What a week

Last night an interesting conversation came up at my support group meeting for Alopecia Areata. "Where are the psychological resources for this experience of hair loss". Really interesting input about Alopecian's experiences with psychologists and therapy in general. I was really excited to hear about the resources that the conference has to offer, as well as the every other month support group. But I left feeling- where are the specialists???... and not just in injections and the medical knowledge- but the counselors that someone with Alopecia can go to seek support and a space to be able to say the good, the bad, the light hearted, and the heavy emotions that arise.

I see this notion of a "specialist" in different ways. First, if the counselor/ psychologist does not have Alopecia- how can they at all relate? Secondly, the counselor can act as that refuge from the storm- which I think was closest to what I felt when I first lost my hair.

When I lost my hair- I didn't want to go and be in it. I wasn't ready to be in my community of Alopecia Areata. So I avoided the conference even though it was in San Francisco. I couldn't quite explain it to my peers in fear they would think of it as too scary or depressing. My family was too close to home. And that left me feeling very alone on the foggy coast. Now, I need to note when I say alone, I don't mean "oh woe- I am alone- so depressed- no one understands." I went to different people in my life for different sources of strength. I went to friends to try to retain normalcy at 16 (AKA awkward puberty, pranks and saying "I'm bored" and finding some random place to "go cruising"). I went to family to either try to remain a teen wanting to rebel, or appreciating my home/ farm as a place to express and go bare (bare- not meaning earthy woman gardening topless, bare meaning going bald). I went to my sister for a big sis that would listen to how I felt my baldness affected my relationships. I became close with my sister again after I lost my hair because she gave me a sense that I can preserver through this challenge. I remember my mom saying "this too shall pass- this too shall pass" At the time I thought "yeah fucking right mom- will it- will it?!?! And you know the baldness didn't pass but the insecurity, the loss of hope to rebuild my life, to feel fully human- it passed. This may sound a bit melodramatic- because I have heard from myself and so many others- "it's just hair" But in the long run- it changes you. It's not just hair. It is the experience. This bald experience pushed me to become something I did not know I had the strength to become.

But getting back to the point of therapists... there wasn't a space carved out in my social network or family that I could say, frankly, the fucked up thoughts that went through my head. I went to a counselor, because I had to talk it out in a safe space and I was so lucky that I had a therapist, although she did not have Alopecia, allowed me a safe space to talk, for myself. The fucked up thoughts didn't have to spin in circles in my head, they were out in a room- laid down on a table- and I was able to look at them, go over them, see the power they had over me, and let them go. So not as a hopeful one-day therapist but as an alopecian who had self doubt, who had self hate, and who had a low sense of self confidence- Counseling saved my life, and got me going where I needed to go.

As for the Psychologist Alopecian specialist- it should exist- it needs to exist. But wow think of all of the possibilities to come. When I lost my hair 10 years ago, NAAF seemed smaller. Now look at it. Most importantly the friendships and the support from truely authentic individuals learning how to live like the rest of the world. Learning how to take steps and learning to "just breathe". I hope that with my vocational choice I can carve out a little room, not as a specialist- but as an art therapist to have the tools to give to others to help themselves and give a helping hand to someone else in need. A cyclical process each growing along and within each other. It's getting late- and I think I hit Maya Angelou status in metaphor and motivation with my writing. Here is something to chew over... it Alopecian's, friends of mine, or random encounter onto this space. Keep growing, keep walking, and utilize any resources that are possible for you to grow into, and embrace your beautiful bad ass self.