Intuition/ gut sometimes needs to be your voice of reason.

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
-Mumford & Sons
Winter winds

Richard Carolan quote from class

"Who shows up for therapy, what shoes do you wear as a therapist? Afterall, the shoes hold your feet, in which you stand."- R.C.

it's a little sad when you search blackberry in google images- and all you get is the phone... I want a real blackberry darnit.

Summer thoughts

Mendocino
Each day
meat
fog
child's play
sleep
meat
fog
child's play
sleep

Paint- don't ever forget the paint

This summer- was about defining myself in old spaces in new ways. I had surprisingly a life changing experience in Mendocino. I learned a little about loving, a little about hurting, and a little bit about having a good time in a space I avoided for a while. All of the sudden Mendocino was mine again. I was standing there, not someone Else's impression, not something Else's systematic ways of identity. It was Heather a sandwich, and running on the beaches with a three year old.

But to Mention: the famous MENDOCINO BLACK HOLE THEORY.... once your there your there, you never leave, the culture sucks you in. I saw it- it exists- and I see the alluring power of it. I won't lie I questioned my choice of grad school while I was there. The isolation of the foggy town- really makes the small town attitude into small world- what goes on- is your choices- it's easy to lose sight to the other possibilities in life. This is no dis on the town- it's a setup- it's a role- it's a community, a strong community- there are systems- there are roles that are expected to keep it strong.

Another thing- would I move back to Mendocino- yes- definitely I would.

I won't lie- it's hard dating in Mendocino- there is limited "resources" and culturally a hello is a head nod and a hustle by-men speak up- we don't bite, say hello... Speak up women- say hello- converse- men don't bite either. It's set up that a nod is a conversation and it's expected that the other knows what that means exactly- maybe it's expected to know- but sorry I missed that memo.

I fell for someone/ something because it was conversation- it was exciting- it was intrigue, but when it got down to it- I couldn't support his ventures- and I was in the wrong- apparently. So I needed to leave because I knew I needed something better. I needed something that could walk with me.

Sum up: "I can be with your pain- but I can't carry it- that is your journey"

That was a big realization for me this summer. I realized that to express pain- I need to take ownership over it, I invite others as support to walk with me in it.... but never to carry it- ownership it is mine- it is my responsibility to work through it- to carry it, to shed it, to be rejuvenated by a lessening weight.

I walk in a little more peace because of that small town, I learned a lot this summer, I learned to apply the love, and self empowering systems that support has been telling me to do.

I learned from the good the bad, and today- tomorrow I will get knocked down- but we keep getting up because there is an obligation to self- own your pain because you are the only one that can work through it. I am feeling good.

Although- money's tight- gotta find a job- worried about how am I going to do this grad school year in three years- it seems like forever... but step by step--- sing it Whitney Houston

(note to self- charge shuffle) haha

I am intrigued about what's to come.

Currently listening to:
Nicki Minaj
B.O.B.
and James Taylor- I know random.

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves". Victor Hugo

Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope

excerpt

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

Playground rules 101

Since losing my hair, the one place that has continually been a struggle to go and keep my head high, bald and proud, shinning and beaming... is the playground.

Maybe some sort of structured social system is built into each twist of static plastic, always in good spirit but with a bit of a bite. As a child the playground has always been a historical site of intrepedation. And even as a almost 25 year old woman... my knees start to quake when I think bald woman in playground.

What will the kids think? How will I handle the child yelling monster from above the plastic molded castle, or the kids go upwards the slide- thinking why does she have no hair?

Yes these insecurities exist- I am not going to say they don't. I think these things. And it's good to write it down.

I experienced the playground the other day, while taking a friend's little son to the park with his mom.

"She doens't have hair and it is funny"

The father of the 7ish year old boy quickly says "hush hush- that's not nice." (I am glad he spoke up)

I responded with "It must be funny- because you do not see it often- right? But a woman can be bald- and that can be okay too."

and then as I am minding my own business day dreaming on the swings... watching my friend and her son have an adorable swing moment (trying to tame my biological clock..."ohhh I want one... not now heather not now... but one day... kids are so cute...)

"WOW YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR!"

I mother joyfully announces across the playground...

(no shit sherlock)

We have cheerful chat about Alopecia.... "ALO what?"

She ended up being a bit of a neurotic north coast lively mom- but hey where would we be without the characters right?

By the end of the playground expedition I felt a bit wiped. Not mad, or sad, or anxious (like had been in playground situations in the past) I was just wiped out. There are times I like to hold my head high. But I notice- it's that damn playground... I still gatta say... it will be okay.

And amazingly enough I have to remember... kids= play and attention and compassion= me and I am proud of it- what ever I look like and what ever conversations I have to face. Like tides- they're going to be high/ low/ rough/ calm. I it's about playing. It's about saying... at least I played.

I will try again with the playground and try to remember what I wrote, and what I am feeling that... it is okay to play.