Growing up in the Presbyterian church, I was very familiar with Christian holidays. Easter has the narrative about rebirth, renewal, and new life. I love Easter. I loved Christmas, but Easter was magical for me. Christmas was special, but Easter, it was different. Easter was so much more because the Easter bunny hid all of these magical candies around our orchard and it was my job to find them. It was so active and imaginative. And the process of waking up in my 90's nightgown and squealing at the sight of bright pink eggs in the yard, made my heart sing. Long story short I love Easter for it's nostalgic memories it always highlights in me.
Easter now means so much more to me. When I hear the hot terms of renewal and new life, my heart soars. Yes, I have ties to Christian Ideology and remembering youth. But when I hear rebirth, I am reminded of when I chose life and regrowth of self, over depression and lack of self confidence. Easter reminds me of when I chose to live. As my ten years passed with Alopecia and a second semester with grad school finishes, my theme for year 10 definitely seems to be "gaining".
For 10 years I have mourned over my hair, I have tossed and turned over what would be differently if I just had my hair. It was loss, it was trauma, and I was grieving. But as this 10 year passed, I realized I didn't need to cry for my loss. I realized I wanted to acknowledge the gains I had in my life. I wanted to push my self to new heights to realize that this doesn't have to be about overcoming grief the rest of my life but about celebrating in the grace of gaining.
I realized that I could remember my struggle, but it could also be about celebrating life. Celebrating a new story and all of the gains I have had in my life (from friendships to travel to accomplishments). My friend, Cynthia, dear sister and wine tasting partner suggested to me, that this year, maybe I start thinking about my anniversary more about the things that have come in my life for the better since I lost my hair. I then had a professor pull me aside and tell me, "I see your going through the theme of loss in your work [an art book about human sexuality and what that means to me], I see where you may be or was, but maybe it's time to think about the ways you can find gains in your life, because you deserve that." With my friend, professor, and my housemate encouraging us to go skiing over my anniversary weekend (which was definitely a new experience for me), It has been a transformation in my thinking that my hair-"loss" is just an add on to a word, that may come and go, but doesn't have to keep me suffering in grief.
On my tenth anniversary weekend, I sat up at the ski lodge with a bruise on my butt and a beer in hand after my lesson feeling frustrated that I could not get skiing right away, but realizing the accomplishment for pushing myself (and having my friend Stephanie encourage me) to try something new, when deep down I was a little too scared to try a new gaining experience. I expanded my possibilities that things are so much grander than grief. Maybe it was the wind chill from the mountain or a buzz from the beer or a transforming moment, but I left feeling "yes I tried it and that's a big step"- I gained.
So when we talk about Easter. Yeah, I am joyful and thankful for the reminder that I chose to gain life. Renewal- new life- let's talk because I am ready to gain a great new experience. That is what Easter means to me.
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