Life... seems to be about going back to the drawing board.

Overcoming our fears

Last week, I was at open mic for my work and yet again I left feeling rejuvenated. When I went to the open mic I asked a woman if anyone was sittng next to her, she said go ahead, then I sat down and the woman sitting on the other side of the empty seat said "no no I don't want to sit next to you!"

Alright- yes she could have wanted an empty seat next to her, and the excuses can go on, for why she didn't want to sit next to me. But in all honesty- let's cut through the B.S.- She didn't want to sit next to me because I am a bald woman, an abnormal site.
Yes it is hard to say- she wasn't comfortable with me because of my hair loss. But let's be honesty- let's not put on a pretty face to a reality. That was how it was.

This has happened before, similar situations, before I was devastated- I wanted to be in bed for a week, I felt terrified of the public and what people thought of me. I felt like a monster that should be caged- a freak show that make people just too uncomfortable.

But this time it was different. For once- the depression didn't set in, the anxiety and fear of my monster identity, never came. And I was okay. I asked her if she would like me to move- she said no that's okay I will. She got up and moved. And a clear understanding of "she feels uncomfortable, she is the one who misunderstands, she can take care of her self" I realized it is her insecurity and uncomfortableness that she needs to deal with. I am here, I am not going to change, and I have to say "I am okay with who I am- in fact I have love for myself, my integrity, and my identity- socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

And all of the sudden, it was such a real moment- the honesty was at an all time high- and I was okay. I survived and I didn't need to hide from the world, and put away who I was in order to accompany people's misunderstandings. I didn't need to cry about it- and it felt so good. It was real.

Feeling it coming back.

As singing at the top of my lungs on the twisting turning road into the darkness. I felt a need to say- stay. Because my spirit was filled and I wanted it to stay. I told it not to leave. Stay. Stay spirit stay.

Motherhood and Protection

Motherhood

This past week and weekend I realized something- I want to be a mother. And when I say mother- sure biological clock ticking. Tick tick tick. Umm let's maybe give that sometime. But I am talking about Mother in a greater way. I was babysitting, and I realized it is so important I think for anyone to be able to be a mother to something, to nurture and to support a growth process.

I have been thinking this especially in my gardening I am starting to get into. I had some tomatoes growing and although they were smaller then an eyeball, I grew them, and it was so neat to have ownership in that one bite tomato salad I was able to produce from my labor.

I think it is good to grow something, even if it is a spiritual sense. I have been wanting to be a mother lately in this sense of to nurture and grow something, whether it is a program at my work, work on my spirit, or have tiny tomatoes, it feels satisfying to know that I did that. Just like a little kindergartener looking at her work in the hall way, feeling accomplished. I did that. I did that. I did that.

Protection

I have been feeling a little stunted, speaking of growing. Those who love me want to protect me, from words others say about my hairloss. But in the long run, I am one who has to cope with awkward, maybe offensive statements. I realize that I am at this point that others love me so much, they see me as that child you need to protect and not let fall. I realize that yes for some odd reason, these bald cards is the hand I have been dealt. So let me play my cards, let me have moves (words) against me come, because in some weird way, I want to build the protection, awareness, and my need for safety in times of danger to be activated. I need to know when too much is too much from words of offense. And I need to stand up for myself, and not let others do that for me. My friends and family love me, and never want to see me hurt, but I need to fall in order to learn how to get back up and keep moving. My bareness will be a protection, and knowledge is power. And I will seek safety from those who love me when it is the right time.

Grief and a Woman's Voice

Yesterday was a big day for me. I facilitated a group on grief and loss at work. And I admit I was nervous, that the words may not come to help lead, that no one or too many would show up and I would not know how to handle it. But in all honesty it was great. I feel it wasn't anything jumping for joy monumentum moment but it really allowed me to see what I can do to create great things for a community. As I was thumbing through a book on grief, the back had resources and showed that you could get a certificate in grief counseling. And I was like ahh ha what a great experience, but I want more tools. And I realized with everything in life, you have to start somewhere and you don't know what wildfires of social change one can create, by just saying I tried.

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In the early morning I had an interesting experience. Yet another comment about Alopecia. As I was getting ready for service. I had a man sit next to me and he stated "what the hell happened to you?" obviously, commenting on my hairloss. But I've gotten worse, so did my speal. He said "wow I am inappropriate" and I said "yes, but have gotten worse." He said I was beautiful and then it got weird. He leaned over and said "it makes me kind of horny". My jaw dropped and at that moment I knew this man wasn't all there. I stopped in my tracks and turned back to my reading, feeling violated and curious of what to say. I should of said- that is inappropriate and said no. But instead I turned away. I wish I had, but also- I did what I needed to do to feel safe. It is a violation of women to say sexually explicit words to a stranger and I no longer want to just turn away. It is a violation to make a woman to be a sexual object, something to be looked at and ignored of her voice, identity, and power she owns. It was a violation and it was an add to rape culture that exists in this world.

But I am a person that likes to find the hope in a story and here is what I think. I thank that man that he was blunt and it was a visual, literal example of all the work that still needs to be done. Sometimes I think what is my work? why do I want to do social work? And is it just silly to be voicing and dedicating time to things that may not get that high salary, or stability of a 401k? But I realized that my heart is in people. And seeing that man made visual evidence that these problems still exist and I don't want to ever give up on myself, my dreams, my work because of safety nets.

There is famous quotes that say "I will not rest until...." I felt that today. That I believe in social Justice and I had a reminder and a security found is in the Spirit for me. It encourages me and it gives me confidence to protect me from words of violence, cycles of violence, and words I can not control.

I realized you really can not control the things others say, but you can use that as evidence and power to push an end to that violence caused. I wish i had told that man he was being inappropriate but what is done is done and I hope to use that as power to move on, push ahead, and help with causes of social justice.

we shall overcome.