OPEN: with the words of Kirk Franklin from More than I Can Bear
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I've gone through the fire
And I've been through the flood
I've been broken into pieces
Seen lightnin' flashin' from above
But through it all
I remember
That He loves me
And He cares
And He'll never put more on me
Than I can bear
What I was most excited about while speaking at Glide was to say:
“Do you hear me?” And “Oh honey-I hear you.” “Do you see me?” “Oh honey- I see you.” We hear and see each other today at Glide and thank goodness.
So here we go. Hearing and Seeing one another…
I grew up in Mendocino, California- a small foggy “village” on the coast.
At age 15, it was time for me to become an in-de-pen-dent wo-man, also known as…
I was going to get my driver’s license.
Now keep in mind, Mendocino (population 1000)… for driver’s education classes the teens had to go over the hill to the metropolis of Ukiah. (Population: 15,000). So not only did this mean- I was becoming an independent woman, it also meant I was going to be introduced to new people, a broader range of ideas… and…
Cough
Boys.
So as expected, while learning how to do left hand turns in my class, I decided to use this to my advantage. After all, I saw body language being used all over the place, on T.V. and magazine articles of “HOW TO GET YOUR MAN!”
SO…
I put on my pretend blinker then… I swiped my hand through my hair, hoping to get a glimpse of the cute Ukiah boys behind me.
My hand went through my locks, and I felt- yes I got it I got it- they want me they…
My hand stopped to find a bare patch of hair missing at the nape of my neck.
In confusion, I thought “okay okay” try again…
(the magazines said this would work- so it must-right?)
so turned on my imaginary blinker again, and ruffled my hair up, flipping, and doing a dance a bird would do to attract their mate.
But same results, my fingertips stopped at that bald spot.
I kept my finger on that spot for a long time,
and at that moment- the boys behind me fell far away.
I couldn’t connect to what it meant to be a woman in the social cues I had learned.
My life was troubled and far from the reality I thought I knew.
I felt shameful of the blotch of hair missing. I moved from Girl to Woman to Bald.
I was no longer becoming a woman but someone with Alopecia Areata, an autoimmune disease. My hair loss made me disabled in terms of what I thought femininity was, and I thought I was a liability to life.
It was one month after my driver’s education class that my head went from one bald spot to one patch of hair. I decided to shave off the last bits. And although there was liberation with shaving my head, I had an attachment to the last bits of hair…
“if I just hold on to these scraps of hair- I will get it back. Heather will still be here.”
The photo above is the day I shaved my head 9 years ago. This photo haunted me because it was a reminder that the Heather Curtis that was suppose to be living up to “femininity” was now stuck and having to carry on with this difference. I thought I was weak- I didn’t believe in the spirit in me that could carry me through, lift me up, and encourage others along the way.
My difference was a marker that I was not willing to bear.
After a year of being bald, I questioned: “Why me God? Why me?” My anger raged and I was a step away from wanting to end my life.
I needed to come to terms with my difference. The only thing I knew to stay safe and protect my life was to pray it out.
Praise is what I do
Even when I’m going through
See I've learned
To worship you
Know my circumstance
Doesn't even stand a chance!
Cause my praise… outweighs….the bad
In prayer the storm passed over and I felt a distinct clarity.
My clarity taught me about injustices of women, of body, of spirit. I learned that self-hate would only lead disability to liability. What I needed was my disability to become empowerment. I realized that the disease I thought that was holding me back was actually a journey to find my spirit again, to find my voice, to shout out: YOUR DISABILITY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A LIABILITY ANY LONGER. YOUR STORY IS POWER, VOICE IT- BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE SPIRIT WILL BE CALLING YOU TO DO.
Check it- Third grade- Art history lesson. And Christina’s world, by Andrew Wyeth pops up. My teacher states, “She is disabled and longing to get to where she’s going, yet she is stuck in that moment.”
After my hair loss, Christina sang to me. Here is a woman stuck in the isolation of her disability, she longingly looks to the house. And what I am most struck with is a feeling that she just wants to voice it out. Christina wants to tell her story, she wants to get where she’s going because she knows it’s something good.
When I first lost my hair- this painting was about commiserating Christina’s isolation, and wishful ideas. “Will I ever get back to home, to safety, to a place where my disability is not a liability. Will I ever be comfortable again in my own skin?”
But today, Christina is more that just the ability to say- I dream. But this is a painting living out the struggle that WE ALL go through to find ourselves. And to see where and what we are being called to do by God. I know that our chains in our disabilities can have the transformative power to become something mightier than liability, shame, and discomfort. Our disabilities, our differences have the power to make waves, to make change- sustainable change. We have the power to speak about such values that Glide wants to see in this world: RADICAL INCLUSION. TRUTH TELLING. LOVE AND HOPE. WE ARE FOR THE PEOPLE. AND WE CELEBRATE LIFE.
Shake the chains that say we are not good enough; let us sing out our story! Let us transform chains of liability into empowerment!
Philippians 1:12- 14
Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.
Paul writes in Phillippians about his imprisonment. He talks about how his chains of difference, are used as liability against him, but because of his voice and the collectivity of other voices, ripples are taking affect- change is coming! Disability and difference are no longer risks, but living out a call from God. It is living transformative possibilities, and today we have the ability to take our difference and make it ripple in our work, in our families, in our communities, and in ourselves.
This past year, I was walking down Ellis Street and a man asked me “can you help me?”
I responded “no- sorry sir- no change.”
I kept walking, but did a glance back, to see a man with casts on his hands, trying to zip his jacket.
“Heather he needed help. He needed help.”
I assumed who he was because of his difference and disability- and I was in the wrong and I realized the possibility for change and for connection. Stories can be told, and there can be empowerment in our difference.
I turned around and I ended up having one of the best conversations with this man, talking about difference, talking about overcoming our challenges. I shared my story of hair loss, and he shared his story of life. We both experienced a spiritual uplift and a calling to voice our story.
We all have a calling to voice our story.
No longer is my difference holding me back, no longer is my difference going to tell me I am not good enough.
Own my difference.
Own your difference.
Love my difference.
Love your difference.
Difference as deliverance.
My blotches
Alopecia- there is no hiding the blotches of hair
slowly oozing and leaking from my follicles.
And somehow- this leaking is shame,
somehow this leaking of hair is a loss of the sacred
and somehow loss of humanity
my bald head somehow resembles the loss of the "I am" somebody.
No more!
My spots are precious.
My spots are my story.
My spots are like seasons, they come and go.
They weave in and out
to make the complexity of life a little more manageable.
My spots are mine!
No more will my leaking and oozing of hair be my shame.
It will be more like a graceful leaf falling from that tree in autumn,
Only to come again as something else.
Something new.
Something that makes me feel alive and sing.
No more will I call myself ugly for the things I lack.
No longer will I make my grief…hurt.
No longer will I feel like I am giving something up if I shave off my locks.
No longer will I feel the sacred as being shaved away.
The sacred is in me
I am
and I love my spots.
Here, there, everywhere.
My spots now and forever
are mine.
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If I could do one thing in this world for healing, for strength, it would be to say:
you have it
you rock it
you voice it.
Your words are power.
Those words of story will bring you to call. Your story will bring you to spirit. The spirit will take your liability of disability away, you will be able to stand, you will be able to speak. Your chains will ripple in the voices and lives of others. Our brothers and sisters will seek the radical inclusion, truth telling, love and hope, and celebration that this planet deserves. We celebrate life here at Glide because it is time to tell.
It’s time to get up Christina and get were your going
It’s time to get up Heather and get were your going
It’s time for you to get up and get were your going
It’s time for EVERYBODY to get up to get were your going
Because the thing that holds you back is no longer a liability
Because the thing that holds you back will not take away your spirit.
AMEN.
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