"Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."

from my google app

good point good point.

Things I love but I take fore granted

1) Cinnamon
2) Coupons
3) Coin wrappers
4) singing
5) budgeting
6) doing something new everyday
7) Saying "YOU CAN DO IT!" in multiple accents
8) Vince Vaughn- enough said. ;)
9) my ability to make cool things out of crafts for people
10) Knowing when enough is enough.
11) When friends fold paper bags for me.

As I was talking to myself about my burdens.

Carry You
Amy Grant

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child

If I can walk on water
And calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done

And I'm weary watchin'
While you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child

I give vision to the blind
And I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of Hell
And I returned
And I see those sleepless nights
And I count every tear you cry
I know some lessons hurt to learn

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry carry, my child, my child


I will carry you, my child, my child
I will carry you

Time. Feeling Time.

"You Are"

On the dark windy road, I left the Mendocino county line. Eyes drained of energy and singing to my tunes of hope. I sang to Wicked's "defying gravity" Have I seen Wicked? No. But the song- heard- love it. And in my state of emotional exhaustion yet relief to be leaving the darkness behind- I sang at the top of my lungs- hoping that some relief- some spiritual core in me would stir and my eyes would be clear. My eyes- didn't clear- after about the third round of Defying gravity and the lyrics "and you won't bring me down"- I realized: What I am wanting is the humaness of another to say: Heather "you are".

In biblical text: "I am" is prevolent. I won't kid you I have no I idea where in bible this is, but through out my life I had heard "i am" in the connection of recognizing God. The spirit. And I realized in my eye redened state and over dose of emotions. That "I am" is about recognition. And in everyone's life- they each deserve the right to say "I am". And for community to work- family to work- there needs to be a balance of "I am" with "you are". I hope to recognized this balance in each of my relationships whether family, friend, work, romantic, etc.

Defying gravity of recognition- defying recognition of difference and the ability and confidence to say: "You are".

When getting home from my stuff I had to do... I settled in with a cup of tea to find a quote on the end with "you are" in it. Funny how life works that way. Thanks Twinlings, or whatever tea company for being intune- and hitting it right on the nail.

You are.
Recognition.

Like Tumbleweeds they keep going

In recent news, Glide Church was featured in an article and there was much debate of intentionality of the Glide way. And being present there just over the past few months I see how far Glide has help me push through barriers that I held for myself to hide behind. Glide pushed me to build the confidence that I was just too scared to show and that I already possessed. It is a space for questions, when we need it the most: in times when we think that we are alright- there is a strive to keep diving inward. Glide brings out the "you are" that one always had but was not in an accepting or comfortable environment to all for expression. For examply, everytime I stunt myself at Glide- because I am too scared to get to "work" (emotional or physical) it gets pushed back on me with the "try again" button. And it is my confidence that is built and hope that I can strive for something better- this is what Glide gives me and many I feel. I was disappointed that the article refered to Cecil Williams as a "poverty pimp". I feel that this is a misjudge of character- and I am sure that the congregation was more upset by this misinterpretation of CW than himself.

But I think there is an important silver lining in this story. There is still work to be done. And that article and the comments that followed are the work that needs to be done towards social justice. A few posts ago- I wrote about an experience on a sunday when a man suggested he was horny over my bald head. I wrote about the violation that took place, and I realized that that was an example of the work yet to be done. And without that blatent example of sexual violation and inappropriate behavior where would we b- complaining about invisible issues- and that would be no good. So if their is going to be violations and injustices against women, lessening poverty, whatever the example is... Let's get it on the table- out in the day light. Bring everyone to the welcome table as Glide speaks of. What I admire the most about Glide is their Speakout programs on Wednesday nights... It is a chance to tell the truth. And in all honesty- a lot of the time the truth- is people saying Cecil and Janice- I don't like this- and here is my honesty. And they are heard. So if all of the comments from sfgate.com would like to come to Glide on a wednesday night- they would be appreciated and loved. Because the truth will set you free.

Yes, I am a Glidian Advocate. And I support the work of no hiding, I support the process of recovery in people and especially in my self. We all have a story to tell and it can be honored and heard all at one community table. And we can change.

Things to write about:
"You are"
and
Not being affraid of what has become.

Older email to friends- but present of the work needing to be done, and the memory of a boy.

Dear wonderful friends and family,

It's unusual for me to pass along a mass email, unless it is a
frantically hyper update from my life, but this I found too close to
home to not discuss. Below is an email I received from the Alopecia
Areata support group network about a recent shooting of a teenager
with Alopecia Areata. Speculation has it that there was teasing about
his hairloss and he was standing up for himself before he was killed.

How do I even begin to describe what I feel about this young man's lost life?

A) I first resort to fear and deep sadness that this was a boy
verbally and finally attacked for a disease that is uncontrollable.
The disease I have. Does this mean I need to hide from the world, no.
But a chill went down my back when I, for the first time, in almost 8
years with Alopecia Areata, have heard the words "Alopecia Areata" and
"death" in the same sentence.

I spoke in my social psychology class of Death and Dying about the
connection of Alopecia Areata and loss, in the terms of the process of
grief, which I feel that I have experienced strongly, but now to
encounter a mirror in which my own mortality may be threatened because
of my difference, ohhh HELLLLLL NOOOO.... as in the great words by my
campers and catch phrases often used by my HFH family in NY this is
certainly a "beastin" situation and 100% "mad whack".

B) I felt dissappointed, because there is a larger point needing to be
addressed. This has been happening throughout time with ethnic
communities, religions, sexual identities, dissabilities, and classes.
The list continues, we as people are faced with struggle and the
noting of difference in some way. There has been violence against our
differences for too long. For example in recent events to list only a
few: the struggle to ban same sex marriages, racial stereotyping in
media, and hate groups that exist today. I am scared that I have been
blinded until it hit home for me. Are we only awakened to hate crimes
and violence, when it jeopordizes ourselves? I don't want to be like
that, I want to be an advocate for change, and most importantly hope
that there is something better out there for me than a stake in the
physicality of hair to prove my worth as a woman.

Lets broaden the spectrum and change the "me" mantra into a "we"
progression towards compassion and equality for our nation, and for
the planet filled with roaming differences.

C) I am frustrated and feel deflated by this, I am keeping face about
it because somewhere in the core of my belly I know I need to keep
walking: to keep wishing for a better day in which, not just the
Alopecia Areata community can identify there difference and go on
confidently living because of their uniqueness, but other groups as
well struggling with issues of personal/ public idenitity.

Old News- But is present in contemporary climate- Needing Change

Tragic news came out of Knoxville, Tennessee, on Thursday, August 20,
2008, when 15-year-old Ryan McDonald was fatally shot by a fellow
student. Ryan had alopecia areata since age 3 and the motive for the
incident appeared to be strongly related to bullying and teasing over
the fact that Ryan was hairless and stood out as different.

The high school had been trying to crack down on fights and unruly
behavior amidst an atmosphere that was "a culture that lacked
discipline." Ryan was raised under tough circumstances and he was
described by those close to him as a "kindhearted kid", "always
happy", but with a tough exterior that compelled him to stand his
ground and handle himself verbally when teased or bullied - it was
pointed out that Ryan had been endlessly teased. He was
confrontational and had a chip on his shoulder – probably, not unlike
many of his fellow students and friends. However, violence of this
sort is never expected and this incident has sent shock waves through
his local community as well as the community of those of us who deal
with alopecia areata.

A remark by a classmate summed up much of the emotion, "I didn't know
him but I feel like I lost my best friend." Her world was violated.
Her sense of what is fair and just was turned around by a single
event. Her own security was threatened and the loss could have just
as easily involved her or a close friend. It points out how fragile
life is and how fragile our way-of-life can be - and, how deep this
hits home for many of us. For me, it brings back isolated feelings of
my adolescence and being singled out as different. It was a time of
not having an understanding of myself with alopecia areata and not
having the tools to deal with it. It also brings to mind all the many
children I have known with alopecia areata and how important it is to
me that they have every opportunity to achieve full potential.

What could have been done differently? There are no set formulas. We
deal with life circumstances in a variety of ways and all of them are
valid and all of them should lead to responsible emotions and actions.
All of us have tested the boundaries of teasing and bullying. Most
of us learned quickly that some light-hearted teasing is normal and
part of life. More importantly, we learned that being a bully crosses
the line and is not acceptable behavior. Awareness of the problem is
essential along with timely and thoughtful intervention.

How do we monitor? Be open with your child and give them the space to
respond and talk things over with you. Be observant of their
behavior, especially while interacting with friends. Be aware of
signs that might indicate bullying or other problems. A child may
become withdrawn or depressed. Social activities may be avoided if a
child feels threatened. School work and the ability to concentrate
often take a turn for the worse as a child becomes preoccupied with
insecurities. We need to not only be aware of the victims of bullying
but to be extra aware of someone who might be a bully. Besides those
things listed above, a bully is often defiant, has a difficult time
forming positive relationships, and manifests abusive tendencies.

What can we do? Again, there is no formula. First, be certain to set
a good example as a role model. Next, it takes both a watchful eye
and the capability to stand back and allow our kids to mature through
their own life experiences and develop self-esteem and maturity.

Where do we draw the line? As mentioned, everyone teases now and then
and good-natured teasing usually involves humor and a comfort level
with the person being teased. It ceases to be funny if the teasing is
persistent or is presented with a threatening or demeaning attitude.
A bully's weapons are verbal, psychological, and physical. Be aware
that boys usually bully in a different way than girls. Boys tend to
be confrontational in verbal and physical ways directly with the
victim. Girls tend to talk indirectly "bad mouth" and exclude the
victim from the group. Bullying tends to exhibit power and control.
Note that the perpetrator may also be under the stress of being
bullied by other kids or adults.

How do we protect our kids? We need to handle situations with
age-appropriate communication in order to guide both bully and victim
to a better understanding of themselves and others. Children need to
be aware that they have capabilities to deal with teasing and bullying
but that it is okay to seek the help of friends, parents, and other
trusted authority figures. We also must realize that children may not
know how to ask for help. Even when a child is going through a
critical situation and an adult tries to intervene, the child may find
it very uncomfortable to be open and choose to deny an experience or
concern. Overall, a child is better off to widen their circle of
support through caring friends and adults. The overwhelming goals for
both bully and victim is to come to a better understanding of
relationships, to learn skills of conflict resolution, and to improve
on techniques to problem-solve their own issues and relationships.

Many schools have resources within the district to effectively
confront and resolve these issues by encouraging a climate of respect
for self, for others, and for diversity. If you recognize a problem
and you are not receiving satisfactory results, be sure to broaden
your scope for seeking help from parents, teachers, and other
resources. The National Alopecia Areata Foundation is an excellent
resource for information specific to helping parents work with schools
in order to educate and provide students with straightforward
information about alopecia areata. Timely action often diffuses
problems before they get out of hand. Much more general information
is readily available and easy to find on the internet with regards to
teasing and bullying.

http://www.naaf.org/index.html National Alopecia Areata
Foundation – NAAF