towards change to affect positively on my community? And I guess the fact I am aware of personal bias in this is a good thing. But I want to remember if I write and research on Alopecia, find the personal meaning to it, cherish it- but don't let my personal journey of hair loss stop the possibility to help awareness, to change the system- that needs to be changed especially when it comes to medical care costs and Alopecia Areata.
Thirdly, I watched The King's Speech last night. AMAZING! I see why it won awards. It was so much more than a man with a speech impediment it was about something everyone must find: their voice. I loved it- I recommend it.
I have been thinking about thesis work as well. I have the words: Alopecia and art therapy bouncing in my head. I was discussing with my counselor about my concern for writing a thesis around Alopecia, would be A) Personal bias and B) Is it a need to do this to figure out something on my journey of healing? Or is this something of research towards change to affect positively on my community? And I guess the fact I am aware of personal bias in this is a good thing. But I want to remember if I write and research on Alopecia, find the personal meaning to it, cherish it- but don't let my personal journey of hair loss stop the possibility to help awareness, to change the system- that needs to be changed especially when it comes to medical care costs and Alopecia Areata.
Thirdly, I watched The King's Speech last night. AMAZING! I see why it won awards. It was so much more than a man with a speech impediment it was about something everyone must find: their voice. I loved it- I recommend it.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wait for something better, wait for it Heather
Lyrics by Killers: This is your life....
"Wait for something better
No one behind you
Watching your shadows
You gotta be stronger than the story
Don't let it blind you
Rivers of shadow
This feeling wont go
And the sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have a simple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better
This feeling won't go
Wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it "
As I look up from my computer I look at my poster of Glide's Terms of Faith and Resistance...
1) Gain control over my life
2) Tell the World my Story
3) Stop lying
4) Be honest with myself
5) Accept who I am
6) Feel my real feelings
7) Feel my pain
8) Forgive myself
9) Practice rebirth: A new life
10) Live my spirituality
11) Support and love my brothers and sisters
How important it is to remember these things. As I was driving home from school, I listened to the Killers, "This is my life". And wow- WOW. "Wait for it [Heather] wait for it....You gotta be stronger than the story-Don't let it blind you." Ten years now passed with my hair loss and I look into these terms of faith and resistance and I realize how much I was tested/ I tested myself even in this past year. Ten Years and cheers to new beginnings, to letting the old go. I don't want to forget a thing about these past ten years and in that I want to remember those 11 things above. I realize that not only do I hold cultural judgments and ideologies of hair loss from society, but I have a negative self talk about my role in society. I realize that I hold a personal responsibility to break the story of stereotypes. I have to be stronger than the story. I have dreams, goals, and big ideas for something better for my community. For a while (off and on) I got/get caught up with "I am a bald woman" and "What's the bald woman to do". But I think my professor wrote it just right "you are learning how to transition from Heather the bald woman to Heather becoming Heather that also has hair loss." So many people have told me that prior to this but I feel like I am just hitting the tip of the ice berg of Heather standing in Heather's shoes not Heather as the bald woman.
On my facebook, I set my status as "10 years, we've come a long way baby" It's funny to think I set my tone of 10 years of hair loss as a milestone, a golden mark, a set sail to new adventures, since for so long it was a death, a long cold winter, slowly showing bits and pieces of the spring. It is a steady relationship pushing me, sculpting me to try to have better confidence, self understanding, and self love. Let's celebrate in all trials and triumphs, today is a day to celebrate and to say Practice Rebirth: A New Life.
Let's bring change, let's take responsibility over life, let's be stronger than the story and look forward dancing. Get ready world here comes Heather.
"Wait for something better
No one behind you
Watching your shadows
You gotta be stronger than the story
Don't let it blind you
Rivers of shadow
This feeling wont go
And the sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have a simple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better
This feeling won't go
Wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it "
As I look up from my computer I look at my poster of Glide's Terms of Faith and Resistance...
1) Gain control over my life
2) Tell the World my Story
3) Stop lying
4) Be honest with myself
5) Accept who I am
6) Feel my real feelings
7) Feel my pain
8) Forgive myself
9) Practice rebirth: A new life
10) Live my spirituality
11) Support and love my brothers and sisters
How important it is to remember these things. As I was driving home from school, I listened to the Killers, "This is my life". And wow- WOW. "Wait for it [Heather] wait for it....You gotta be stronger than the story-Don't let it blind you." Ten years now passed with my hair loss and I look into these terms of faith and resistance and I realize how much I was tested/ I tested myself even in this past year. Ten Years and cheers to new beginnings, to letting the old go. I don't want to forget a thing about these past ten years and in that I want to remember those 11 things above. I realize that not only do I hold cultural judgments and ideologies of hair loss from society, but I have a negative self talk about my role in society. I realize that I hold a personal responsibility to break the story of stereotypes. I have to be stronger than the story. I have dreams, goals, and big ideas for something better for my community. For a while (off and on) I got/get caught up with "I am a bald woman" and "What's the bald woman to do". But I think my professor wrote it just right "you are learning how to transition from Heather the bald woman to Heather becoming Heather that also has hair loss." So many people have told me that prior to this but I feel like I am just hitting the tip of the ice berg of Heather standing in Heather's shoes not Heather as the bald woman.
On my facebook, I set my status as "10 years, we've come a long way baby" It's funny to think I set my tone of 10 years of hair loss as a milestone, a golden mark, a set sail to new adventures, since for so long it was a death, a long cold winter, slowly showing bits and pieces of the spring. It is a steady relationship pushing me, sculpting me to try to have better confidence, self understanding, and self love. Let's celebrate in all trials and triumphs, today is a day to celebrate and to say Practice Rebirth: A New Life.
Let's bring change, let's take responsibility over life, let's be stronger than the story and look forward dancing. Get ready world here comes Heather.
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