Feb 7th 2012
The end of January brought my 11th anniversary with Alopecia Areata. This year was about transformation. Each year I can feel it shifting and changing the meaning and myself in new ways. For years, January 26th was about loss and grief and these past two years were: after-the-storm-and-the-sun-comes-out-everything- is-clean and it’s time to get outside doing things. Living.
Last year was about changing the thought process of loss to what are my gains. This year I learned my word… like in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert… “What is your word?” This year it is: Disentangle.
After careful repetitive themes and reminders in my life I am realizing that meaningfulness is important but everything doesn’t have to be connected. I think about the growing pains of my life and for a long time I considered them going hand in hand. This year it dawned on me: compartmentalization is good.
My hair loss is not tangled with other pains that I have experienced in my life. Alopecia does not have to be the measurement of my relationships and my capacity to love. My lack of hair is not measure to the amount of love and compassion that I hold for others and myself.
In therapy I have been going over the theme of what is my representation (outside vs. inside), can I find equilibrium and insure healthy boundaries. I also learned that it’s okay to state how you would like to be seen- in that moment. I want to be seen as human, someone who is kickass inspirational but someone that doesn’t have to be the revolutionary inspiration all the time. I make mistakes and I hurt- but I come back and keep walking even though it’s hard sometimes.
So this year it is about disentangling.
Everything doesn’t have to be connected completely- all the time. My insecurities in one area of my life, does not need to determine my fate in another area. It is time to do a little sorting, cutting the insecure tangled connections, compartmentalize, and hold meaning because life is precious. Each piece in it’s own way and own place is beautiful even in the madness and stress. But like an exotic moth being saved in it’s own compartment box. It is intricate on it’s own which then makes up an entire species. We each have a place and calling- our own intricate details that are precious- so it’s time to sort and celebrate a new year. A new year of disentanglement: to find clarity and joy.
Returning home from a trip to DC. 2012 oh the things you have in store. Travel- so important- gets out of your routine… even if it’s walking a different way. Switch it up- it’s good for you.
