Summer thoughts

Mendocino
Each day
meat
fog
child's play
sleep
meat
fog
child's play
sleep

Paint- don't ever forget the paint

This summer- was about defining myself in old spaces in new ways. I had surprisingly a life changing experience in Mendocino. I learned a little about loving, a little about hurting, and a little bit about having a good time in a space I avoided for a while. All of the sudden Mendocino was mine again. I was standing there, not someone Else's impression, not something Else's systematic ways of identity. It was Heather a sandwich, and running on the beaches with a three year old.

But to Mention: the famous MENDOCINO BLACK HOLE THEORY.... once your there your there, you never leave, the culture sucks you in. I saw it- it exists- and I see the alluring power of it. I won't lie I questioned my choice of grad school while I was there. The isolation of the foggy town- really makes the small town attitude into small world- what goes on- is your choices- it's easy to lose sight to the other possibilities in life. This is no dis on the town- it's a setup- it's a role- it's a community, a strong community- there are systems- there are roles that are expected to keep it strong.

Another thing- would I move back to Mendocino- yes- definitely I would.

I won't lie- it's hard dating in Mendocino- there is limited "resources" and culturally a hello is a head nod and a hustle by-men speak up- we don't bite, say hello... Speak up women- say hello- converse- men don't bite either. It's set up that a nod is a conversation and it's expected that the other knows what that means exactly- maybe it's expected to know- but sorry I missed that memo.

I fell for someone/ something because it was conversation- it was exciting- it was intrigue, but when it got down to it- I couldn't support his ventures- and I was in the wrong- apparently. So I needed to leave because I knew I needed something better. I needed something that could walk with me.

Sum up: "I can be with your pain- but I can't carry it- that is your journey"

That was a big realization for me this summer. I realized that to express pain- I need to take ownership over it, I invite others as support to walk with me in it.... but never to carry it- ownership it is mine- it is my responsibility to work through it- to carry it, to shed it, to be rejuvenated by a lessening weight.

I walk in a little more peace because of that small town, I learned a lot this summer, I learned to apply the love, and self empowering systems that support has been telling me to do.

I learned from the good the bad, and today- tomorrow I will get knocked down- but we keep getting up because there is an obligation to self- own your pain because you are the only one that can work through it. I am feeling good.

Although- money's tight- gotta find a job- worried about how am I going to do this grad school year in three years- it seems like forever... but step by step--- sing it Whitney Houston

(note to self- charge shuffle) haha

I am intrigued about what's to come.

Currently listening to:
Nicki Minaj
B.O.B.
and James Taylor- I know random.