Shine on into me.

Vocation come to me throughout the day and into the night. Vocation lean into me, breathe into me. Whole bodied I want to carry my vocation like a swaddled baby soon only to hold its hand and see it grow into something magnificent. Carry me through in the blank times when I might forget the road. Remember the essence, the spirit of my art, my being that nourishes me. Allow myself to be in the process with eyes wide open whether alone or with others. Allow applause, remember achievements, and think of all the possibilities ahead.

Today as I stumbled around my apartment for an hour, I realized I was avoiding something. In the coming month there will be an art show through my program. As eager as I am to help organize the event, I realized- entering in pieces- oh gosh where will this come from. So as this morning began I said- "alright paint- paint.... ohh Colbert Report is on- sweet!".... an hour later..."okay paint time... ohhh the Doctors and they are talking about all you need to know about a man- I'm in"... an hour later.

"Crap- paint."

I walked around in a few more circles and I realized- hmm what am I so scared/lazy about?

I made my way to my easel downstairs with a bucket of water. I took a photograph that I took in high school. It was an isolated form image of a canvas tarp from the side of the road in Mendocino. This photograph was the first image I ever shot, developed, and printed. It is a source of accomplishment- and hopefully a tool of inspiration to paint this afternoon. I stood there, obviously painters block, and started looking at this first image I created. I started thinking about first times. (I know what your thinking.) But first times and having the knowledge to be authentic to an experience- and to gracefully carry through 'you'.

Let me continue... Recently, let's say, a mentor figure stated to me "although you may have been hurt or not taught the skills to stand up for the situation, you managed to own grace and love and come through with an unlearned skill set. Where do you think that it is from- if not from an external teacher?" She was unspeakably implying that, it came from within.

There are too many times I look for skills to become embedded from outside of myself, without recognizing those I bring to the table myself. Values, skills, and love that I too often forget I own and radiate and fill others with. I realized that I would like remember to radiate some of that love back on myself. # 1) I would like to inspire myself today.

I kept looking at that photograph and I began to sketch, I pulled out the palette knife and started spreading paint across the canvas. I made ridges and movement. I kept repeating those mentor words, "where do you think this came from?" And I was able to answer "Me".

Today was a self love radiance moment.
I stood back and said "yes- it's me."