New job bringing up new/ old insecurities

Baseball hats. Put one on when I first lost my hair- no thank you- not my style I guess. For some reason I feel like the baseball cap is an arrow to my difference. Bald woman walking here. But bare- I guess it's just out there. It's there- I'm bare- and walk on. So this point out of difference (the hat) was a choice I said no to a long time ago- baseball caps are just not my thing.

But now a new job is requiring a baseball cap as part of the uniform. My interview was like a ballet- graceful, smooth, and beautiful. I bagged the job. Then "okay here you go Heather here is your hat you will be wearing" and although this is protocol of the company for all associates- my heart sunk and my pulse rose. Here protocol was getting the best of my avoidance to state the obvious. I am bald.

I left bearing a grin, thankful for the job, but also repeating "Heather you can do this you can do this". I went home and looked in the mirror for a while with my new head wear... and you know not so bad. Maybe it was the braces that I had before that threw my identity, femininity, and girly charm out the window. Or the acknowledgement that the initial hair loss is a form of trauma, a breakdown (maybe minor myabe big- but it changes you) I also realized at that moment how much my face has changed since that first time when wearing a baseball cap. I realized I looked "woman": that has been happening a lot in the past few years... I am bald and I look woman.

After losing my hair I felt I went to unwanted androgyny, and the question "if I lose my hair am I really less of a woman?"

But going back to face changes. It's amazing- still my spark- still my eyes-still my soul shinning through... but my face looks different, I feel a little more ownership of my face, my body. And I don't mean narcissistic looks at beauty in the mirror, but a new exclamation, identification, ownership of my body.

I have to admit it was a bit hard to wear my hat today at a training- because I have built my identity around story telling of my experience to relate to others. Maybe it's time for me, my personality to shine, maybe I don't always have to be the storyteller, or the Jane Goodall elaborating on the behavior of the bald. Maybe it's time for me to just be me, I have it, own it.

I realize that I am tested with this hat, but I also know that I will keep walking- and shine on. Shine on shine on.