My Bare Thoughts About Alopecia

Disentangle

2012-02-09T08:45:00.001-08:00

Feb 7th 2012
The end of January brought my 11th anniversary with Alopecia Areata. This year was about transformation. Each year I can feel it shifting and changing the meaning and myself in new ways. For years, January 26th was about loss and grief and these past two years were: after-the-storm-and-the-sun-comes-out-everything- is-clean and it’s time to get outside doing things. Living.
Last year was about changing the thought process of loss to what are my gains. This year I learned my word… like in Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert… “What is your word?” This year it is: Disentangle.
After careful repetitive themes and reminders in my life I am realizing that meaningfulness is important but everything doesn’t have to be connected. I think about the growing pains of my life and for a long time I considered them going hand in hand. This year it dawned on me: compartmentalization is good.
My hair loss is not tangled with other pains that I have experienced in my life. Alopecia does not have to be the measurement of my relationships and my capacity to love. My lack of hair is not measure to the amount of love and compassion that I hold for others and myself.
In therapy I have been going over the theme of what is my representation (outside vs. inside), can I find equilibrium and insure healthy boundaries. I also learned that it’s okay to state how you would like to be seen- in that moment. I want to be seen as human, someone who is kickass inspirational but someone that doesn’t have to be the revolutionary inspiration all the time. I make mistakes and I hurt- but I come back and keep walking even though it’s hard sometimes.
So this year it is about disentangling.
Everything doesn’t have to be connected completely- all the time. My insecurities in one area of my life, does not need to determine my fate in another area. It is time to do a little sorting, cutting the insecure tangled connections, compartmentalize, and hold meaning because life is precious. Each piece in it’s own way and own place is beautiful even in the madness and stress. But like an exotic moth being saved in it’s own compartment box. It is intricate on it’s own which then makes up an entire species. We each have a place and calling- our own intricate details that are precious- so it’s time to sort and celebrate a new year. A new year of disentanglement: to find clarity and joy.

Returning home from a trip to DC. 2012 oh the things you have in store. Travel- so important- gets out of your routine… even if it’s walking a different way. Switch it up- it’s good for you.

In a Christmas Tradition I want a little more umph of love, living, and community

2011-12-09T22:30:00.000-08:00

A few years back I was honored to be a teacher to some amazing kids. I was digging through some old papers and I found some notes on Kwanzaa. Let me just tell you Kwanzaa kicks ass and that is the kind of rejuvenation I need in my life, culture, and soul.

Kwanzaa:
Dec. 26-Jan 1

There are seven principles:
1) Umoja- Unity
2) Kujichagulia- Self determination
3) Ujima- Collective work and responsibility
4) Ujamaa- cooperative economics
5) Nia- purpose
6) Kuumbe- creativity
7) Imani- Faith

These principles is really jiving with where I am at in life. And needing a little something something. Christmas get ready because the meaning boys are back in town.

2011-10-21T23:57:00.001-07:00

Intimacy and Leaping in faith

Listen Widely, Speak Humbly, Breathe Deeply

2011-10-21T23:55:00.000-07:00

Give it up

2011-09-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

Everybody wants you
Everybody wants your love
I'd just like to make you mine all mine
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
Baby give it up
Give it up, Baby give it up
-KC and the Sunshine Band
"Give it up"

2011-08-07T22:53:00.001-07:00

Inviting others into the journey and understanding the other person....

I keep things close and "I'm fine" is constantly flying out of my mouth. What's so scary about letting others in and to speak about my experience in life. It is time to find healthy boundaries but not to be afraid to stand up and speak.

Art, Soul, and Transformation

2011-07-10T08:14:00.000-07:00

This past week I attended the Art Therapy Association Conference in Washington D.C. During the conference I was able to expand my understanding of materials in therapeutic practice. Not only did I learn about book arts, but also I took a class on fabric collage when working with trauma survivors. My mind was expanded in the populations I want to work with in the future. I started off learning about dual relationships in small communities. I often have my mind buzzing from dreams and goals such as eventually living up in the country working with rural communities. I learned so much about the complexities of dual relationships in small communities, the importance of confidentiality, and thinking about self disclosure through the internet. This really started making me consider the ways in which I have self disclosed through facebook, or even this blog. The question came to mind, as a writer/ artist disclosing (to a certain degree) is part of my process, but as a future therapist how could that hinder my relationship to the profession, my clients, and privacy/ boundaries of self.

I was incredibly moved by the momentum behind working with military soliders returning from oversees, particularly demonstrating PTSD. There was a panel on the projects behind this movement. And a client shared his story processing his battle with PTSD. And next thing I know he said... My disability will no longer be my liability. My jaw dropped because going on a year and half ago I spoke those words through my sermon at Glide Memorial Church when interning there. I realized about blessings and hidden interconnectedness that truly exists. There is healing happening in this world and it's going to get so much better. My vocation is calling. And here I am- ready!

Killer Bees

2011-07-03T21:59:00.000-07:00

This week was decompression. Simply said.

I went to the National Alopecia Areata Conference. It was all over the board for me. It was life changing and awakening for so many reasons. So where do I begin?

I was inspired...
- By the kids with Alopecia- they shine and really led the others.
- By the parents experience to find a space to cry/ mourn/ rage/ show their self- blame they may feel over their child's hair loss (which they shouldn't)- a space to be where they need to be.
- By the friendships made and the adults to walk together in this experience (and dance parties in hotel rooms- how can you beat that?)

Things that didn't get my cookies to crumble:
- I wasn't too enthralled by the motivational speakers. (Maybe just an off year?)
- I support the medical research of this disease- absolutely, but at what cost are we going to risk our lives to treat a non-life threatening disease?
-Acid treatment equivalent to poison oak?! Really?
-ER visits from allergic reactions to treatments. I am worried.

Things I liked:
The support groups were really interesting. And the young adults support group was kick butt, really interesting to hear my same age group and see the Alopecia support group in another context.

Things I wasn't aware of:
There was a common theme of children and their families having to go against school boards to allow hats in schools. I heard many stories about how families had to eventually go to the state's department of education to have their child allowed into their school with a hat. The concern assumed with a child wearing a hat in the school is in affiliation with "gang culture".

I have to question the systems protocols as a comparison to the enduring discrimination against children of difference in our schools. Violence is in the schools. Healing and a cease to bullying need to happen. But I question how does that happen when there is still the label amongst the system stating "this child of difference is not allowed".

I think that this overlaps with other children of difference. I think this is where we all can connect, Alopecia or not. Children of difference deserve the access to education. People deserve love from others, the system, and self. How appropriate to learn about this over pride weekend. As I was boogying my ass off with 900 other bald people to celebrate our difference, my home – the bay area was dancing for all of us as well.

What I found comical:
Killer bees. As I was listening to the medical update about Alopecia Areata- they threw out the term “killer bees”. Honestly, after a late night drive from the bay, an early morning talk on the development of children, and no coffee- I was snoozing. But as soon as one doctor threw out the term “killer bees”, my pupils opened, and there was a giggle in my belly.

“Killer bees” is being used as a term to describe the process of my body attacking my hair follicle- because it has a swarm effect. So I have killer bees in me. Comical, interesting, and I kind of want to be sarcastic about it and say “Really?! WTF? That’s what you got doctors? Killer Bees? Really?

Makes sense, like in Winnie the Pooh- when the bees were attacking, they ran to the mud- us Alopecians run to the poison oak. (Excuse my sarcasm).

Moving on…

What motivated me:
One doctor I really got a lot out of went over all the treatments- although it seemed daunting to sit through, it was extremely informative. My favorite part of his talk was the comparison or Alopecia Areata to the movie Click. He warned the audience to skip the movie, not worth it. But the basic concept of the movie Click was that the main actor fast forwards through all of the bad parts of his life. Leaving him with the feeling that he had not really lived. The doctor made the connection that “we can not fast forward through Alopecia Areata” it might be worth while to explore to deeper meanings of who we truly are in this experience. I got it. There is no fast forwarding through Alopecia Areata.

This made me think a lot about my career. And going to the conference really pointed out to me the lack of psychological services and therapeutic support given to this community. The monetary support is in the medical (makes sense and I am not complaining), but I have to question as mentioned before, how far are we going to go to be pricked and prodded to treat a non-threatening disease when Alopecians are highly aware about day to day interactions. And when is the time we are going to stop pushing the fast forward button on medical treatment and dig a little deeper into the experience of the alopecian on a day-to-day basis?

I loved the conference- but its only once a year. I love my support group meetings- but they are only every other month. Not that I want to walk with “woe with me I have alopecia” everyday- it’s been ten years and there is a point to which we must eventually let go of the grief of hair loss, but we as a community have the ability to share something deeper, to connect our shared humanity with the world. We have the capability to stand for difference and a strong power/ investment into social justice that isn’t being recognized. It’s time to tap into a broader understanding of transformation.

Learning to be the newbie: VIP
This was my first conference. I was VIP (literally had to have that on my name tag) because I was a newbie. It was a bit strange to be the newbie, but to be so old (not age- but 10 years- notches under my belt with Alopecia). A woman at the conference one night asked how I was doing since I was a newbie. I could see the rush of sympathy through her bones. I appreciated her caring, but I felt very fragile. I joked it off with- "Oh I have had it for ten years, I just haven't been to a conference" but there was something in that interaction that made me feel a duality. I was a VIP, but I also felt "fragile" and I didn't like that. But I realize it was good for me to experience. I often hold my head high- because I am the vet of Alopecia- I am bare and I show the world that it's possible. I am the strong one. But to have the VIP newbie tag- really humbled me. It really allowed myself to say: "why do you have to be strong all the time Heather? And why can't you accept someone asking "how are you?" So I was VIP and now on further reflection, damn it felt good.

So specialness, last but not least. The more I think about it, I had a hard time being just another bald head in the sea of Alopecians at the conference. I often pride myself on the choice I have made to not wear a wig or hat. I am confident to confront conversation, answer questions, and radiate Alopecia. But I realized how far I need to go with true acceptance of me myself and I. Me as radiant and not my bald head (my bald head is sexy- don't get me wrong but that's not the full package). This is where India Arie's "I am not my hair" interplays.

All of the sudden I found my self going from being bare as my specialness, it's what gets me into conversation with people, sometimes accesses me to resources I feel I would not have, etc. But once I walked into that hotel for the conference. I was scared- I had a momentary panic of "my specialness is gone. I am like everybody else". This scared me to realize I ride so much confidence of myself on Alopecia. And after I left the conference I have to admit, I had a little fear in me. What if my hair grew back? How would I be special? Once I get on one of these existential life lessons, I am not one to easily drop it. I realize that this is something I really want to hone in on. I want to believe that my specialness lies within my self (persona, laugh, charisma, etc), and not so readily rely on my defining of Alopecia to define who I am. As the weekend went on, I realized the connections I made really were powerful and based off of something so much greater than my insecurities. I realize the importance for that conference and I hope to continue to go because it pointed out that my specialness lies so much deeper than to have hair or not. But me. We all have the specialness in us and it's important to be spot checked on it from time to time.

Shine on into me.

2011-06-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

Vocation come to me throughout the day and into the night. Vocation lean into me, breathe into me. Whole bodied I want to carry my vocation like a swaddled baby soon only to hold its hand and see it grow into something magnificent. Carry me through in the blank times when I might forget the road. Remember the essence, the spirit of my art, my being that nourishes me. Allow myself to be in the process with eyes wide open whether alone or with others. Allow applause, remember achievements, and think of all the possibilities ahead.

Today as I stumbled around my apartment for an hour, I realized I was avoiding something. In the coming month there will be an art show through my program. As eager as I am to help organize the event, I realized- entering in pieces- oh gosh where will this come from. So as this morning began I said- "alright paint- paint.... ohh Colbert Report is on- sweet!".... an hour later..."okay paint time... ohhh the Doctors and they are talking about all you need to know about a man- I'm in"... an hour later.

"Crap- paint."

I walked around in a few more circles and I realized- hmm what am I so scared/lazy about?

I made my way to my easel downstairs with a bucket of water. I took a photograph that I took in high school. It was an isolated form image of a canvas tarp from the side of the road in Mendocino. This photograph was the first image I ever shot, developed, and printed. It is a source of accomplishment- and hopefully a tool of inspiration to paint this afternoon. I stood there, obviously painters block, and started looking at this first image I created. I started thinking about first times. (I know what your thinking.) But first times and having the knowledge to be authentic to an experience- and to gracefully carry through 'you'.

Let me continue... Recently, let's say, a mentor figure stated to me "although you may have been hurt or not taught the skills to stand up for the situation, you managed to own grace and love and come through with an unlearned skill set. Where do you think that it is from- if not from an external teacher?" She was unspeakably implying that, it came from within.

There are too many times I look for skills to become embedded from outside of myself, without recognizing those I bring to the table myself. Values, skills, and love that I too often forget I own and radiate and fill others with. I realized that I would like remember to radiate some of that love back on myself. # 1) I would like to inspire myself today.

I kept looking at that photograph and I began to sketch, I pulled out the palette knife and started spreading paint across the canvas. I made ridges and movement. I kept repeating those mentor words, "where do you think this came from?" And I was able to answer "Me".

Today was a self love radiance moment.
I stood back and said "yes- it's me."

New life and changes

2011-06-16T01:19:00.000-07:00

My best friend's baby was born today. Now she has two healthy sons. What a miracle.

2011-06-05T23:30:00.001-07:00

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."- Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert

Realizing You Got the Power.

2011-05-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_j0vcc70Ig

If we just got together and said "what's happening?" Think of this world.

Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter ... | Video on TED.com

2011-04-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter ... | Video on TED.com

Exactly.

Easter Reflections: Rebirth you bet I believe in rebirth.

2011-04-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

Growing up in the Presbyterian church, I was very familiar with Christian holidays. Easter has the narrative about rebirth, renewal, and new life. I love Easter. I loved Christmas, but Easter was magical for me. Christmas was special, but Easter, it was different. Easter was so much more because the Easter bunny hid all of these magical candies around our orchard and it was my job to find them. It was so active and imaginative. And the process of waking up in my 90's nightgown and squealing at the sight of bright pink eggs in the yard, made my heart sing. Long story short I love Easter for it's nostalgic memories it always highlights in me.

Easter now means so much more to me. When I hear the hot terms of renewal and new life, my heart soars. Yes, I have ties to Christian Ideology and remembering youth. But when I hear rebirth, I am reminded of when I chose life and regrowth of self, over depression and lack of self confidence. Easter reminds me of when I chose to live. As my ten years passed with Alopecia and a second semester with grad school finishes, my theme for year 10 definitely seems to be "gaining".

For 10 years I have mourned over my hair, I have tossed and turned over what would be differently if I just had my hair. It was loss, it was trauma, and I was grieving. But as this 10 year passed, I realized I didn't need to cry for my loss. I realized I wanted to acknowledge the gains I had in my life. I wanted to push my self to new heights to realize that this doesn't have to be about overcoming grief the rest of my life but about celebrating in the grace of gaining.

I realized that I could remember my struggle, but it could also be about celebrating life. Celebrating a new story and all of the gains I have had in my life (from friendships to travel to accomplishments). My friend, Cynthia, dear sister and wine tasting partner suggested to me, that this year, maybe I start thinking about my anniversary more about the things that have come in my life for the better since I lost my hair. I then had a professor pull me aside and tell me, "I see your going through the theme of loss in your work [an art book about human sexuality and what that means to me], I see where you may be or was, but maybe it's time to think about the ways you can find gains in your life, because you deserve that." With my friend, professor, and my housemate encouraging us to go skiing over my anniversary weekend (which was definitely a new experience for me), It has been a transformation in my thinking that my hair-"loss" is just an add on to a word, that may come and go, but doesn't have to keep me suffering in grief.

On my tenth anniversary weekend, I sat up at the ski lodge with a bruise on my butt and a beer in hand after my lesson feeling frustrated that I could not get skiing right away, but realizing the accomplishment for pushing myself (and having my friend Stephanie encourage me) to try something new, when deep down I was a little too scared to try a new gaining experience. I expanded my possibilities that things are so much grander than grief. Maybe it was the wind chill from the mountain or a buzz from the beer or a transforming moment, but I left feeling "yes I tried it and that's a big step"- I gained.

So when we talk about Easter. Yeah, I am joyful and thankful for the reminder that I chose to gain life. Renewal- new life- let's talk because I am ready to gain a great new experience. That is what Easter means to me.

A new theme for me to remember: Gaining

2011-04-05T23:39:00.001-07:00

I love it when I state what I need

2011-04-04T09:46:00.001-07:00

Give Love: A Community Art Project

2011-03-19T01:15:00.000-07:00

Give Love: A Community Art Project

2011-03-19T01:08:00.000-07:00

About Art Therapy - Gretchen Miller, MA, ATR-BC

Self Disclosure

2011-03-03T00:13:00.001-08:00

Self disclosure and Alopecia and being a therapist. To tell the story or not to. Our class the other evening was about self disclosure as a therapist and it got me to thinking about how I self disclose and how much. I easily self disclose, and I realize that I want to be an advocate for change by using personal narrative but is it "change for community"? Or is it a need to voice who I am- to prove my "existence" and presence? As a future therapist I want to make sure I find appropriate self care as well as outlets to share my story. Tying in my story/ self disclosing with clients only when see fit that would benefit the clients work/ treatment. I have to remember that, I could see how easy it would be to have the client's story personally relate with yours- and want to shout excitedly back "oh me too! me too. I know how you feel!" But understanding and allowing the person to be in the room with what they are going through can be a beautiful process, sight, and testimony to mental/ emotional healing.

I have been thinking about thesis work as well. I have the words: Alopecia and art therapy bouncing in my head. I was discussing with my counselor about my concern for writing a thesis around Alopecia, would be A) Personal bias and B) Is it a need to do this to figure out something on my journey of healing? Or is this something of research towards change to affect positively on my community? And I guess the fact I am aware of personal bias in this is a good thing. But I want to remember if I write and research on Alopecia, find the personal meaning to it, cherish it- but don't let my personal journey of hair loss stop the possibility to help awareness, to change the system- that needs to be changed especially when it comes to medical care costs and Alopecia Areata.

Thirdly, I watched The King's Speech last night. AMAZING! I see why it won awards. It was so much more than a man with a speech impediment it was about something everyone must find: their voice. I loved it- I recommend it.

Wait for something better, wait for it Heather

2011-02-03T00:00:00.001-08:00

Lyrics by Killers: This is your life....
"Wait for something better
No one behind you
Watching your shadows
You gotta be stronger than the story
Don't let it blind you
Rivers of shadow
This feeling wont go

And the sky is full of dreams
But you don't know how to fly
I don't have a simple answer
But I know that I could answer
Something better

This feeling won't go

Wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it
Wait for it "

As I look up from my computer I look at my poster of Glide's Terms of Faith and Resistance...
1) Gain control over my life
2) Tell the World my Story
3) Stop lying
4) Be honest with myself
5) Accept who I am
6) Feel my real feelings
7) Feel my pain
8) Forgive myself
9) Practice rebirth: A new life
10) Live my spirituality
11) Support and love my brothers and sisters

How important it is to remember these things. As I was driving home from school, I listened to the Killers, "This is my life". And wow- WOW. "Wait for it [Heather] wait for it....You gotta be stronger than the story-Don't let it blind you." Ten years now passed with my hair loss and I look into these terms of faith and resistance and I realize how much I was tested/ I tested myself even in this past year. Ten Years and cheers to new beginnings, to letting the old go. I don't want to forget a thing about these past ten years and in that I want to remember those 11 things above. I realize that not only do I hold cultural judgments and ideologies of hair loss from society, but I have a negative self talk about my role in society. I realize that I hold a personal responsibility to break the story of stereotypes. I have to be stronger than the story. I have dreams, goals, and big ideas for something better for my community. For a while (off and on) I got/get caught up with "I am a bald woman" and "What's the bald woman to do". But I think my professor wrote it just right "you are learning how to transition from Heather the bald woman to Heather becoming Heather that also has hair loss." So many people have told me that prior to this but I feel like I am just hitting the tip of the ice berg of Heather standing in Heather's shoes not Heather as the bald woman.

On my facebook, I set my status as "10 years, we've come a long way baby" It's funny to think I set my tone of 10 years of hair loss as a milestone, a golden mark, a set sail to new adventures, since for so long it was a death, a long cold winter, slowly showing bits and pieces of the spring. It is a steady relationship pushing me, sculpting me to try to have better confidence, self understanding, and self love. Let's celebrate in all trials and triumphs, today is a day to celebrate and to say Practice Rebirth: A New Life.

Let's bring change, let's take responsibility over life, let's be stronger than the story and look forward dancing. Get ready world here comes Heather.

Letting go of the halfsies

2010-12-24T00:21:00.000-08:00

Recently, I have been thinking: about ache and letting go of the past. I was rereading a journal I keep adding to. It is a journal created by Sabrina Ward Harrison. An awesome journal artist that collaborates wise words and space for you to vent, tell your story, etc. If interested here is her website, to me it's drool worthy...

http://www.sabrinawardharrison.com/ee/

Anyway- I have been having dreams about grief, loss, and ache... And I think it is about letting go. So here is the entry by Sabrina Ward Harrison that struck me tonight, yet again, like many times before...

"Ache
the toppling over, the feeling that something vital is disintegrating, the stuck in the muck feeling, seeping out at the edges- oh- I want to twist away from these loneliness. There seems to be no place for it in the swirling world around me. All this sadness and unexpressed parts. We can end up carrying all this sadness and unexpressed bits of ourselves if we don't speak up, spill open, and be truly as we are.

I am learning that loving all the way can ache and sting but loving halfway doesn't keep us safe, it leaves us with a hope that could never live out loud. Let yourself pour forward and be a place for your ache to rest." (p 53, The True and the Questions)

So I am learning to love all the way and to not take halfsie love as sufficient. For self, partner, and community I wanna love and have love in return all the way. Release, let go... and time to pour forward.

Letting things go.

2010-12-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

What a week

2010-11-18T23:50:00.000-08:00

Last night an interesting conversation came up at my support group meeting for Alopecia Areata. "Where are the psychological resources for this experience of hair loss". Really interesting input about Alopecian's experiences with psychologists and therapy in general. I was really excited to hear about the resources that the conference has to offer, as well as the every other month support group. But I left feeling- where are the specialists???... and not just in injections and the medical knowledge- but the counselors that someone with Alopecia can go to seek support and a space to be able to say the good, the bad, the light hearted, and the heavy emotions that arise.

I see this notion of a "specialist" in different ways. First, if the counselor/ psychologist does not have Alopecia- how can they at all relate? Secondly, the counselor can act as that refuge from the storm- which I think was closest to what I felt when I first lost my hair.

When I lost my hair- I didn't want to go and be in it. I wasn't ready to be in my community of Alopecia Areata. So I avoided the conference even though it was in San Francisco. I couldn't quite explain it to my peers in fear they would think of it as too scary or depressing. My family was too close to home. And that left me feeling very alone on the foggy coast. Now, I need to note when I say alone, I don't mean "oh woe- I am alone- so depressed- no one understands." I went to different people in my life for different sources of strength. I went to friends to try to retain normalcy at 16 (AKA awkward puberty, pranks and saying "I'm bored" and finding some random place to "go cruising"). I went to family to either try to remain a teen wanting to rebel, or appreciating my home/ farm as a place to express and go bare (bare- not meaning earthy woman gardening topless, bare meaning going bald). I went to my sister for a big sis that would listen to how I felt my baldness affected my relationships. I became close with my sister again after I lost my hair because she gave me a sense that I can preserver through this challenge. I remember my mom saying "this too shall pass- this too shall pass" At the time I thought "yeah fucking right mom- will it- will it?!?! And you know the baldness didn't pass but the insecurity, the loss of hope to rebuild my life, to feel fully human- it passed. This may sound a bit melodramatic- because I have heard from myself and so many others- "it's just hair" But in the long run- it changes you. It's not just hair. It is the experience. This bald experience pushed me to become something I did not know I had the strength to become.

But getting back to the point of therapists... there wasn't a space carved out in my social network or family that I could say, frankly, the fucked up thoughts that went through my head. I went to a counselor, because I had to talk it out in a safe space and I was so lucky that I had a therapist, although she did not have Alopecia, allowed me a safe space to talk, for myself. The fucked up thoughts didn't have to spin in circles in my head, they were out in a room- laid down on a table- and I was able to look at them, go over them, see the power they had over me, and let them go. So not as a hopeful one-day therapist but as an alopecian who had self doubt, who had self hate, and who had a low sense of self confidence- Counseling saved my life, and got me going where I needed to go.

As for the Psychologist Alopecian specialist- it should exist- it needs to exist. But wow think of all of the possibilities to come. When I lost my hair 10 years ago, NAAF seemed smaller. Now look at it. Most importantly the friendships and the support from truely authentic individuals learning how to live like the rest of the world. Learning how to take steps and learning to "just breathe". I hope that with my vocational choice I can carve out a little room, not as a specialist- but as an art therapist to have the tools to give to others to help themselves and give a helping hand to someone else in need. A cyclical process each growing along and within each other. It's getting late- and I think I hit Maya Angelou status in metaphor and motivation with my writing. Here is something to chew over... it Alopecian's, friends of mine, or random encounter onto this space. Keep growing, keep walking, and utilize any resources that are possible for you to grow into, and embrace your beautiful bad ass self.

Hydrating in the community

2010-11-15T01:11:00.000-08:00

Today was an excellent day. I became a member of Glide! And my friend at this lovely community said... you join something when you know it's right. The right time. Two things have been going through my head. Where are the communities of social support? Identify them and cherish them. Secondly, this first semester has been a trial of understanding schedules- work loads- a new chapter. I realized that in my non-routine schedule for the first half of the semester I found my self lost- and I'll even admit a bit down in the dumps, until I drive over the bridge on my way to school- I am happy and alive. In love with a vocation that I feel it is calling me to let evolve how ever it does so.

But it was like clockwork- morning time- fill my time with computer as distraction- then feelings of "oh I gatta do something" so I then finally after walking around in circles. I do a little work- "not enough". I get ready for school- I get in my car and for the first half of my commute all my head can hear is "shoulda woulda coulda" "If I had not slacked I would on my game with school work" "If I just did this differently- things wouldn't have turned out the way they did." "Man heather you always do this." Then the fastrack booth- it beeps, and I go flying through, almost a rebirth- reminding me that I should not beat my self up- self affirmations that say "Heather you are great- love yourself today" as for the to do list.... baby steps, keep walking and baby steps. I cross the bridge and I wonder why do I have this thought routine everyday? I am tired of it. And I want a change. What are my sources of strength. Art, writing, support systems and community, physical exercise, and school. what are those baby steps to get my to do list done. And how can I pat myself on the back when I do those steps?

I headed to Glide today- because in all of the business of figuring out schedules, read, art assess, and so forth... I realized that I was lacking... my community. And I realize like dehydration- eventually you need to drink and be in it with others. Just as Glide is that for me, my Alopecia support group community- I cherish it- and I am really happy the support group meeting is coming soon. Also another, is the housemate I am feeling such support and authenticity with my program, my bouncing off the walls when on caffeine or when I having romantic issues. She checks me- yet cares- and even just let's me vent.

I feel like we all need communities to check each other- to hydrate- to drink. To be nourished from each others conversation, laughter, or sorrow. And Glide specifically is a methodist church- but it's much broader- it's about feeling nurtured yet told straight up what's up. I think everyone needs that beyond a church's walls. In the street, in the classroom, in the breakroom, in the local coffee shop. Who or what do you go to check yourself? What image or object is there for you to say "hey I am no longer going to say I am not good enough today. Today I am doing 1, 2, and 3 and that ain't bad. And I am doing it awesomely!"

I really enjoyed myself at Glide today because I realize I was able to check myself, the world around me, and receive and give a little love. I hydrated today and boy did it feel good.

Oh and I went to Ikea- and ikea is always good. Hint: frozen yogurt is amazing in the cafe. I would have to say that is my disney land.

New job bringing up new/ old insecurities

2010-11-12T23:03:00.000-08:00

Baseball hats. Put one on when I first lost my hair- no thank you- not my style I guess. For some reason I feel like the baseball cap is an arrow to my difference. Bald woman walking here. But bare- I guess it's just out there. It's there- I'm bare- and walk on. So this point out of difference (the hat) was a choice I said no to a long time ago- baseball caps are just not my thing.

But now a new job is requiring a baseball cap as part of the uniform. My interview was like a ballet- graceful, smooth, and beautiful. I bagged the job. Then "okay here you go Heather here is your hat you will be wearing" and although this is protocol of the company for all associates- my heart sunk and my pulse rose. Here protocol was getting the best of my avoidance to state the obvious. I am bald.

I left bearing a grin, thankful for the job, but also repeating "Heather you can do this you can do this". I went home and looked in the mirror for a while with my new head wear... and you know not so bad. Maybe it was the braces that I had before that threw my identity, femininity, and girly charm out the window. Or the acknowledgement that the initial hair loss is a form of trauma, a breakdown (maybe minor myabe big- but it changes you) I also realized at that moment how much my face has changed since that first time when wearing a baseball cap. I realized I looked "woman": that has been happening a lot in the past few years... I am bald and I look woman.

After losing my hair I felt I went to unwanted androgyny, and the question "if I lose my hair am I really less of a woman?"

But going back to face changes. It's amazing- still my spark- still my eyes-still my soul shinning through... but my face looks different, I feel a little more ownership of my face, my body. And I don't mean narcissistic looks at beauty in the mirror, but a new exclamation, identification, ownership of my body.

I have to admit it was a bit hard to wear my hat today at a training- because I have built my identity around story telling of my experience to relate to others. Maybe it's time for me, my personality to shine, maybe I don't always have to be the storyteller, or the Jane Goodall elaborating on the behavior of the bald. Maybe it's time for me to just be me, I have it, own it.

I realize that I am tested with this hat, but I also know that I will keep walking- and shine on. Shine on shine on.

Intuition/ gut sometimes needs to be your voice of reason.

2010-10-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no"
-Mumford & Sons
Winter winds

Richard Carolan quote from class

2010-10-17T23:51:00.000-07:00

"Who shows up for therapy, what shoes do you wear as a therapist? Afterall, the shoes hold your feet, in which you stand."- R.C.

2010-09-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

it's a little sad when you search blackberry in google images- and all you get is the phone... I want a real blackberry darnit.

Summer thoughts

2010-09-10T21:44:00.000-07:00

Mendocino
Each day
meat
fog
child's play
sleep
meat
fog
child's play
sleep

Paint- don't ever forget the paint

This summer- was about defining myself in old spaces in new ways. I had surprisingly a life changing experience in Mendocino. I learned a little about loving, a little about hurting, and a little bit about having a good time in a space I avoided for a while. All of the sudden Mendocino was mine again. I was standing there, not someone Else's impression, not something Else's systematic ways of identity. It was Heather a sandwich, and running on the beaches with a three year old.

But to Mention: the famous MENDOCINO BLACK HOLE THEORY.... once your there your there, you never leave, the culture sucks you in. I saw it- it exists- and I see the alluring power of it. I won't lie I questioned my choice of grad school while I was there. The isolation of the foggy town- really makes the small town attitude into small world- what goes on- is your choices- it's easy to lose sight to the other possibilities in life. This is no dis on the town- it's a setup- it's a role- it's a community, a strong community- there are systems- there are roles that are expected to keep it strong.

Another thing- would I move back to Mendocino- yes- definitely I would.

I won't lie- it's hard dating in Mendocino- there is limited "resources" and culturally a hello is a head nod and a hustle by-men speak up- we don't bite, say hello... Speak up women- say hello- converse- men don't bite either. It's set up that a nod is a conversation and it's expected that the other knows what that means exactly- maybe it's expected to know- but sorry I missed that memo.

I fell for someone/ something because it was conversation- it was exciting- it was intrigue, but when it got down to it- I couldn't support his ventures- and I was in the wrong- apparently. So I needed to leave because I knew I needed something better. I needed something that could walk with me.

Sum up: "I can be with your pain- but I can't carry it- that is your journey"

That was a big realization for me this summer. I realized that to express pain- I need to take ownership over it, I invite others as support to walk with me in it.... but never to carry it- ownership it is mine- it is my responsibility to work through it- to carry it, to shed it, to be rejuvenated by a lessening weight.

I walk in a little more peace because of that small town, I learned a lot this summer, I learned to apply the love, and self empowering systems that support has been telling me to do.

I learned from the good the bad, and today- tomorrow I will get knocked down- but we keep getting up because there is an obligation to self- own your pain because you are the only one that can work through it. I am feeling good.

Although- money's tight- gotta find a job- worried about how am I going to do this grad school year in three years- it seems like forever... but step by step--- sing it Whitney Houston

(note to self- charge shuffle) haha

I am intrigued about what's to come.

Currently listening to:
Nicki Minaj
B.O.B.
and James Taylor- I know random.

2010-08-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

"The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved, loved for ourselves, or rather loved in spite of ourselves". Victor Hugo

2010-08-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope

excerpt

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd

Playground rules 101

2010-07-02T00:30:00.000-07:00

Since losing my hair, the one place that has continually been a struggle to go and keep my head high, bald and proud, shinning and beaming... is the playground.

Maybe some sort of structured social system is built into each twist of static plastic, always in good spirit but with a bit of a bite. As a child the playground has always been a historical site of intrepedation. And even as a almost 25 year old woman... my knees start to quake when I think bald woman in playground.

What will the kids think? How will I handle the child yelling monster from above the plastic molded castle, or the kids go upwards the slide- thinking why does she have no hair?

Yes these insecurities exist- I am not going to say they don't. I think these things. And it's good to write it down.

I experienced the playground the other day, while taking a friend's little son to the park with his mom.

"She doens't have hair and it is funny"

The father of the 7ish year old boy quickly says "hush hush- that's not nice." (I am glad he spoke up)

I responded with "It must be funny- because you do not see it often- right? But a woman can be bald- and that can be okay too."

and then as I am minding my own business day dreaming on the swings... watching my friend and her son have an adorable swing moment (trying to tame my biological clock..."ohhh I want one... not now heather not now... but one day... kids are so cute...)

"WOW YOU DON'T HAVE HAIR!"

I mother joyfully announces across the playground...

(no shit sherlock)

We have cheerful chat about Alopecia.... "ALO what?"

She ended up being a bit of a neurotic north coast lively mom- but hey where would we be without the characters right?

By the end of the playground expedition I felt a bit wiped. Not mad, or sad, or anxious (like had been in playground situations in the past) I was just wiped out. There are times I like to hold my head high. But I notice- it's that damn playground... I still gatta say... it will be okay.

And amazingly enough I have to remember... kids= play and attention and compassion= me and I am proud of it- what ever I look like and what ever conversations I have to face. Like tides- they're going to be high/ low/ rough/ calm. I it's about playing. It's about saying... at least I played.

I will try again with the playground and try to remember what I wrote, and what I am feeling that... it is okay to play.

2010-06-07T23:37:00.001-07:00

Oh, we're actually very different, ergo one of a kind. But together we form some kind of strange mass of "wtf" which IS one of a kind. Dark

Horoscope

2010-06-05T16:25:00.001-07:00

"You could feel safe enough today to express feelings that you have been keeping to yourself, subsequently making you vulnerable to the feedback you receive. Unfortunately, a close friend or family member may be overly judgmental, sending you into an emotional tailspin. But don't waste time indulging negativity because something good will come from your openhearted disclosure. Be patient; it might take a few days for the positive results to manifest."

Ohh please let this manifest soon....

2010-05-15T23:50:00.000-07:00

Feel much better now.

Being in community. There is something about that- that is special, sincere, and awesome.

Thanks for grounding me.

Frustration tonight-Shit or get off the pot. I'm a changin- times a changin- to get with it or get out.

2010-05-14T23:34:00.001-07:00

The sooner they realize i am not the same person, the better for their health. I wish they would realize that. I can't stand when people pinpoint me as something- the true me has been in me- I AM- and it's been waiting to be free. People get scared when they see a confident woman- because it changes it up- it goes against a norm that needs to be destroyed. Patterns and roles in relationships were really on the table tonight- and because I shook it up- people can't handle it- No longer will I be the quiet one- calming the storm. No longer will I say- I am not good enough.

I am. I have worked really really hard to get today- and I think- I THINK I deserve at least 1/2 an acre to feel my pain with hairloss, to express my pain- and to say this sucks- but I am trying.

I'm not asking for "you got it girl" or "you are perfect" or "you are on top of it"

But how about "I see where your walking, it must be really difficult- but I still see you walking. Could I advise this this or this- it may be helpful- let me give you space to talk about it- and I will listen."

If only some people could see the little steps and moments that arise- that help build me for future dreams.

Life plans- what's your next step? This and that-bla.

I know I don't have everything figured out- But am trying to the best of my abilities right now.

Feeling frustrated and defeated- But I will not let that take my power. Sorry- try again next time.

It's like that beatles song, Black Bird....

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

The post right before...

2010-05-11T20:42:00.001-07:00

Mother's Day- wow- good to hear the proclamation versus hallmark. Thanks to Karen Oliveto's sermon at Glide memorial chuch- it was real- it was place-setting for me to have a deeper understanding of celebration of the mother-wow.

Mother's Day Proclamation by Julia Ward Howe - Mother's Day History

2010-05-11T20:40:00.000-07:00

http://womenshistory.about.com/od/howejwriting/a/mothers_day.htm

by Julia Ward Howe
Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,
Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

2010-05-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

And life goes on.

It felt good
to close the book
to say end.

To say se la vie
And look straight ahead.

Heather Curtis' Sermon at Glide Memorial Church 4/25/10

2010-05-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

OPEN: with the words of Kirk Franklin from More than I Can Bear
---------
I've gone through the fire
And I've been through the flood
I've been broken into pieces
Seen lightnin' flashin' from above
But through it all
I remember
That He loves me
And He cares
And He'll never put more on me
Than I can bear

What I was most excited about while speaking at Glide was to say:
“Do you hear me?” And “Oh honey-I hear you.” “Do you see me?” “Oh honey- I see you.” We hear and see each other today at Glide and thank goodness.

So here we go. Hearing and Seeing one another…

I grew up in Mendocino, California- a small foggy “village” on the coast.
At age 15, it was time for me to become an in-de-pen-dent wo-man, also known as…
I was going to get my driver’s license.

Now keep in mind, Mendocino (population 1000)… for driver’s education classes the teens had to go over the hill to the metropolis of Ukiah. (Population: 15,000). So not only did this mean- I was becoming an independent woman, it also meant I was going to be introduced to new people, a broader range of ideas… and…
Cough
Boys.
So as expected, while learning how to do left hand turns in my class, I decided to use this to my advantage. After all, I saw body language being used all over the place, on T.V. and magazine articles of “HOW TO GET YOUR MAN!”
SO…
I put on my pretend blinker then… I swiped my hand through my hair, hoping to get a glimpse of the cute Ukiah boys behind me.
My hand went through my locks, and I felt- yes I got it I got it- they want me they…
My hand stopped to find a bare patch of hair missing at the nape of my neck.

In confusion, I thought “okay okay” try again…
(the magazines said this would work- so it must-right?)
so turned on my imaginary blinker again, and ruffled my hair up, flipping, and doing a dance a bird would do to attract their mate.
But same results, my fingertips stopped at that bald spot.

I kept my finger on that spot for a long time,
and at that moment- the boys behind me fell far away.
I couldn’t connect to what it meant to be a woman in the social cues I had learned.
My life was troubled and far from the reality I thought I knew.

I felt shameful of the blotch of hair missing. I moved from Girl to Woman to Bald.

I was no longer becoming a woman but someone with Alopecia Areata, an autoimmune disease. My hair loss made me disabled in terms of what I thought femininity was, and I thought I was a liability to life.

It was one month after my driver’s education class that my head went from one bald spot to one patch of hair. I decided to shave off the last bits. And although there was liberation with shaving my head, I had an attachment to the last bits of hair…

“if I just hold on to these scraps of hair- I will get it back. Heather will still be here.”

The photo above is the day I shaved my head 9 years ago. This photo haunted me because it was a reminder that the Heather Curtis that was suppose to be living up to “femininity” was now stuck and having to carry on with this difference. I thought I was weak- I didn’t believe in the spirit in me that could carry me through, lift me up, and encourage others along the way.
My difference was a marker that I was not willing to bear.
After a year of being bald, I questioned: “Why me God? Why me?” My anger raged and I was a step away from wanting to end my life.

I needed to come to terms with my difference. The only thing I knew to stay safe and protect my life was to pray it out.

Praise is what I do
Even when I’m going through
See I've learned
To worship you
Know my circumstance
Doesn't even stand a chance!
Cause my praise… outweighs….the bad

In prayer the storm passed over and I felt a distinct clarity.
My clarity taught me about injustices of women, of body, of spirit. I learned that self-hate would only lead disability to liability. What I needed was my disability to become empowerment. I realized that the disease I thought that was holding me back was actually a journey to find my spirit again, to find my voice, to shout out: YOUR DISABILITY DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A LIABILITY ANY LONGER. YOUR STORY IS POWER, VOICE IT- BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE SPIRIT WILL BE CALLING YOU TO DO.

Check it- Third grade- Art history lesson. And Christina’s world, by Andrew Wyeth pops up. My teacher states, “She is disabled and longing to get to where she’s going, yet she is stuck in that moment.”

After my hair loss, Christina sang to me. Here is a woman stuck in the isolation of her disability, she longingly looks to the house. And what I am most struck with is a feeling that she just wants to voice it out. Christina wants to tell her story, she wants to get where she’s going because she knows it’s something good.

When I first lost my hair- this painting was about commiserating Christina’s isolation, and wishful ideas. “Will I ever get back to home, to safety, to a place where my disability is not a liability. Will I ever be comfortable again in my own skin?”

But today, Christina is more that just the ability to say- I dream. But this is a painting living out the struggle that WE ALL go through to find ourselves. And to see where and what we are being called to do by God. I know that our chains in our disabilities can have the transformative power to become something mightier than liability, shame, and discomfort. Our disabilities, our differences have the power to make waves, to make change- sustainable change. We have the power to speak about such values that Glide wants to see in this world: RADICAL INCLUSION. TRUTH TELLING. LOVE AND HOPE. WE ARE FOR THE PEOPLE. AND WE CELEBRATE LIFE.
Shake the chains that say we are not good enough; let us sing out our story! Let us transform chains of liability into empowerment!
Philippians 1:12- 14
Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly.

Paul writes in Phillippians about his imprisonment. He talks about how his chains of difference, are used as liability against him, but because of his voice and the collectivity of other voices, ripples are taking affect- change is coming! Disability and difference are no longer risks, but living out a call from God. It is living transformative possibilities, and today we have the ability to take our difference and make it ripple in our work, in our families, in our communities, and in ourselves.

This past year, I was walking down Ellis Street and a man asked me “can you help me?”
I responded “no- sorry sir- no change.”
I kept walking, but did a glance back, to see a man with casts on his hands, trying to zip his jacket.
“Heather he needed help. He needed help.”
I assumed who he was because of his difference and disability- and I was in the wrong and I realized the possibility for change and for connection. Stories can be told, and there can be empowerment in our difference.

I turned around and I ended up having one of the best conversations with this man, talking about difference, talking about overcoming our challenges. I shared my story of hair loss, and he shared his story of life. We both experienced a spiritual uplift and a calling to voice our story.

We all have a calling to voice our story.

No longer is my difference holding me back, no longer is my difference going to tell me I am not good enough.
Own my difference.
Own your difference.
Love my difference.
Love your difference.
Difference as deliverance.

My blotches
Alopecia- there is no hiding the blotches of hair
slowly oozing and leaking from my follicles.
And somehow- this leaking is shame,
somehow this leaking of hair is a loss of the sacred
and somehow loss of humanity
my bald head somehow resembles the loss of the "I am" somebody.

No more!
My spots are precious.
My spots are my story.
My spots are like seasons, they come and go.
They weave in and out
to make the complexity of life a little more manageable.
My spots are mine!

No more will my leaking and oozing of hair be my shame.
It will be more like a graceful leaf falling from that tree in autumn,
Only to come again as something else.
Something new.
Something that makes me feel alive and sing.

No more will I call myself ugly for the things I lack.
No longer will I make my grief…hurt.
No longer will I feel like I am giving something up if I shave off my locks.
No longer will I feel the sacred as being shaved away.
The sacred is in me
I am
and I love my spots.
Here, there, everywhere.
My spots now and forever
are mine.
-------------------------
If I could do one thing in this world for healing, for strength, it would be to say:
you have it
you rock it
you voice it.
Your words are power.
Those words of story will bring you to call. Your story will bring you to spirit. The spirit will take your liability of disability away, you will be able to stand, you will be able to speak. Your chains will ripple in the voices and lives of others. Our brothers and sisters will seek the radical inclusion, truth telling, love and hope, and celebration that this planet deserves. We celebrate life here at Glide because it is time to tell.

It’s time to get up Christina and get were your going
It’s time to get up Heather and get were your going
It’s time for you to get up and get were your going
It’s time for EVERYBODY to get up to get were your going
Because the thing that holds you back is no longer a liability
Because the thing that holds you back will not take away your spirit.
AMEN.

Maya Angelou- And Still I rise

2010-04-21T13:10:00.001-07:00

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

2010-04-20T16:09:00.000-07:00

Bringing the word

and

showing my call

I am acting like that is two different things. It is the same. We need to live it.

Ahh.

one in the same one in the same.

2010-04-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

Had to practice a little humility today at work. Ouch.

If it's goina go- GO!

2010-03-25T21:46:00.000-07:00

I am at the bits and pieces stage with my Alopecia. So it started with a lake of bare scalp, and extended to oceans and continents. Now- water world of baldness, with a small island. Hell, if my head is like this, I might as well be as isolated on an island- Hawaii here I come with a bowl of poke and coconut juice- yum yum. Alopecia- there is no hiding the blotches of hair slowly oozing and leaking from my follicles. And somehow- this leaking is shame, somehow this leaking of hair as a loss of the sacred and somehow loss of humanity- loss of the "I am" somebody.

No more,

My spots are precious.
My spots are story.
My spots are like my seasons, they come and go.
They weave in and out to make the complexity of life around a little more manageable.
My spots are mine.

No more will my leaking and oozing of hair be shame.
It will be more like a graceful leaf falling from that tree in autumn,
Only to come again as something else.

No more will I call myself ugly for the things I lack.
No longer will I make my grief hurt.
No longer will I feel like I am giving something up if I shave off my locks.
No longer will I feel the sacred as being shaved away.
The sacred is in me
I am
and I love my spots
Here, there, everywhere.
My spots now and forever are mine.

2010-03-25T21:16:00.001-07:00

"Love is when you look into someone's eyes and go all the way inside, to their soul and you both know... instantly." Angela Chase "My So Called Life"

2010-02-23T22:15:00.000-08:00

I am loving painting furniture these days!

thoughts and memories

2010-02-22T14:16:00.000-08:00

Alopecia Thoughts and Memories:

I lost my hair when I was 15 1/2. So I never actually knew what it was like to be a kid with Alopecia. But Here are some thoughts of pressures and experiences from my teenage years as a Bald girl going onto becoming a bald woman.

I grew up in Mendocino, California- a small foggy “village” on the coast. When 15, it was time for me to become a woman- an independent woman. I was going to get my driver’s license which meant I could drive towards my successful future. For driver’s education classes the teens had to go over the hill to the metropolis of Ukiah (population 15,500). So not only did this mean- I was becoming a woman and independent, it also meant I was going to be introduced to new people, a broader range of people...

Cough...

Boys.

So as expected, while learning how to do left hand turns, I decided to use this to my advantage. I put my pretend blinker on, then based out of my body language I had learned to attract a mate, I swiped my hand through my hair. I had seen this done around me in television, other women, and magazine articles of “how to get your man”.
My hand went through my locks, and I felt- "yes I got it I got it- they want me they…"

My hand stopped to find a bare patch.

In confusion, I thought okay try again- so turned on my imaginary left blinker again, and ruffled my hair up, flipping, and doing a dance a bird would do to attract their mate. Same results, my finger tips stopped at the bald spot.

I kept my finger on that spot for a while, and at that moment- the boys fell far away from me, I couldn’t connect to what it meant to be a woman in the social cues I had learned. And I knew at that point my life was troubled and far from the reality I thought I knew.

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That is a piece I might read at Glide sometime, but thought I would share with you my first noticing of bald patches.

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Days of the Hats:
It was the first two weeks in December that I noticed the bare spots. Right after the driver's license classes, I started waking up with my pillow covered in hair. Almost, like a pillow case made of hair. In the shower, I was easily able to pull handfuls of hair out. I wasn't so worried the first week, but I then had to tell my mom- "I noticed am losing a lot of hair- it's probably what I had in fifth grade- right?"

In fifth grade, I lost a quarter sized spot of hair, near the nape of my neck (the same spot where I lost the first patch at 15). My mom- everyday would treat it with vitamin e, and aloe vera- thinking that it was a skin sensitivity to shampoos. The hair grew back in about 3 months and I didn't think about it. My friends never knew about it because it was easily hidden.

So I assumed- okay mom- get the vitamin e out- let's do this again. But by christmas 50% of my hair was gone. By the 1st- I had less then 1/4 of my hair. And by January 26th, I had a few strands. Socially- I hid. I didn't want to go out, I wanted to isolate myself. I felt like I was sick and I was possibly dying, and the doctors just didn't know why, but I wasn't and my dermatologist didn't know at first that I had Alopecia. It wasn't until the second or third visit that he said- ohh new research says there is this disease called "Alopecia" I wore hats to school. People were wondering why I was always wearing hats. I was a student teacher in my old elementary school, teaching effective nonviolent communication to 3rd and 5th graders. The kids always called me hat girl- why do you always wear hats? I always just replied with it's winter and cold.

But by the 26th, my two best friends- enouraged me to shave the rest off. I didn't want to at first and had to take convincing, because I felt if I kept those strands, I didn't lose everything. Which was an equivalent for- if I kept the strands- I would not lose all of my self, of what I knew of my identity.

But alas, I shaved it off. I have a picture of me getting my head shaved- and as much as I hated that picture- brace faced, nervous, and obviously looking in pain. I use to think that was now who I was. Ugly, a nervous wreck, and full of pain. I now see that picture and I realize how far I have come with self, social identity, and the work I have done for empowerment. I use it as a tool for hope- and a reminder of all the work I still have to do in myself and my community. (I will try to send you a copy).

So after I shaved- remember falling asleep at my friends house- trying to rehearse- what am I going to tell my parents- how am I going to tell my parents? I awoke the next day, sleepy eyed, sat up from my friends bed, she had a mirror across the room. I remember seeing myself- and being spooked- thinking someone else was in the room. When I looked in that mirror I was conviced I was a monster- I was gone.

For the next year I wore hats. The first few days- there were a bunch of rumors going around- where is Heather's hair- why does she always wear those hats? Is Heather sick? The year of the hats drove me crazy because it was hot, itchy, and plain socially uncomfortable. It was the following summer I started wearing scarves.
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Bad tans

Once I started wearing scarves, it was known- I was bald. My scarves were like my attachment blankets. I couldn't go anywhere without my scarf. I had a special way to tie it on, in every color you could think of, but I prefered neautral tones. I felt that neutral tones- earthy colors- I could hide more easily- I wasn't bald girl with scarf, I could blend more easily then. I feel like those neutral colors really represented what I was feeling on the inside- battling with a feeling of lack of self, a monster, guilty and shameful that I thought I did something to bring this on.

It was the during a summertime I realized the joke in having such a great attachment to a scarf. It came from a bad tan in Red Bluff. Red as a beet face, with a bright white scalp.

The final stage of coming out bald was when I was with my friend- we walked to the post office- I completely forgot I was not wearing anything, we made it half way there, I realized- paniced and wanted to go home. My friend said no- we are not walking back. I remember being so mad at her for not letting us go back- why is she making me do this? The world is looking at me!

She stopped me and looked me straight in the eye and said. "No one is looking- you are fine. You aren't going to die by walking to the post office." We continued on. During that walk I swear I thought I saw children falling into doorways, people walking into things, cars swerving, things exploding, I thought I was seeing a catastrophe. I was really quiet and in my mind. Next thing you know- my friend and I were back at her house. I looked down the street- and I realized I had survived. I was okay. And my attachment was gone- the scarves became the object at the bottom of my sock drawer.

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Beauty Parlor 101:

The Curtis' are like an italian family (even though we are half german/ half scottish)- when you go on a trip you take the kitchen sink and the family goat, figurative speech. About a month after shaving my head, my mom said- well I guess we need to get you a wig. I said- "I guess so". So as expected, mom got in the car, dad got in the car, the two dogs, bags of apples for grandpa, the dog beds, our bags, and the rest of our nonsense things that I doubt we needed for me to get a wig. Our four hour trip to San Rafael, Ca turned into an 8 hour leg journey, how usual car trips went for our family.

We pulled into a small parking lot next to an old Victorian in San Rafael- this is where I am going to get my wig? Is it at someone's house. We made our way in to the nicely restored home to find a waiting room much like a dentist office. And I don't know about you but when I am in the waiting room of a dentist office- my blood pressure rises- pain is usually involved and I wanted to get the hell out of there. The secretary gave us insurance papers to fill out.

I looked around searching for the red checkered 1950's floor, the hair curling and drying machines, the fumes of hair dye, and women named ronda or vonda telling the latest gossip from the town. All I saw was magazines stating "cancer and you", "aging and you", "golf weekly", and insurance papers- stating what is your need? Is it cosmetic of medical?

A couple in their 70's came out and I heard them say- "poor child- she is so young" they gazed at me and I could see they were processing my death from cancer. The secretary called me "Heather, we're ready for you."

I got into a the room of wigs, oddly to my surprise- the room was decorated very similar to a young girls bed room with a vanity table, curling irons, scissors, and, wigs on maniquin lined the walls. The woman, was sweet and said "let's find you something fun." I knew I was in the twilight zone at that point and would have not been surprised if killer clowns were going to pop out.

For about two hours- she trimmed, tucked, and styled a wig. And finally all I saw in my the mirror was a girl I didn't like from my high school. All I saw in the mirror was not me. After two hours- I was exhausted- I lied and said- that's it- that's what I want. I looked in the mirror. I was sandra dee from grease. They gave me a moment and I said Hi sandra- this is me.

I got back to my grandfathers house, my mom said- why don't you wear the wig to dinner- I said yeah I guess so- I went to the restroom- put it on- I looked at myself in disbelief- where is Heather- where am I? Who the hell am I? I took the wig off- and told my mom I wasn't wearing it. I never wore it. I felt a little bad- my mom spent so much money on it- but it was always a good part of halloween costumes in the future.

Out of the whole experience with buying a wig- I realized I was not going get the experience of the beauty parlor- there would always be a sphere of twilight zone between me and standard American grooming experience. I was different- and I wasn't going to get the chance to be that woman talking to vonda or ronda about my womenly things and happenings of town. I was separate from that experience.

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Socially- I heard rumors of concern for me from my peers: Is Heather sick? Does Heather have cancer? Is Heather, like... dying?

But I remember feeling the pressure of dating.
My friends would tell guys-
"ohh what do you think of my friend Heather?"
"Heather Who?"
"You know taller girl, blue eyes, bald".
"oh yeah the bald chick- she's cool, I guess. Hey Kenny- get me another budlight" (yeah I went to too many tire fire- hick parties- maybe that was the issue haha)

I had a friend that said she felt bad for me that I was bald. "I mean it's going to be hard to find a guy to get over that your bald" (Note: I'm not close with that person anymore)

I had people that said I had demons that were in me. I got from other's that God is punishing me. I also got that I lost my hair to cell phone radiation and wanted me to speak about it.

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The biggest part was my idea of who I was in dating. I didn't date much in high school- was a late bloomer. So A) I wasn't that interested in dating until I hit college- because I was in a different hormonal place as my peers, and most of the boys in my school were either brother status or waste of time status. B) I did really believe that I wasn't worth the time to date- I had built up- like stated in the drivers license story- that getting a man- required certain assets- and if you didn't have that- thought luck- your out of the game. Very Darwin survival of the fittest attitude. Fortunately- that thinking has changed- but I catch my self with self- defeating thoughts at times and have to over correct.

So for a female teen to lose their hair I feel the top three issues was:

1)Identity and Femininity (Do I have to now over-feminize myself too make the point that I am woman?)
2)Dating/ sexual appeal
3) "Coming out" as bald
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I suffered a year long amount of depression. But after the first year, I had a spiritual realization. And the things that got me through was a spirituality, positive encouraging support networks, and art. I began painting and photography- and found it as mediums in which I could escape from my negative thoughts, and then I started using it as a way to voice my pain- and allowed me to start making claims in my identity. It allowed me to explore- "alright now who is this Heather Curtis person- now post hair loss."

Spirituality- I am a big believer and appreciator of all walks of faith. I grew up presbyterian, so the easiest for me was to claim back into a tradition in which I knew. It was extremely challenging because I had a dicotomy of anger towards God- but also this need to have a guiding light, if you want to call it that. I needed a rebirth. (haha - yeah so many jokes of the second coming of christ etc...) But I bagan researching different walks of faith, I got coupled with a youth leader that I could dicuss the bible- and ask "hard questions", she challenged me extremely- we disagreed quite a bit- but I valued her insight because it allowed me to clearly define what I needed in my walk of faith/ spirituality. I am a believer that we got a spirit in us, guiding us, helping us to find reassurance and hope- to work towards love and justice for everybody. I have found a saving grace in my loss. Through spirituality, support, and art.

Support-
Let's just say- I have family issues- that goes into a deeper psychoanalysis of my life- I don't think I will smear that out. But Parents- even though there was the teen angst, family history issues- my parents were there for me like no other. My mom would always say- "this too shall pass"- those were some words that made me survive the first year of my hair loss. My Dad was a huge comfort as well- always reassuring me to keep my eye on the prize of life- and good things will happen- education was the key. My sister and I became friends again because she wanted to be there for me. And I almost have to thank Alopecia for strengthening my relationship with my sister. Friends and family really came together to let me go through it- how ever I needed too.

Later in college I remember a child screaming in a store calling me a monster and that I was scary- it broke my heart that I might upset kids with just being me. But I realize now- poor parenting in that situation, and if I am comfortable with my hair loss- children will be too. And that goes with a lot of life. And not wearing a scarf- when I was cool- the world was cool. And when odd awakenings about my hair loss, or weird encounters with inappropriate comments- I take it with a grain of salt- a deep breath and a laugh to myself- ohh the work yet to be done in my myself and the world, but this too shall pass. And keep moving.

As for Alopecia with younger kids. My first bf in college lost his hair when he was six. He didn't talk about it much, he said- he had his hair back and it was too traumatic to talk about. it was something in the past. Our personalities didn't jive well and broke up 3 months later. But he did state he received teasing.

Also good books for kids experiences with kids with Alopecia Areata is:

Princess Alopecia
And
The Girl with no hair

ALSO- the main website for the National Alopecia Areata foundation is

www.naaf.org

Get ready

2010-02-18T11:23:00.000-08:00

Get ready.

When the cosmos collide- sometimes you can find a clarity in all of the nonsensical ideas- astroids bouncing around. Hmm I would like to do a painting about this. But motivation to paint wears off in a bus ride these days. I get on the bus- I am going to go paint this. By the time I get home it's snack time on zargut and carrots, facebook, and Law and order. Where did my climbing apple trees, carefree arty ways go? Did I leave that behind with childhood. Haha, I think it is still there, but I do have to admit that tv these days have been sucking me in. Favorite shows: The office, V, Law and order, and brothers and sisters. I don't want to admit it but Desparate Housewives has been sucking me in- I deny it though.

I have started counseling again and I have to say- thank goodness. I was leaving there today and I realize, it is so nice to talk with someone to just say it all- and this counselor is awesome that she takes my words and puts it into relation, and context- and it makes me realize so many more things, options for my life than I ever had enter my brain.

Life is a bit up in the air right now, needing more work for money honey. But for some reason I am not panicing (yet). I am really trying to enjoy the rest of my internship and see where life/ spirit takes me. Grad school apps done. Finaid in. And I just ate an awesome breakfast at the Grove cafe on Fillmore. Eggs florentine "Dave's way"- ever go- you should try. So all in all things are right with the world.

It is a bit strange to not be doing work at the grove, but honestly gettting distracted by facebook and jersey shore quotes online, as I look around and see bizniz meetings, and conference calls of fancy working suited men and women. And here I am reading Jersey shore quotes. :/ There was a moment when I was like "what am I doing"... and then I read....

"Everybody at the Shore definitely knows The Situation. As far as I know, everybody loves The Situation, and if you don't love The Situation, I'm gonna make you love The Situation."

And I knew I needed to read on with my distration. Because so many times I close my self off from having fun- to say "get your shit done."

Well- I am today going to allow myself the 5 minutes to goof off....

Okay finished reading the jersey shore quotes.

Now I am ready.

And in the great words of Pauly from there....

"We’re beatin’-up-the-beat, that’s what we say when we’re doing our fist pump. First, we start off by banging the ground, we’re banging it as the beat builds ‘cause that beat’s hittin’ us so we’re fightin’ back, it’s like we beat up that beat."

Maybe this is how we gotta roll with life. Just beat up the beats......

O my gosh- I just compared these boys with life wisedom. I think my chai is kicking in- and time to get to my day. Get ready life here I come (on caffiene no less).

random notes

2010-01-29T18:23:00.000-08:00

Good conversations today.
busy bee.

Submitted to NYU today- ah we shall see.
Such an unknown.

Reading:
The Beggar King and the Secret of happiness, by Joel Ben Izzy.

Current song that I am lovin:
-Wait till you see my smile
-Coldplay- Fix you
-Dixie Chicks- top of the world

Movie wanting to see:
tyler perry's: I can do bad all by myself
Dear John
Invictus

Excited for friends, family, and finding some time to paint.
Oh and a bath.

Would love to see in concert:
Beyonce
Mary J Blige
Lady Antibellum
Kings of Leon
Joshua Radin

If I could be better at one thing-
Math.

Something I think is funny:
The mom on the bus that kept saying "ohhh baby are you poopy, ahhh baby are you poopy, you poopy?" And the kid says "poppy".

Something I love:
When people are singing outloud to themselves and doing a little dance on the street as they are walking

something I think is awkward:
When you hear something drop a pickup line and the other recipient either doesn't get it, or doesn't know how to respond.
Example- Copy shop- "Do you have one of those rolls [of tape]? I'll put my roll in your thing." I don't think the woman got it.

So inappropriate, and awkward.

Something I admire- that this season's bachelor isn't playing by the rules. (I know I know)
I also admire- my conversation of story sharing yesterday at the library about empowerment, self esteem, etc...

I admire those who have hardships work through it and show up still.

I love multi colored flowers and farmers markets.
I love that my friend Cynthia told me-it's healthy to write a list of things you hate... here is a few of mine...

I hate:
1) folding paperbags
2)animal movies
3) The smell of old metal on your hands.

Okay more to come xo

2010-01-28T19:44:00.001-08:00

I love it when- ou see someone in the right time, that it is just awesome with their timing and conversation. I love those happenings.

2010-01-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

Today a man across from me was weeping in the library. I visually wish there were lasooses attached to each one of us that sensed pain, and collected each other to share stories. To tell.

Nine years.

2010-01-28T15:04:00.001-08:00

Nine years. And I look out into the open and I see so much more to go. I am a bit scared today. I look back and see nine years of baldness and I look ahead and all I can see is more. Sometimes... a lot of the time- I really wish this disease would just go away. I feel that okay I have learned my lesson, self acceptance, confidence, self love, blablabala- got it. Now let me just have my hair back. I am tired of feeling like I need to over compensate for the things I lack. I am tired of being on all the time. I am tired of answering back. I am tired of being bald. I don't want this anymore- I don't want this anymore- I have learned enough.

That is what my mind is saying. Nine year aniversary with being bald and I feel exhausted.

2010-01-27T23:06:00.000-08:00

Sustainability

vs. a leading known death of an idea.

If something doesn't work, try approaching it a little differently for renewal.

2010-01-27T21:29:00.001-08:00

Today was a bit of a tough day for me. Yesterday was my nine year anniversary of when I first lost my hair. And I took a "self care" day yesterday to go on a drive, and spoil myself on a massage ;) During that time I was trying to allow myself to "get it out" emotionally of all that I was thinking. Well, trying to force myself to cry about it, really didn't work. I thought tomyself, maybe I have done enough crying about it. Maybe I am finally over it. Sure enough- I get to Glide. And start journaling as I am waiting for a meeting to start, and there it goes the waterworks. And all I could think of was "why today- I was suppose to do this yesterday- I gotta get to work. Why now? I scheduled this for yesterday. Bad timing." What ever happened to God's time, spirit time, emotion time. Letting it work out naturally. heather have you really settled upon set calendars even to feel. How about drop your blinds protecting you from honesty. Do not be affraid to say I am bald and this sucks.

2010-01-19T11:08:00.001-08:00

The power to say goodbye.

Notes and more to follow!

It's been one of those days... that you want to say... "life suck it."

2010-01-14T20:37:00.000-08:00

Today. Ugh today- was a really hard day. I think I had one of the most terrifying experiences. I was watching a few children today and a miscommunication happened leading to a child being lost for a minute. And yes, just a minute, and yes everything is fine now but I had some of the worst fear in my life today. I realized how important communication is.

Lately my ego has been so slashed to the ground- my frustration level has been running high. So with a few things bearing down- it feels like a thousand- I keep wearing at myself- saying "stupid stupid stupid". And I am reminded of how many times I said this. I had to stop myself. I had to remember the good parts. I have to remember the hug I got from one of the kids I was watching. I have to remember that I am okay. I have to remember to not fear all of the good things that can happen. And not be affraid to just live in it.

My ego has been beat up lately- but maybe it's a good thing. Maybe humbling, maybe lets me go through a fire to see what is true on the other side of potentiality- authenticity. I am not going to over play my thinking. Today al I wanted to do was say: "Life suck it."

Off to painting. I have weird energy and it's time to focus on something different.... or better yet... I am needing to be in it. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

2009-12-28T21:48:00.000-08:00

"Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall."

from my google app

good point good point.

Things I love but I take fore granted

2009-12-20T14:25:00.001-08:00

1) Cinnamon
2) Coupons
3) Coin wrappers
4) singing
5) budgeting
6) doing something new everyday
7) Saying "YOU CAN DO IT!" in multiple accents
8) Vince Vaughn- enough said. ;)
9) my ability to make cool things out of crafts for people
10) Knowing when enough is enough.
11) When friends fold paper bags for me.

As I was talking to myself about my burdens.

2009-12-17T22:02:00.000-08:00

Carry You
Amy Grant

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child

If I can walk on water
And calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done

And I'm weary watchin'
While you struggle on your own
Call my name, I'll come

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child

I give vision to the blind
And I can raise the dead
I've seen the darker side of Hell
And I returned
And I see those sleepless nights
And I count every tear you cry
I know some lessons hurt to learn

Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry you, my child, my child
Lay down your burden, I will carry you
I will carry carry, my child, my child

I will carry you, my child, my child
I will carry you

2009-12-14T19:19:00.001-08:00

Time. Feeling Time.

"You Are"

2009-12-10T15:14:00.000-08:00

On the dark windy road, I left the Mendocino county line. Eyes drained of energy and singing to my tunes of hope. I sang to Wicked's "defying gravity" Have I seen Wicked? No. But the song- heard- love it. And in my state of emotional exhaustion yet relief to be leaving the darkness behind- I sang at the top of my lungs- hoping that some relief- some spiritual core in me would stir and my eyes would be clear. My eyes- didn't clear- after about the third round of Defying gravity and the lyrics "and you won't bring me down"- I realized: What I am wanting is the humaness of another to say: Heather "you are".

In biblical text: "I am" is prevolent. I won't kid you I have no I idea where in bible this is, but through out my life I had heard "i am" in the connection of recognizing God. The spirit. And I realized in my eye redened state and over dose of emotions. That "I am" is about recognition. And in everyone's life- they each deserve the right to say "I am". And for community to work- family to work- there needs to be a balance of "I am" with "you are". I hope to recognized this balance in each of my relationships whether family, friend, work, romantic, etc.

Defying gravity of recognition- defying recognition of difference and the ability and confidence to say: "You are".

When getting home from my stuff I had to do... I settled in with a cup of tea to find a quote on the end with "you are" in it. Funny how life works that way. Thanks Twinlings, or whatever tea company for being intune- and hitting it right on the nail.

You are.
Recognition.

Like Tumbleweeds they keep going

2009-12-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

In recent news, Glide Church was featured in an article and there was much debate of intentionality of the Glide way. And being present there just over the past few months I see how far Glide has help me push through barriers that I held for myself to hide behind. Glide pushed me to build the confidence that I was just too scared to show and that I already possessed. It is a space for questions, when we need it the most: in times when we think that we are alright- there is a strive to keep diving inward. Glide brings out the "you are" that one always had but was not in an accepting or comfortable environment to all for expression. For examply, everytime I stunt myself at Glide- because I am too scared to get to "work" (emotional or physical) it gets pushed back on me with the "try again" button. And it is my confidence that is built and hope that I can strive for something better- this is what Glide gives me and many I feel. I was disappointed that the article refered to Cecil Williams as a "poverty pimp". I feel that this is a misjudge of character- and I am sure that the congregation was more upset by this misinterpretation of CW than himself.

But I think there is an important silver lining in this story. There is still work to be done. And that article and the comments that followed are the work that needs to be done towards social justice. A few posts ago- I wrote about an experience on a sunday when a man suggested he was horny over my bald head. I wrote about the violation that took place, and I realized that that was an example of the work yet to be done. And without that blatent example of sexual violation and inappropriate behavior where would we b- complaining about invisible issues- and that would be no good. So if their is going to be violations and injustices against women, lessening poverty, whatever the example is... Let's get it on the table- out in the day light. Bring everyone to the welcome table as Glide speaks of. What I admire the most about Glide is their Speakout programs on Wednesday nights... It is a chance to tell the truth. And in all honesty- a lot of the time the truth- is people saying Cecil and Janice- I don't like this- and here is my honesty. And they are heard. So if all of the comments from sfgate.com would like to come to Glide on a wednesday night- they would be appreciated and loved. Because the truth will set you free.

Yes, I am a Glidian Advocate. And I support the work of no hiding, I support the process of recovery in people and especially in my self. We all have a story to tell and it can be honored and heard all at one community table. And we can change.

2009-12-08T13:34:00.000-08:00

Things to write about:
"You are"
and
Not being affraid of what has become.

Older email to friends- but present of the work needing to be done, and the memory of a boy.

2009-12-06T20:27:00.000-08:00

Dear wonderful friends and family,

It's unusual for me to pass along a mass email, unless it is a
frantically hyper update from my life, but this I found too close to
home to not discuss. Below is an email I received from the Alopecia
Areata support group network about a recent shooting of a teenager
with Alopecia Areata. Speculation has it that there was teasing about
his hairloss and he was standing up for himself before he was killed.

How do I even begin to describe what I feel about this young man's lost life?

A) I first resort to fear and deep sadness that this was a boy
verbally and finally attacked for a disease that is uncontrollable.
The disease I have. Does this mean I need to hide from the world, no.
But a chill went down my back when I, for the first time, in almost 8
years with Alopecia Areata, have heard the words "Alopecia Areata" and
"death" in the same sentence.

I spoke in my social psychology class of Death and Dying about the
connection of Alopecia Areata and loss, in the terms of the process of
grief, which I feel that I have experienced strongly, but now to
encounter a mirror in which my own mortality may be threatened because
of my difference, ohhh HELLLLLL NOOOO.... as in the great words by my
campers and catch phrases often used by my HFH family in NY this is
certainly a "beastin" situation and 100% "mad whack".

B) I felt dissappointed, because there is a larger point needing to be
addressed. This has been happening throughout time with ethnic
communities, religions, sexual identities, dissabilities, and classes.
The list continues, we as people are faced with struggle and the
noting of difference in some way. There has been violence against our
differences for too long. For example in recent events to list only a
few: the struggle to ban same sex marriages, racial stereotyping in
media, and hate groups that exist today. I am scared that I have been
blinded until it hit home for me. Are we only awakened to hate crimes
and violence, when it jeopordizes ourselves? I don't want to be like
that, I want to be an advocate for change, and most importantly hope
that there is something better out there for me than a stake in the
physicality of hair to prove my worth as a woman.

Lets broaden the spectrum and change the "me" mantra into a "we"
progression towards compassion and equality for our nation, and for
the planet filled with roaming differences.

C) I am frustrated and feel deflated by this, I am keeping face about
it because somewhere in the core of my belly I know I need to keep
walking: to keep wishing for a better day in which, not just the
Alopecia Areata community can identify there difference and go on
confidently living because of their uniqueness, but other groups as
well struggling with issues of personal/ public idenitity.

Old News- But is present in contemporary climate- Needing Change

2009-12-06T20:24:00.000-08:00

Tragic news came out of Knoxville, Tennessee, on Thursday, August 20,
2008, when 15-year-old Ryan McDonald was fatally shot by a fellow
student. Ryan had alopecia areata since age 3 and the motive for the
incident appeared to be strongly related to bullying and teasing over
the fact that Ryan was hairless and stood out as different.

The high school had been trying to crack down on fights and unruly
behavior amidst an atmosphere that was "a culture that lacked
discipline." Ryan was raised under tough circumstances and he was
described by those close to him as a "kindhearted kid", "always
happy", but with a tough exterior that compelled him to stand his
ground and handle himself verbally when teased or bullied - it was
pointed out that Ryan had been endlessly teased. He was
confrontational and had a chip on his shoulder – probably, not unlike
many of his fellow students and friends. However, violence of this
sort is never expected and this incident has sent shock waves through
his local community as well as the community of those of us who deal
with alopecia areata.

A remark by a classmate summed up much of the emotion, "I didn't know
him but I feel like I lost my best friend." Her world was violated.
Her sense of what is fair and just was turned around by a single
event. Her own security was threatened and the loss could have just
as easily involved her or a close friend. It points out how fragile
life is and how fragile our way-of-life can be - and, how deep this
hits home for many of us. For me, it brings back isolated feelings of
my adolescence and being singled out as different. It was a time of
not having an understanding of myself with alopecia areata and not
having the tools to deal with it. It also brings to mind all the many
children I have known with alopecia areata and how important it is to
me that they have every opportunity to achieve full potential.

What could have been done differently? There are no set formulas. We
deal with life circumstances in a variety of ways and all of them are
valid and all of them should lead to responsible emotions and actions.
All of us have tested the boundaries of teasing and bullying. Most
of us learned quickly that some light-hearted teasing is normal and
part of life. More importantly, we learned that being a bully crosses
the line and is not acceptable behavior. Awareness of the problem is
essential along with timely and thoughtful intervention.

How do we monitor? Be open with your child and give them the space to
respond and talk things over with you. Be observant of their
behavior, especially while interacting with friends. Be aware of
signs that might indicate bullying or other problems. A child may
become withdrawn or depressed. Social activities may be avoided if a
child feels threatened. School work and the ability to concentrate
often take a turn for the worse as a child becomes preoccupied with
insecurities. We need to not only be aware of the victims of bullying
but to be extra aware of someone who might be a bully. Besides those
things listed above, a bully is often defiant, has a difficult time
forming positive relationships, and manifests abusive tendencies.

What can we do? Again, there is no formula. First, be certain to set
a good example as a role model. Next, it takes both a watchful eye
and the capability to stand back and allow our kids to mature through
their own life experiences and develop self-esteem and maturity.

Where do we draw the line? As mentioned, everyone teases now and then
and good-natured teasing usually involves humor and a comfort level
with the person being teased. It ceases to be funny if the teasing is
persistent or is presented with a threatening or demeaning attitude.
A bully's weapons are verbal, psychological, and physical. Be aware
that boys usually bully in a different way than girls. Boys tend to
be confrontational in verbal and physical ways directly with the
victim. Girls tend to talk indirectly "bad mouth" and exclude the
victim from the group. Bullying tends to exhibit power and control.
Note that the perpetrator may also be under the stress of being
bullied by other kids or adults.

How do we protect our kids? We need to handle situations with
age-appropriate communication in order to guide both bully and victim
to a better understanding of themselves and others. Children need to
be aware that they have capabilities to deal with teasing and bullying
but that it is okay to seek the help of friends, parents, and other
trusted authority figures. We also must realize that children may not
know how to ask for help. Even when a child is going through a
critical situation and an adult tries to intervene, the child may find
it very uncomfortable to be open and choose to deny an experience or
concern. Overall, a child is better off to widen their circle of
support through caring friends and adults. The overwhelming goals for
both bully and victim is to come to a better understanding of
relationships, to learn skills of conflict resolution, and to improve
on techniques to problem-solve their own issues and relationships.

Many schools have resources within the district to effectively
confront and resolve these issues by encouraging a climate of respect
for self, for others, and for diversity. If you recognize a problem
and you are not receiving satisfactory results, be sure to broaden
your scope for seeking help from parents, teachers, and other
resources. The National Alopecia Areata Foundation is an excellent
resource for information specific to helping parents work with schools
in order to educate and provide students with straightforward
information about alopecia areata. Timely action often diffuses
problems before they get out of hand. Much more general information
is readily available and easy to find on the internet with regards to
teasing and bullying.

http://www.naaf.org/index.html National Alopecia Areata
Foundation – NAAF

2009-11-25T14:11:00.001-08:00

Life... seems to be about going back to the drawing board.

Overcoming our fears

2009-11-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

Last week, I was at open mic for my work and yet again I left feeling rejuvenated. When I went to the open mic I asked a woman if anyone was sittng next to her, she said go ahead, then I sat down and the woman sitting on the other side of the empty seat said "no no I don't want to sit next to you!"

Alright- yes she could have wanted an empty seat next to her, and the excuses can go on, for why she didn't want to sit next to me. But in all honesty- let's cut through the B.S.- She didn't want to sit next to me because I am a bald woman, an abnormal site.
Yes it is hard to say- she wasn't comfortable with me because of my hair loss. But let's be honesty- let's not put on a pretty face to a reality. That was how it was.

This has happened before, similar situations, before I was devastated- I wanted to be in bed for a week, I felt terrified of the public and what people thought of me. I felt like a monster that should be caged- a freak show that make people just too uncomfortable.

But this time it was different. For once- the depression didn't set in, the anxiety and fear of my monster identity, never came. And I was okay. I asked her if she would like me to move- she said no that's okay I will. She got up and moved. And a clear understanding of "she feels uncomfortable, she is the one who misunderstands, she can take care of her self" I realized it is her insecurity and uncomfortableness that she needs to deal with. I am here, I am not going to change, and I have to say "I am okay with who I am- in fact I have love for myself, my integrity, and my identity- socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

And all of the sudden, it was such a real moment- the honesty was at an all time high- and I was okay. I survived and I didn't need to hide from the world, and put away who I was in order to accompany people's misunderstandings. I didn't need to cry about it- and it felt so good. It was real.

Feeling it coming back.

2009-11-09T18:18:00.001-08:00

As singing at the top of my lungs on the twisting turning road into the darkness. I felt a need to say- stay. Because my spirit was filled and I wanted it to stay. I told it not to leave. Stay. Stay spirit stay.

Motherhood and Protection

2009-11-08T22:45:00.000-08:00

Motherhood

This past week and weekend I realized something- I want to be a mother. And when I say mother- sure biological clock ticking. Tick tick tick. Umm let's maybe give that sometime. But I am talking about Mother in a greater way. I was babysitting, and I realized it is so important I think for anyone to be able to be a mother to something, to nurture and to support a growth process.

I have been thinking this especially in my gardening I am starting to get into. I had some tomatoes growing and although they were smaller then an eyeball, I grew them, and it was so neat to have ownership in that one bite tomato salad I was able to produce from my labor.

I think it is good to grow something, even if it is a spiritual sense. I have been wanting to be a mother lately in this sense of to nurture and grow something, whether it is a program at my work, work on my spirit, or have tiny tomatoes, it feels satisfying to know that I did that. Just like a little kindergartener looking at her work in the hall way, feeling accomplished. I did that. I did that. I did that.

Protection

I have been feeling a little stunted, speaking of growing. Those who love me want to protect me, from words others say about my hairloss. But in the long run, I am one who has to cope with awkward, maybe offensive statements. I realize that I am at this point that others love me so much, they see me as that child you need to protect and not let fall. I realize that yes for some odd reason, these bald cards is the hand I have been dealt. So let me play my cards, let me have moves (words) against me come, because in some weird way, I want to build the protection, awareness, and my need for safety in times of danger to be activated. I need to know when too much is too much from words of offense. And I need to stand up for myself, and not let others do that for me. My friends and family love me, and never want to see me hurt, but I need to fall in order to learn how to get back up and keep moving. My bareness will be a protection, and knowledge is power. And I will seek safety from those who love me when it is the right time.

Grief and a Woman's Voice

2009-11-02T08:42:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a big day for me. I facilitated a group on grief and loss at work. And I admit I was nervous, that the words may not come to help lead, that no one or too many would show up and I would not know how to handle it. But in all honesty it was great. I feel it wasn't anything jumping for joy monumentum moment but it really allowed me to see what I can do to create great things for a community. As I was thumbing through a book on grief, the back had resources and showed that you could get a certificate in grief counseling. And I was like ahh ha what a great experience, but I want more tools. And I realized with everything in life, you have to start somewhere and you don't know what wildfires of social change one can create, by just saying I tried.

-----------

In the early morning I had an interesting experience. Yet another comment about Alopecia. As I was getting ready for service. I had a man sit next to me and he stated "what the hell happened to you?" obviously, commenting on my hairloss. But I've gotten worse, so did my speal. He said "wow I am inappropriate" and I said "yes, but have gotten worse." He said I was beautiful and then it got weird. He leaned over and said "it makes me kind of horny". My jaw dropped and at that moment I knew this man wasn't all there. I stopped in my tracks and turned back to my reading, feeling violated and curious of what to say. I should of said- that is inappropriate and said no. But instead I turned away. I wish I had, but also- I did what I needed to do to feel safe. It is a violation of women to say sexually explicit words to a stranger and I no longer want to just turn away. It is a violation to make a woman to be a sexual object, something to be looked at and ignored of her voice, identity, and power she owns. It was a violation and it was an add to rape culture that exists in this world.

But I am a person that likes to find the hope in a story and here is what I think. I thank that man that he was blunt and it was a visual, literal example of all the work that still needs to be done. Sometimes I think what is my work? why do I want to do social work? And is it just silly to be voicing and dedicating time to things that may not get that high salary, or stability of a 401k? But I realized that my heart is in people. And seeing that man made visual evidence that these problems still exist and I don't want to ever give up on myself, my dreams, my work because of safety nets.

There is famous quotes that say "I will not rest until...." I felt that today. That I believe in social Justice and I had a reminder and a security found is in the Spirit for me. It encourages me and it gives me confidence to protect me from words of violence, cycles of violence, and words I can not control.

I realized you really can not control the things others say, but you can use that as evidence and power to push an end to that violence caused. I wish i had told that man he was being inappropriate but what is done is done and I hope to use that as power to move on, push ahead, and help with causes of social justice.

we shall overcome.

GRE Words

2009-10-27T23:32:00.000-07:00

So on my google homepage I have GRE words, and one of them was "shambles". For it to mean disorder and mess, it sure is a pretty word... and well makes me think of how... in our messes and in our falls, can be grace, and sure can be a pretty thing.

2009-10-19T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how we all got something. I keep trying to rule out things, stating that we are looking for perfection. But maybe it is the messiness, in fact the healthy messiness, the honesty of human condition that I am looking for. And in all that messiness, I realize I am just looking in a mirror, learning most importantly how to love myself.

2009-10-19T20:13:00.001-07:00

"Love concentrates so intently on another that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says, 'I value you enough to give you my most precious asset - my time'". Unknown

This is interesting and could be a broader thing than romantic love. This could be so much more, this could be about commitment all together... will think about this.

Childhood Development

2009-10-15T00:39:00.001-07:00

Giving yourself the right to articulate your pain.

I don't know if I have allowed myself that. Or the time to speak and not be worried.

I found myself speaking today.

I have spoke before

But today in a very different sense of what it means

"to speak".

Walking Meditation that is still walking....

2009-10-07T22:31:00.000-07:00

Today at work we did an medication walk at work and I felt extremely uncovered and exposed to a deeper level. To have to slow things down in a busy urban setting did not sit right with me. All of the sudden I found myself trying to clear my mind, but everything was weighing in and I was there overly bare.

It made me realize the bareness I already have to cope with and slowing it down was like a microscope amplifying my differentness and baring. I was overwhlemed and felt vulnerable.

As leaving to catch the bus a man said hello to me and I saw him watch me cross the street, usual scoff it off my shoulders and walk on, in some way I felt violated. Maybe it was because we were discussing voyuerism today that made it really present in my mind.

I became a little overwhelmed and feeling an anger for the things I deserve that aren't present at the moment... and all of the sudden I was reminded by a friendly conversation, a bucket of paint, and brainstorming ideas when getting home some and I felt an okay-ness to life.

Tonight I had brought to prayer Jeremiah 29:11. I alone the plans I have for you. And this is indeed a reassurance I found this afternoon in baring a little emotion and myself, even if I didn't necessarily like it that much.

Re cutting

2009-10-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

I cut my thinning bits yesterday. It was only about a centimeter but it is amazing how much I found coverage and concealment in that tiny bit of hair. I have had to cut the thinning bits before, but I feel like keeping them is too painful to see the cranial globe shed it's trees, little by little, as if my head was going through global warming. So I trimmed my hair because for some reason I feel like the sameness of hair length makes me feel more professional, or at least grappling with my reality. So usually the trimming process is upsetting, and remembrance of the first time I had to shave my head at 15 1/2. But this time, I looked down into the sink were the bits fell and honestly, the amount was so insignificant, and as I looked up and into the mirror I realized that I am okay. I closed my eyes and remembered an exercise I did in my alternative mirrors class..."tell yourself your beautiful until you really feel it". I told myself I am beautiful repetitively and opened my eyes, and I felt a deep beauty, a beauty in the pain, in the struggle, in the little insignificant bits in the sink that make me laugh because of the irony, beauty in the ugly, beauty in the fearful, beauty in the honesty, beauty in the beauty, beauty in me. Beauty I need to stand in, own, and believe.

It is a bit weird to rub my hand over my head and feel more of a bristle, but the trimming is an action I did, something I controlled, something I released myself of pain. I felt a bit apprehensive to go out today... but it was only a few bits- why heather, why? But it was more about change for me, it was grievance for a change...

At my internship we were talking about grieving in letting go and entering into the new, even if the new can be better for us. And all of the sudden with a shedding of three little hairs, I felt it. Grieving the old, even if it was painful to move onward. I am excited to head into celebration tomorrow. I think some good good sweet things will come about. As my good friend Mary always says, keep your head high girl but look straight ahead. Believe in yourself and understand your uniqueness has power like every one else's uniqueness does... think of all the work we could get done. Beautiful.

2009-10-03T18:00:00.001-07:00

“My upbringing made me as I am now. But I can become merry and happy at once. There were many years I was feeling at a loss about my life or how I grew up. I couldn't understand what is right or what is precious. At that time, I was so miserable and self-defeating. I was feeling angry with various things. My anger came up to the surface then. I don't say such tendency has disappeared. Even now there are anger and the dark side in myself. But it's the first time I've been so close to the light.”
Johnny Depp

Loss and revitalization

2009-10-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”
Walter Anderson

Recent Be-comings

2009-09-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

I have recently started new work.

And I have learned about celebration. Celebrating life, but lately I have learned how celebration has become a form of masking for me. I, as anyone who knows me knows the happy go lucky kid in me. But I have recently realized how I mask my pain, my experience, my story-by the chance to throw a smile on others faces and to say there there-it's alright.

Cheer is a good thing, it is an asset that needs to be cherished and elaborated in this world. But also, I want to know how to bring cheer in the utmost authentic form. What does it mean to be a cheerleader for life? What does it mean to have Alopecia and celebrate. I keep celebrating for libration of hair, of beauty, and justice in this world. But it is important to articulate my story, my pain. I think it's important to share the hardship of what I felt, and what I am feeling.

Think of it like going to a party through a random friend, you're there and see banners with "happy birthday", but you don't know who the party is for- and you really wish you knew or was clued in.

I think in all of my celebration- I want to work on articulating my story, my journey (the trials and tribulations), because then people understand, people get a commonality between us all, of human emotion. And then we can put a name to a face at that party.

I simply then am not floating above others but dancing with the people.

Work- back to work. It is amazing to see the wake up calls I get in a day of how I live my life and where I want to go.

My work has the theme that we are all in Recovery. And I didn't quite grasp until I sat in on a circle of people I felt were so far away from me, and what my life experience was. There I was looking at myself in the mirror. And it was terrifyingly beautiful to open it up- to lay it out, and put the truth into action, and to celebrate about honesty.

To say I suffer sometimes, but it is through that suffering, speaking, and creating that I find justice in my mind and heart.

And I look around and I want to dance with life. But I have to remember that the a punchline is no good without the joke, and visa versa. Wholeness, recovery, and story is where I am at.

Change and a call for vocation.

2009-09-18T23:31:00.000-07:00

"Everyone has a vocation- a calling"

this has been on my mind this week. Since starting a new job I realized that I should never settle for something that does not have a drive of passion in me. I realize that I am meant to do a certain type of work, and live uniquely for me. For a while I was questioning this whole road and choices I have been taking with school, jobs, relationships, and I realize the such great purpose that is in me- that I need to listen to and follow. For example with Alopecia- it has been a hardship and it continues to challenge me, but in the long run it has given me direction, a questioning for something greater, it gave me my life back and an identity of social justice to always keep striving for, even if the storms may come my way. It is time to walk the talk. And I am so there.

Beginning and workings on a research paper.

2009-09-05T17:56:00.000-07:00

I was curious about the cute boys behind me as I was learning about parallel parking in my driver’s education class. I shuffled my hands through my young locks, because that is apparently what a female must do to attract her mate. As trying to lure them in I noticed a bald spot on the back of my neck. I figured it a fluke and like a snakeskin, it was bound to return with even more lovely locks. Within a month all my hair was gone. Every morning strand after strand laid on my pillow, in the shower drain, and fell to a quite death on my bedroom floor, trickling through my hands like water going down to sea, but the only thing is that you don’t know how it is going to get there. Maybe that’s what it is about- my life is just about the adventure of finding it’s way out to sea.

2009-09-04T17:59:00.001-07:00

Why sit in it.

Just watchin' it go by.

2009-08-27T00:31:00.000-07:00

I watch the train go by, and say- I wonder where that train is going? And I wonder if I will ever be on it.

There's a metaphor for you.

New Beginnings

2009-08-18T18:27:00.000-07:00

Name games and introductions, ah sometimes I really hate them. I suppose I have the ultimate- what is one thing you don't know about me. Sometimes, I don't want to say. But others I want to shout it to the world, that I have Alopecia Areata. So identity how much of it changes over a lifespan. For example, student. I went back to being a student again today and how much awkwardness yet excitement rests in that ten minutes before class, when everyone silently sits there, grabbing at their cell (pretending to turn it off), but in actuality you are just deleting the messages from your inbox to avoid at all costs the need to strike up a conversation with someone else. I did a name game today in class and I grinded my teeth and had an internal groan- but my professor said something a little insightful- "I have gone through an entire class and not meeting anyone- it's sad don't you think?" And I realized something- I never want to be all up in someone's business, espcially a stranger- but at that moment I thought: "How true!" Why aren't we talking. I think if there were more communication in this world- there would be a lot more mobility to see change. It is so easy for me to want my cave time (or what ever sex stereotype it is for a woman needing solitude) and hide from the world, and say I will do that later. But really the time is now. And I really like putting my thoughts down, because somehow I feel this is action, and I feel like it is giving me a little more courage to talk with others in those awkward 10 minutes before class.

Today was about new environments and going back to being a student. I felt in the open and a little nervous, a wee bit tired, but so excited to learn.

A Little List of Support woop woop!

2009-08-17T19:03:00.001-07:00

http://www.alopeciaawareness.com/

http://www.alopeciaworld.com/

http://naaf.org/

To take a stand

2009-08-13T23:21:00.001-07:00

I feel that with Alopecia- there has been a silence placed over my body- a bondage as woman, as the overemotional. I think these stereotypes and judgements of women have started long ago. Before the dawn of feminism, before a thought of Heather Curtis was ever mentioned. These negative thoughts about my body are a history of a long story told. So if it has been told- why speak? And I feel that for a stance in women everywhere I have an obligation and right to tell. To speak of a story untold, only unique to I. A tale of that last stand and last strand, only to make something new- a reinvention of that once longing to tell my story, but not feeling the courage and illegitimate with thoughts of woman, bald, heterosexual, and all of those categorizing metaphors we use to define our bodies and try to pinpoint our minds. It is my courage to write- but now only to believe that I can. I can have the courage to speak and feel adequate of where I stand as a bald woman in her twenties not by choice. This is a story of an 8 year battle of adapting with a body and preparing my mind for the journey that lay ahead. I am preparing myself for battle with an ounce and a half that I can keep going, keep going to make other's believe that they can march ahead and lead me, greet me, and teach me a little more love.

My Bare Thoughts About Alopecia

Disentangle

In a Christmas Tradition I want a little more umph of love, living, and community

Listen Widely, Speak Humbly, Breathe Deeply

Give it up

Art, Soul, and Transformation

Killer Bees

Shine on into me.

New life and changes

Realizing You Got the Power.

Sarah Kay: If I should have a daughter ... | Video on TED.com

Easter Reflections: Rebirth you bet I believe in rebirth.

A new theme for me to remember: Gaining

I love it when I state what I need

Give Love: A Community Art Project

Self Disclosure

Wait for something better, wait for it Heather

Letting go of the halfsies

Letting things go.

What a week

Hydrating in the community

New job bringing up new/ old insecurities

Intuition/ gut sometimes needs to be your voice of reason.

Richard Carolan quote from class

Summer thoughts

Playground rules 101

Horoscope

Frustration tonight-Shit or get off the pot. I'm a changin- times a changin- to get with it or get out.

The post right before...

Mother's Day Proclamation by Julia Ward Howe - Mother's Day History

Heather Curtis' Sermon at Glide Memorial Church 4/25/10

Maya Angelou- And Still I rise

If it's goina go- GO!

thoughts and memories

Get ready

random notes

Nine years.

It's been one of those days... that you want to say... "life suck it."

Things I love but I take fore granted

As I was talking to myself about my burdens.

"You Are"

Like Tumbleweeds they keep going

Older email to friends- but present of the work needing to be done, and the memory of a boy.

Old News- But is present in contemporary climate- Needing Change

Overcoming our fears

Feeling it coming back.

Motherhood and Protection

Grief and a Woman's Voice

GRE Words

Childhood Development

Walking Meditation that is still walking....

Re cutting

Loss and revitalization

Recent Be-comings

Change and a call for vocation.

Beginning and workings on a research paper.

Just watchin' it go by.

New Beginnings

A Little List of Support woop woop!

Categories

To take a stand