Vocation come to me throughout the day and into the night. Vocation lean into me, breathe into me. Whole bodied I want to carry my vocation like a swaddled baby soon only to hold its hand and see it grow into something magnificent. Carry me through in the blank times when I might forget the road. Remember the essence, the spirit of my art, my being that nourishes me. Allow myself to be in the process with eyes wide open whether alone or with others. Allow applause, remember achievements, and think of all the possibilities ahead.
Today as I stumbled around my apartment for an hour, I realized I was avoiding something. In the coming month there will be an art show through my program. As eager as I am to help organize the event, I realized- entering in pieces- oh gosh where will this come from. So as this morning began I said- "alright paint- paint.... ohh Colbert Report is on- sweet!".... an hour later..."okay paint time... ohhh the Doctors and they are talking about all you need to know about a man- I'm in"... an hour later.
"Crap- paint."
I walked around in a few more circles and I realized- hmm what am I so scared/lazy about?
I made my way to my easel downstairs with a bucket of water. I took a photograph that I took in high school. It was an isolated form image of a canvas tarp from the side of the road in Mendocino. This photograph was the first image I ever shot, developed, and printed. It is a source of accomplishment- and hopefully a tool of inspiration to paint this afternoon. I stood there, obviously painters block, and started looking at this first image I created. I started thinking about first times. (I know what your thinking.) But first times and having the knowledge to be authentic to an experience- and to gracefully carry through 'you'.
Let me continue... Recently, let's say, a mentor figure stated to me "although you may have been hurt or not taught the skills to stand up for the situation, you managed to own grace and love and come through with an unlearned skill set. Where do you think that it is from- if not from an external teacher?" She was unspeakably implying that, it came from within.
There are too many times I look for skills to become embedded from outside of myself, without recognizing those I bring to the table myself. Values, skills, and love that I too often forget I own and radiate and fill others with. I realized that I would like remember to radiate some of that love back on myself. # 1) I would like to inspire myself today.
I kept looking at that photograph and I began to sketch, I pulled out the palette knife and started spreading paint across the canvas. I made ridges and movement. I kept repeating those mentor words, "where do you think this came from?" And I was able to answer "Me".
Today was a self love radiance moment.
I stood back and said "yes- it's me."
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
New life and changes
My best friend's baby was born today. Now she has two healthy sons. What a miracle.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."- Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Realizing You Got the Power.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_j0vcc70Ig
If we just got together and said "what's happening?" Think of this world.
If we just got together and said "what's happening?" Think of this world.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter Reflections: Rebirth you bet I believe in rebirth.
Growing up in the Presbyterian church, I was very familiar with Christian holidays. Easter has the narrative about rebirth, renewal, and new life. I love Easter. I loved Christmas, but Easter was magical for me. Christmas was special, but Easter, it was different. Easter was so much more because the Easter bunny hid all of these magical candies around our orchard and it was my job to find them. It was so active and imaginative. And the process of waking up in my 90's nightgown and squealing at the sight of bright pink eggs in the yard, made my heart sing. Long story short I love Easter for it's nostalgic memories it always highlights in me.
Easter now means so much more to me. When I hear the hot terms of renewal and new life, my heart soars. Yes, I have ties to Christian Ideology and remembering youth. But when I hear rebirth, I am reminded of when I chose life and regrowth of self, over depression and lack of self confidence. Easter reminds me of when I chose to live. As my ten years passed with Alopecia and a second semester with grad school finishes, my theme for year 10 definitely seems to be "gaining".
For 10 years I have mourned over my hair, I have tossed and turned over what would be differently if I just had my hair. It was loss, it was trauma, and I was grieving. But as this 10 year passed, I realized I didn't need to cry for my loss. I realized I wanted to acknowledge the gains I had in my life. I wanted to push my self to new heights to realize that this doesn't have to be about overcoming grief the rest of my life but about celebrating in the grace of gaining.
I realized that I could remember my struggle, but it could also be about celebrating life. Celebrating a new story and all of the gains I have had in my life (from friendships to travel to accomplishments). My friend, Cynthia, dear sister and wine tasting partner suggested to me, that this year, maybe I start thinking about my anniversary more about the things that have come in my life for the better since I lost my hair. I then had a professor pull me aside and tell me, "I see your going through the theme of loss in your work [an art book about human sexuality and what that means to me], I see where you may be or was, but maybe it's time to think about the ways you can find gains in your life, because you deserve that." With my friend, professor, and my housemate encouraging us to go skiing over my anniversary weekend (which was definitely a new experience for me), It has been a transformation in my thinking that my hair-"loss" is just an add on to a word, that may come and go, but doesn't have to keep me suffering in grief.
On my tenth anniversary weekend, I sat up at the ski lodge with a bruise on my butt and a beer in hand after my lesson feeling frustrated that I could not get skiing right away, but realizing the accomplishment for pushing myself (and having my friend Stephanie encourage me) to try something new, when deep down I was a little too scared to try a new gaining experience. I expanded my possibilities that things are so much grander than grief. Maybe it was the wind chill from the mountain or a buzz from the beer or a transforming moment, but I left feeling "yes I tried it and that's a big step"- I gained.
So when we talk about Easter. Yeah, I am joyful and thankful for the reminder that I chose to gain life. Renewal- new life- let's talk because I am ready to gain a great new experience. That is what Easter means to me.
Easter now means so much more to me. When I hear the hot terms of renewal and new life, my heart soars. Yes, I have ties to Christian Ideology and remembering youth. But when I hear rebirth, I am reminded of when I chose life and regrowth of self, over depression and lack of self confidence. Easter reminds me of when I chose to live. As my ten years passed with Alopecia and a second semester with grad school finishes, my theme for year 10 definitely seems to be "gaining".
For 10 years I have mourned over my hair, I have tossed and turned over what would be differently if I just had my hair. It was loss, it was trauma, and I was grieving. But as this 10 year passed, I realized I didn't need to cry for my loss. I realized I wanted to acknowledge the gains I had in my life. I wanted to push my self to new heights to realize that this doesn't have to be about overcoming grief the rest of my life but about celebrating in the grace of gaining.
I realized that I could remember my struggle, but it could also be about celebrating life. Celebrating a new story and all of the gains I have had in my life (from friendships to travel to accomplishments). My friend, Cynthia, dear sister and wine tasting partner suggested to me, that this year, maybe I start thinking about my anniversary more about the things that have come in my life for the better since I lost my hair. I then had a professor pull me aside and tell me, "I see your going through the theme of loss in your work [an art book about human sexuality and what that means to me], I see where you may be or was, but maybe it's time to think about the ways you can find gains in your life, because you deserve that." With my friend, professor, and my housemate encouraging us to go skiing over my anniversary weekend (which was definitely a new experience for me), It has been a transformation in my thinking that my hair-"loss" is just an add on to a word, that may come and go, but doesn't have to keep me suffering in grief.
On my tenth anniversary weekend, I sat up at the ski lodge with a bruise on my butt and a beer in hand after my lesson feeling frustrated that I could not get skiing right away, but realizing the accomplishment for pushing myself (and having my friend Stephanie encourage me) to try something new, when deep down I was a little too scared to try a new gaining experience. I expanded my possibilities that things are so much grander than grief. Maybe it was the wind chill from the mountain or a buzz from the beer or a transforming moment, but I left feeling "yes I tried it and that's a big step"- I gained.
So when we talk about Easter. Yeah, I am joyful and thankful for the reminder that I chose to gain life. Renewal- new life- let's talk because I am ready to gain a great new experience. That is what Easter means to me.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)