Just watchin' it go by.

I watch the train go by, and say- I wonder where that train is going? And I wonder if I will ever be on it.


There's a metaphor for you.

New Beginnings

Name games and introductions, ah sometimes I really hate them. I suppose I have the ultimate- what is one thing you don't know about me. Sometimes, I don't want to say. But others I want to shout it to the world, that I have Alopecia Areata. So identity how much of it changes over a lifespan. For example, student. I went back to being a student again today and how much awkwardness yet excitement rests in that ten minutes before class, when everyone silently sits there, grabbing at their cell (pretending to turn it off), but in actuality you are just deleting the messages from your inbox to avoid at all costs the need to strike up a conversation with someone else. I did a name game today in class and I grinded my teeth and had an internal groan- but my professor said something a little insightful- "I have gone through an entire class and not meeting anyone- it's sad don't you think?" And I realized something- I never want to be all up in someone's business, espcially a stranger- but at that moment I thought: "How true!" Why aren't we talking. I think if there were more communication in this world- there would be a lot more mobility to see change. It is so easy for me to want my cave time (or what ever sex stereotype it is for a woman needing solitude) and hide from the world, and say I will do that later. But really the time is now. And I really like putting my thoughts down, because somehow I feel this is action, and I feel like it is giving me a little more courage to talk with others in those awkward 10 minutes before class.

Today was about new environments and going back to being a student. I felt in the open and a little nervous, a wee bit tired, but so excited to learn.

A Little List of Support woop woop!

http://www.alopeciaawareness.com/

http://www.alopeciaworld.com/

http://naaf.org/

Categories

Being a bald woman in her twenties, I feel that sometimes, (approximately yearly) a new challenge arises. Whether it is a man telling me I need a bonnet (I am apparently a young child or we have reverted back to 1700's) to the earthy dreaded young stranger granting me peace and a kiss on the head- rubbing for good luck of course. Buddha's tummy magically and geographically shift a complete axis upward to my head and somehow to people they find enlightenment. Where is this going... Exactly, my experience with Alopecia and being bald is a bunch of stories mashed together all adding to greater insight of who I am and how I interact with the world. I hope to share more as time goes on.

So Categories... like the example of situations above, I realize, I have to break my life into a filing system. Where there are files, and in those files is learned information of how to handle a certain situation, and how can that information be retrieved and applied to the bigger story- life, who we are, and what we want out of it all.

My Categories are:

Love/ Romance
Spirituality
Ambition and goals
Career
Expression
Interactions & relationships

I suppose I could edit this later on, it is really a fluctuating thing, things become pertinent, others fade away- or I conquer fears, or create new thoughts. Basically, I like writing this all down because it helps me flush it out. It gets my mind going away from the ugly and feels that I can transform my life, just by writing.

(Note: I usually write this before bed- so excuse the delirious- miss spelling or nonsense thoughts- I will try to edit, but that is like saying you'll try to go to the gym 7 days a week- doesn't happen.)

So to a last note. Above is my cycle of categories of what I constantly file information under. Things become heavy at times, and I sometimes feel sad about things- like we all do. At times, I feel scared, embarrassed, shameful, and ugly that I am bald. Especially when I first lost my hair. But I also feel enlightened, empowered, dazzling, beautiful, excited, and in love with being bare to the world- it gives me so much sometimes. For example, I was walking on Powell today and I pass this gorgeous group of men. One guy had the most striking features, and a bit of drool hit my lips. And my brain started kicking in scared but remembering all my loved ones' advice "hold your head high." and I told myself to "smile just smile", and he turned around and said "I like your hair cut" with a sincerity I felt hit to my core and it helped me remember that I can rock it and I can always smile- because I can truly own that. I said thank you and walked on. I noticed my spirit that was in a good mood already, was elevated to the next level. I kept my head high and walked on, into the day with a friend by my side.

So file that information into interactions and put a plus and remember that even a stranger with the smallest complement can uplift your days. Take those- remember them- battle them against negative thoughts of your own or the craziness that may come your way. Remember to hold your head high and smile just smile because you truly own it. I have to remember this.

To take a stand

I feel that with Alopecia- there has been a silence placed over my body- a bondage as woman, as the overemotional. I think these stereotypes and judgements of women have started long ago. Before the dawn of feminism, before a thought of Heather Curtis was ever mentioned. These negative thoughts about my body are a history of a long story told. So if it has been told- why speak? And I feel that for a stance in women everywhere I have an obligation and right to tell. To speak of a story untold, only unique to I. A tale of that last stand and last strand, only to make something new- a reinvention of that once longing to tell my story, but not feeling the courage and illegitimate with thoughts of woman, bald, heterosexual, and all of those categorizing metaphors we use to define our bodies and try to pinpoint our minds. It is my courage to write- but now only to believe that I can. I can have the courage to speak and feel adequate of where I stand as a bald woman in her twenties not by choice. This is a story of an 8 year battle of adapting with a body and preparing my mind for the journey that lay ahead. I am preparing myself for battle with an ounce and a half that I can keep going, keep going to make other's believe that they can march ahead and lead me, greet me, and teach me a little more love.