Friday, April 13, 2012
I just realized one of my pet peeves. Canceling on people. I hate it. I have a weekend cleared which is good for thesis, catch up on rest and rejuvenation, and get over this little tickle in my throat but ughh ughhh so arduous for me. I know that some times canceling is needed but it annoys me a lot. I don't mind getting canceled on but I hate when I have to cancel. Hmm...
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Finding Allies and the mirror Within
Today I realize the term "Ally"
Ally: to unite or form a connection or relation with another.
Thesis: A process of self doubt, constantly. Somewhere there is a flashing light that tells me to keep doing this. There is purpose and shine, shine, shine. But damn, why is it such a demanding, frustrating, intense experience? All week, I have been struggling with the sense of "I am the one writing this and I have to do it" and "what if no one cares?" What if this is all for myself? A support said, "well what if your research only benefits yourself? Innately, it is your nature to give back and to be concerned with the other, but what would it look like if your research only helped you? Would it be all bad?"
And I realize of course not. All of the sudden I thought of the meaning of passengers on plane in an emergency (dramatic as it is, but stay with me). Before a parent helps a child, they must put on their own oxygen mask. You can only help others, when you have fed oxygen to yourself.
I think of this thesis process as a challenge, maybe not quite an emergency per say, but it is a journey that is important to feed yourself. And at the end of the day I was fed, I was nourished to keep walking into my vocation and life, thus giving the energy to give in healthy ways.
Ally: are the people and the supports that really have and are reminding me to feed myself. Every week I run into class, high on caffeine and pressured that I didn't print three copies of my writing that I haven't done yet but was suppose to. I enter class and I see faces of everyone having the same face and the scent of coffee coming from my co-students. I take a deep breathe and realize that thesis is hard but by allies we can make it through. My classmates and I are on our way to make something really wonderful, out of all these ideas that will benefit self, the art therapy profession, and clients.
Ally: the people that tell me, "Great, your growing, but are you caring for yourself in the process?"
It's one thing to have people remind oneself to ask the tough questions and to reflect internally, but another to say- take care on the process. Find the ally residing inside of you. Don't be afraid to ask for help and admit that sometimes you need others to help you through. I want to ask the tough questions and I am ready to continue my journey without forgetting my tool of the mirror within, reminding myself all will be alright. All will be wonderful.
Ally: to unite or form a connection or relation with another.
Thesis: A process of self doubt, constantly. Somewhere there is a flashing light that tells me to keep doing this. There is purpose and shine, shine, shine. But damn, why is it such a demanding, frustrating, intense experience? All week, I have been struggling with the sense of "I am the one writing this and I have to do it" and "what if no one cares?" What if this is all for myself? A support said, "well what if your research only benefits yourself? Innately, it is your nature to give back and to be concerned with the other, but what would it look like if your research only helped you? Would it be all bad?"
And I realize of course not. All of the sudden I thought of the meaning of passengers on plane in an emergency (dramatic as it is, but stay with me). Before a parent helps a child, they must put on their own oxygen mask. You can only help others, when you have fed oxygen to yourself.
I think of this thesis process as a challenge, maybe not quite an emergency per say, but it is a journey that is important to feed yourself. And at the end of the day I was fed, I was nourished to keep walking into my vocation and life, thus giving the energy to give in healthy ways.
Ally: are the people and the supports that really have and are reminding me to feed myself. Every week I run into class, high on caffeine and pressured that I didn't print three copies of my writing that I haven't done yet but was suppose to. I enter class and I see faces of everyone having the same face and the scent of coffee coming from my co-students. I take a deep breathe and realize that thesis is hard but by allies we can make it through. My classmates and I are on our way to make something really wonderful, out of all these ideas that will benefit self, the art therapy profession, and clients.
Ally: the people that tell me, "Great, your growing, but are you caring for yourself in the process?"
It's one thing to have people remind oneself to ask the tough questions and to reflect internally, but another to say- take care on the process. Find the ally residing inside of you. Don't be afraid to ask for help and admit that sometimes you need others to help you through. I want to ask the tough questions and I am ready to continue my journey without forgetting my tool of the mirror within, reminding myself all will be alright. All will be wonderful.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Set the Balls Down
Grad School- Thesis-IRB Application- Practicum Search- Work- Student Groups- Volunteer- Somehow manage a social life- and date. Those are a lot of balls in the air. This morning experiencing a chaotic catch up- I realized I am all over the place. My support I was talking to expressed- is it really chaotic? Or is it all the balls are in the air and you keep needing to tend to all of them so they don't fall down. What would happen if you placed the balls down and tended to them one by one- designated a time for each.
I work in metaphor. Balls in the air feels fitting of this chapter- this semester- this time I am trying to manage. Instead of managing- how about "Just be". Instead of trying to tend to all things at once- one thing, one day at a time. I was feeling overwhelmed about the amount of things in my life- but now I want to fully embrace. It's this projects turn to have my attention. Then in a few hours or tomorrow, the next.
Today is about patting myself on the back and telling myself- "you got this girl" and tending to one thing at a time.
I work in metaphor. Balls in the air feels fitting of this chapter- this semester- this time I am trying to manage. Instead of managing- how about "Just be". Instead of trying to tend to all things at once- one thing, one day at a time. I was feeling overwhelmed about the amount of things in my life- but now I want to fully embrace. It's this projects turn to have my attention. Then in a few hours or tomorrow, the next.
Today is about patting myself on the back and telling myself- "you got this girl" and tending to one thing at a time.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Disentangle
Feb 7th 2012
The end of January brought my 11th anniversary with Alopecia Areata. This year was about transformation. Each year I can feel it shifting and changing the meaning and myself in new ways. For years, January 26th was about loss and grief and these past two years were: after-the-storm-and-the-sun-comes-out-everything- is-clean and it’s time to get outside doing things. Living.
Last year was about changing the thought process of loss to what are my gains. This year I learned my word… like in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert… “What is your word?” This year it is: Disentangle.
After careful repetitive themes and reminders in my life I am realizing that meaningfulness is important but everything doesn’t have to be connected. I think about the growing pains of my life and for a long time I considered them going hand in hand. This year it dawned on me: compartmentalization is good.
My hair loss is not tangled with other pains that I have experienced in my life. Alopecia does not have to be the measurement of my relationships and my capacity to love. My lack of hair is not measure to the amount of love and compassion that I hold for others and myself.
In therapy I have been going over the theme of what is my representation (outside vs. inside), can I find equilibrium and insure healthy boundaries. I also learned that it’s okay to state how you would like to be seen- in that moment. I want to be seen as human, someone who is kickass inspirational but someone that doesn’t have to be the revolutionary inspiration all the time. I make mistakes and I hurt- but I come back and keep walking even though it’s hard sometimes.
So this year it is about disentangling.
Everything doesn’t have to be connected completely- all the time. My insecurities in one area of my life, does not need to determine my fate in another area. It is time to do a little sorting, cutting the insecure tangled connections, compartmentalize, and hold meaning because life is precious. Each piece in it’s own way and own place is beautiful even in the madness and stress. But like an exotic moth being saved in it’s own compartment box. It is intricate on it’s own which then makes up an entire species. We each have a place and calling- our own intricate details that are precious- so it’s time to sort and celebrate a new year. A new year of disentanglement: to find clarity and joy.
Returning home from a trip to DC. 2012 oh the things you have in store. Travel- so important- gets out of your routine… even if it’s walking a different way. Switch it up- it’s good for you.
The end of January brought my 11th anniversary with Alopecia Areata. This year was about transformation. Each year I can feel it shifting and changing the meaning and myself in new ways. For years, January 26th was about loss and grief and these past two years were: after-the-storm-and-the-sun-comes-out-everything- is-clean and it’s time to get outside doing things. Living.
Last year was about changing the thought process of loss to what are my gains. This year I learned my word… like in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert… “What is your word?” This year it is: Disentangle.
After careful repetitive themes and reminders in my life I am realizing that meaningfulness is important but everything doesn’t have to be connected. I think about the growing pains of my life and for a long time I considered them going hand in hand. This year it dawned on me: compartmentalization is good.
My hair loss is not tangled with other pains that I have experienced in my life. Alopecia does not have to be the measurement of my relationships and my capacity to love. My lack of hair is not measure to the amount of love and compassion that I hold for others and myself.
In therapy I have been going over the theme of what is my representation (outside vs. inside), can I find equilibrium and insure healthy boundaries. I also learned that it’s okay to state how you would like to be seen- in that moment. I want to be seen as human, someone who is kickass inspirational but someone that doesn’t have to be the revolutionary inspiration all the time. I make mistakes and I hurt- but I come back and keep walking even though it’s hard sometimes.
So this year it is about disentangling.
Everything doesn’t have to be connected completely- all the time. My insecurities in one area of my life, does not need to determine my fate in another area. It is time to do a little sorting, cutting the insecure tangled connections, compartmentalize, and hold meaning because life is precious. Each piece in it’s own way and own place is beautiful even in the madness and stress. But like an exotic moth being saved in it’s own compartment box. It is intricate on it’s own which then makes up an entire species. We each have a place and calling- our own intricate details that are precious- so it’s time to sort and celebrate a new year. A new year of disentanglement: to find clarity and joy.
Returning home from a trip to DC. 2012 oh the things you have in store. Travel- so important- gets out of your routine… even if it’s walking a different way. Switch it up- it’s good for you.
Friday, December 9, 2011
In a Christmas Tradition I want a little more umph of love, living, and community
A few years back I was honored to be a teacher to some amazing kids. I was digging through some old papers and I found some notes on Kwanzaa. Let me just tell you Kwanzaa kicks ass and that is the kind of rejuvenation I need in my life, culture, and soul.
Kwanzaa:
Dec. 26-Jan 1
There are seven principles:
1) Umoja- Unity
2) Kujichagulia- Self determination
3) Ujima- Collective work and responsibility
4) Ujamaa- cooperative economics
5) Nia- purpose
6) Kuumbe- creativity
7) Imani- Faith
These principles is really jiving with where I am at in life. And needing a little something something. Christmas get ready because the meaning boys are back in town.
Kwanzaa:
Dec. 26-Jan 1
There are seven principles:
1) Umoja- Unity
2) Kujichagulia- Self determination
3) Ujima- Collective work and responsibility
4) Ujamaa- cooperative economics
5) Nia- purpose
6) Kuumbe- creativity
7) Imani- Faith
These principles is really jiving with where I am at in life. And needing a little something something. Christmas get ready because the meaning boys are back in town.
Friday, October 21, 2011
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