GRE Words

So on my google homepage I have GRE words, and one of them was "shambles". For it to mean disorder and mess, it sure is a pretty word... and well makes me think of how... in our messes and in our falls, can be grace, and sure can be a pretty thing.

It's amazing how we all got something. I keep trying to rule out things, stating that we are looking for perfection. But maybe it is the messiness, in fact the healthy messiness, the honesty of human condition that I am looking for. And in all that messiness, I realize I am just looking in a mirror, learning most importantly how to love myself.

"Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says, 'I value you enough to give you my most precious asset - my time'". Unknown

This is interesting and could be a broader thing than romantic love. This could be so much more, this could be about commitment all together... will think about this.

Childhood Development

Giving yourself the right to articulate your pain.

I don't know if I have allowed myself that. Or the time to speak and not be worried.

I found myself speaking today.

I have spoke before

But today in a very different sense of what it means

"to speak".

Walking Meditation that is still walking....

Today at work we did an medication walk at work and I felt extremely uncovered and exposed to a deeper level. To have to slow things down in a busy urban setting did not sit right with me. All of the sudden I found myself trying to clear my mind, but everything was weighing in and I was there overly bare.

It made me realize the bareness I already have to cope with and slowing it down was like a microscope amplifying my differentness and baring. I was overwhlemed and felt vulnerable.

As leaving to catch the bus a man said hello to me and I saw him watch me cross the street, usual scoff it off my shoulders and walk on, in some way I felt violated. Maybe it was because we were discussing voyuerism today that made it really present in my mind.

I became a little overwhelmed and feeling an anger for the things I deserve that aren't present at the moment... and all of the sudden I was reminded by a friendly conversation, a bucket of paint, and brainstorming ideas when getting home some and I felt an okay-ness to life.

Tonight I had brought to prayer Jeremiah 29:11. I alone the plans I have for you. And this is indeed a reassurance I found this afternoon in baring a little emotion and myself, even if I didn't necessarily like it that much.

Re cutting

I cut my thinning bits yesterday. It was only about a centimeter but it is amazing how much I found coverage and concealment in that tiny bit of hair. I have had to cut the thinning bits before, but I feel like keeping them is too painful to see the cranial globe shed it's trees, little by little, as if my head was going through global warming. So I trimmed my hair because for some reason I feel like the sameness of hair length makes me feel more professional, or at least grappling with my reality. So usually the trimming process is upsetting, and remembrance of the first time I had to shave my head at 15 1/2. But this time, I looked down into the sink were the bits fell and honestly, the amount was so insignificant, and as I looked up and into the mirror I realized that I am okay. I closed my eyes and remembered an exercise I did in my alternative mirrors class..."tell yourself your beautiful until you really feel it". I told myself I am beautiful repetitively and opened my eyes, and I felt a deep beauty, a beauty in the pain, in the struggle, in the little insignificant bits in the sink that make me laugh because of the irony, beauty in the ugly, beauty in the fearful, beauty in the honesty, beauty in the beauty, beauty in me. Beauty I need to stand in, own, and believe.

It is a bit weird to rub my hand over my head and feel more of a bristle, but the trimming is an action I did, something I controlled, something I released myself of pain. I felt a bit apprehensive to go out today... but it was only a few bits- why heather, why? But it was more about change for me, it was grievance for a change...

At my internship we were talking about grieving in letting go and entering into the new, even if the new can be better for us. And all of the sudden with a shedding of three little hairs, I felt it. Grieving the old, even if it was painful to move onward. I am excited to head into celebration tomorrow. I think some good good sweet things will come about. As my good friend Mary always says, keep your head high girl but look straight ahead. Believe in yourself and understand your uniqueness has power like every one else's uniqueness does... think of all the work we could get done. Beautiful.

“My upbringing made me as I am now. But I can become merry and happy at once. There were many years I was feeling at a loss about my life or how I grew up. I couldn't understand what is right or what is precious. At that time, I was so miserable and self-defeating. I was feeling angry with various things. My anger came up to the surface then. I don't say such tendency has disappeared. Even now there are anger and the dark side in myself. But it's the first time I've been so close to the light.”
Johnny Depp

Loss and revitalization

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”
Walter Anderson